Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[BRNR]

Good morning.

GM- My H blames me for everything. In the beginning before getting "serious" with OW he said he was confused a lot, couldn't figure things out, couldn't see his future. He also said things like, he is doing what he wants to do for him and OW wasn't his future. Quite contradictory isn't it.

I waiver back and forth on who I think he is and what he says and what I believe. I just don't know anymore. Too much thinking on my part.

I had plans this weekend, but cancelled all of them or ignored my friends. I needed alone time to regroup. Not sure I feel any better today. I woke up alone, and for the first time in awhile...really missed seeing H next to me in bed.

[golf mom]

B, my xh blames me for everything, too. When I was in a shattered state he had me convinced that it was true. I now believe he was one of the luckiest men in the world. He had it all and walked away for a fantasy.

It's interesting that wrongdoers feel the need to blame, convince others that they are right and justified. They gather allies. That what all of these MLCers do. They keep creating excuses and stories.

B, don't buy into any of it. It's all self-serving. My xh also left feeling confused, searching for "peace and happiness." That quickly changed.

I understand feeling reclusive. I have spent time with very few friends since BD. My friends all live the life I had. They are SAHMs who put their families first. My only free time is evenings and weekends. That's family time for them. I have zero interest going out and meeting singles. I am still very much a family person and want to be home with my kids. I enjoy doing things with them and they like the activities and day trips that I plan. Once my financial picture improves we will start traveling again.

I understand being confused by your h. He's too hard to figure out so let him be and focus on you and the boys. Think about it, B. you can now become the fantasy. OW stupidly moved in with your h so now she has to do all of the hard work - cooking, cleaning, child-rearing. She also has to keep herself up and please your h. If she doesn't she'll fear losing him. You, on the other hand, have once less person to care for which means more time for yourself. When you do see your h look your best. Breath new life into your home, creating a soul nourishing space for you and the boys. Create a refuge. Your H will be living in chaos in due time. OW doesn't have a clue.

B, you have started your growth, you are armed with information and insight and you have supportive friends here. You have the upperhand. Try to see yourself differently. No longer settle for being the LBS. You are so much more than that. You are not your H's choices. Elevate yourself. You, my friend, are the prize.

[AJM]

GM speaks wisdom, BRNR. Might want to re-read that

Too much thinking on my part.

Afraid so. But you should know by now that the thinking and feeling down kind of goes together and doesn't last very long. It's pretty easy to see how messed up he is, no?

I'm sure like a lot of us, you got that confusion about what they want to do only to find out later they were already seeing OP, or sleeping around, or whatever. What that is, is the indication they wanted out but didn't quite know why and didn't like what they saw in themselves. Enter the stage of blaming you for their unhappiness and feeling they "deserved" to be happy. That's called depression and whether situational or otherwise, it has nasty tentacles into everyone's lives affected. It's not something you can do much about except recognize it. It's his story in his head, and you weren't asked to contribute to it, right? Not your trip.

Along the way, if you listen openly, you'll hear the fears, the paranoia, the disappointment, and the anger. Don't judge. It could have just as easily been you, right? Not saying you're that type, but we're all human beings and subject to the same problems. We're imperfect. Your spouse will use that imperfection to "build" their story and "justify" in their own head what their choices are. And they won't understand when you no longer accept that. They'll accuse of whatever will get a rise out of you. And like all good lies, there will be a grain of truth in their disproportionate lie. That's human nature in my view.

The kids. Yep, they see things as they are and they figure it out pretty quickly. Mine the other day was mentioning how his mom texts him incessantly when he's with me. His response? "I love ya mom, but sometimes I need a break from loving you. I may have to go to the bathroom or something." I about died laughing and applauded his nice way of handling her without being mean or spiteful. He loves his parents, but also needs to grow up and figure things out for himself, such as how to handle his mom. (I discourage him from talking bad about her and don't do that either; I think he deserves to have both parents in his life even if I disagree with one of them; he'll figure out what he is going to be regardless).

Your H's unhappiness or happiness is his responsibility. You can't help him there. Him throwing away a good marriage is also his to live with. He may or may not have to deal with that in his lifetime. Personally I hope my ex is happy and finds peace. I can't imagine how tiring it is to keep up with that amount of lies and paranoia. Can you imagine how paranoid she must be with the OM? She married him, but stated to me that she believes marriage is just a piece of paper (who hasn't heard that, right?) Kind of makes you uneasy if you think about it. I'm sure it's no picnic for the MLCr just as it is not for those left behind.

Your friends, family, and kids will see through long before he does. And likely before you do, but not by much

Something to consider.

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Thank you AJ and GM.

I have re-read both your post over and over again the past couple of days. What you both have said needs to really sink in. Really.

I no longer see my true H peeking anymore. I think he is forever gone, and I have to accept that. I have to accept that my marriage has long been over, and I have to accept that I will never get it back.

AJ- you are right. I cannot be responsible for H's happiness or unhappiness. While he seems content with the status quo, I do not feel he is truly happy. At this time, I can't truly say that I wish him happiness. This is not to be mean, but because I feel it would be at the total destruction of others that he obtained it. That is sad, and makes me angry somewhat. Not angry at him per se, but angry that a human being could do that to another. This shows he is NOT the man I married.

I still don't know what I want for my future. Right now, I can only see as far as a week in advance.

GM-My H really did throw a good life away, a good family, and a good marriage. I too like you knew that once the children were grown it would be H and I, ride or die. It seems he didn't want to wait for that time to come. I am a good woman, and deserve someone to accept that I am who I am.

My AD/anxiety meds that the doc put me on are working pretty good. I have been on them for a week now and seem to be adjusting okay. I go back to the doc in a couple of weeks and will ask if he can up the dosage just slightly, because the mere sight of my H sends me into severe anxiety.

I am trying to disappear in H's life. I haven't responded to any texts from him (even if they are about the children or money), and I no longer interact with him during kid exchange. He wanted me gone, and I need to be just that...gone. Besides, I think it is best for me too. I feel it will keep me from being roped into his drama. I know this goes against all DB principles, because I am supposed to try and make small interactions with H and make them light and pleasant. I did that, and it got me no where except more hurt, more angry, and seemed to cause more problems.

I have harbored on my feelings on hope for quite awhile. Things do seem hopeless at this point. I am not dwelling in it though, just facing reality. Besides, even if my H said he wanted to R, I can't even see how I would emotionally make that work. I don't trust him. He turned into such a liar that I am at the point I can't believe anything he says.

I went to the beach over the weekend and stared out into the ocean and listened to the crashing of the waves. It was a head clearer for sure. Sort of my refuge of serenity and peace. Iw ill try to go as often as I can, but it is not that easy...the beach is an hour away, and really only feasible during warmer climate.

I hope that at some point H and I can talk. About what? About many things...our demise of our R, the children, his life, my life. I know that is not likely, but that is what I hope for at this moment.

Sorry to ramble. I have a lot of things I feel, and no where to release them but here.

So trying to focus on me and the boys, but don't know how. I think I have been doing this mostly, but during my alone time, H creeps into my mind and consumes me for those moments.

Any advice on what to do next? What should I be trying to do for me? For my boys? For my marriage? I feel like I have done everything wrong up until this point, and want to get on track to doing what is right.

Maybe some whacks with 2x4's is what is needed, IDK. I just feel so...off.

[golf mom]

B, you haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to navigate a situation that you've never been in before and it keeps changing. I understand the need to cease communications. You need distance so you can accept what's happened, stabilize emotionally and start to heal. I don't know if that decision made my situation better or worse. I just knew I had to do it for my sanity.

I'm glad you have a place to go that soothes your soul. I, too, gravitate to the ocean. I've spent a lot of time there, lost in my thoughts, crying and trying to deal with the pain that has felt unsurvivable. I would go every day if I could.

At this point, focus on saving yourself. Your marriage may be salvageable in the future, but not right now. For what it's worth, I made a decision early on that if I could not be kind and loving then I would remain silent. That decision kept things from escalating. I didn't allow myself to get dragged into interactions that I knew I couldn't handle well. I had to stop DBing or actively pursuing my xh in any way. That decision was right for me. My xh has gone on to make one bad decision after another and he can no longer blame me. I'm staying quiet in the background while taking good care of myself and my boys and living honorably.

I understand the cycling feelings. I still have them. I accept that my xh is a very troubled person and not someone I want in my life, but I remember who he was and pray for the return of that person. I'm not actively doing anything, but I do hold onto images of the four of us together in the future. These visions were not something that I created. They came at odd times, not in a dream state. They are beautiful and give me peace.

B, I believe in keeping your heart open and not allowing your mind to sabotage goodwill. It takes practice, but it brings peace and keeps things simple. Take time throughout the day to quiet your mind and breath deeply. Take it a day at a time, caring for yourself and committing to do your very best.

[Portia]

Hey B,

I am trying to disappear in H's life. I haven't responded to any texts from him (even if they are about the children or money), and I no longer interact with him during kid exchange. He wanted me gone, and I need to be just that...gone. Besides, I think it is best for me too. I feel it will keep me from being roped into his drama. I know this goes against all DB principles, because I am supposed to try and make small interactions with H and make them light and pleasant. I did that, and it got me no where except more hurt, more angry, and seemed to cause more problems.

If distance is what YOU need, then it IS the right decision. I could not agree with GM more. If you need to think of it in a DBing kind of way, think that bad interactions are worse than no interactions.

I think at some points we all need some peace, a time away from the drama and a time to just BE. And regroup.

Divorce and splitting up may be common, but they are no less traumatic, especially when one partner is in MLC. If I ever thought about my relationship ending, I certainly did not picture it ending like it did.

I have had no contact with my xSO for a long time and I do not have any desire right now to contact him. I know many would say then there is no chance at a relationship if one person doesn't work at it. Well, that is a chance I am willing to take right now because it is a good and healthy choice for me.

You know what are good choices for you, B. Trust yourself.

[AJM]

I agree. I think you spelled it out above, right? It's not that you don't want to contact your H or talk to him or that you wish him ill. It's that it doesn't work for you to talk to him. I get ya. It doesn't work for me to talk to me ex either. It hasn't for many years now.

I can tell you that she doesn't like that. Doesn't like not having her punching bag. Her "safety net" in the background. I can tell you that many other MLCr's don't like not being in control or having contact with "mommy" from time to time. They truly don't seem to understand why you wouldn't want to talk to them. I put that out there because you will be approached by him at some point. It'll likely happen. If and when it does, you can deal with it then. You know what works for you or rather, what is not working for you personally. You did not destroy your marriage. You did not ask for this. But you can realistically look at it, and figure out what works for you with regards to communication or information sharing.

I get the PTSD feelings when you so much as see them. Or feeling like the human race is a lost cause. Hmm.. I suspect I've heard that somewhere...Sunday school perhaps? It brings a lot of color to the idea of forgiveness and what its for and why it is so valuable an item.

Do what works for you to keep your peace. You will be able to deal with the rest much better after that. It'll help clear your head even more. Seriously.

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

So, got the mail today and a second assault charge was filed against me. H lied and said I punched him. Not I have to go to court...

[MrBond]

When was this supposed to have happened?

[BRNR]

July 8th...is all I know, but he claimed I did it in front of my children. I really don't want my kids involved, nor do they want to be, but now I could be facing jail time...this blows.