T, I think some people who try to follow your thread may find it confusing when you type out possible conversations with your W. I know I found one of your threads confusing b/c most of it was you writing out different styles.....and come to find out, nothing had been sent pages later. Just saying that it could affect a person's advice. Maybe you could decide what you want first...and then if you need help wording it, go from there?
I would like to say this in regards to Advina's advice toward the emai/divorce/children's schedules, etc. I don't want this to sound disrespectful or critical of Advina in any sense of speaking. I know you are getting opposing advice, and I'm trying to state why it may be. Advina is a mature and rational lady and her advice has always sounded very "reasonable" to me. She keeps it simple. I just wish your W was on a mature level of being as rational, and you could reason with her....and trust her to stick to the "agreement" made between the two of you.
Btw, regarding something I said in a post to Bond may or may not apply to another person's stitch. I remember saying that about women, and Advina is correct, both male & females have hormones. However, I've never heard about men committing some of the acts women have been accused....b/c the man's hormones ere out of balance. And again, Advina is talking about a "rational" woman taking "reasonable" steps to correct the hormonal problem. But do you believe your W could be described as rational & reasonable? , I do agree that her having unbalanced hormones does not change your situation. But, you just never know what to expect from her. And if you are trying to find an excuse for her, I don't think it is going to change your situation.
Your W is a WAW (in a fantasy), a cake-eater, a controller, unpredictable, an emotional "reactor", and swings to the opposite extreme in a second's notice. This is what I based my advice upon. And the fact you had the history of being a passive "yes dear" H. If you were to agree on all her terms (in hopes of having peace and doing what you think is best for the kids).......the first time you (your relatives, or anyone) ticks her off....she will pull another stunt to prove that she is still the one who pulls the strings in your life.
If that's what you want, then fine. But it will not settle things. It will continue over into whatever new life you try to have. If you were to get M again, she would still try to push your buttons. I have seen things like this with my own eyes, T. I know people like this. As long as she can get a reaction by doing the unpredictable, unreasonable, or extreme.......she will continue.
I don't know that AS noticed that she never used the word "divorce", when she emailed about the two of you working things out. She only implied. But you didn't think she was referring to D, right? The minute AS said she was, you immediately assumed you had been wrong. (Another example of confusion.)
Anyway, it started out with you talking about responding to her email threat of lawyer/D to whether or not to contact her about picking up the kids Friday. Frankly, how do you know what she might or might not do by Friday? You don't. But I believe you might go nuts just trying to make a decision! You can't make up your mind until you're faced with another situation.
If you have not heard anymore from her by the time you get home from work Thursday, I would email her regarding getting the kids Friday. Keep it strictly about picking up the kids. Tell her that you want to see how the two of you can agree on a co-parenting/visitation schedule before you can go into "further" agreements. If she pulls the "playing dumb" card and has the nerve to ask what you mean, then tell her if she wants a D, you won't stand in her way. If she is trying to avoid lawyer expense and work out the "details", you want time to think it over. You want time to see how the visitation schedule will be agreed upon. (Btw, you may suggest that both of you wright it out, just so there won't be forgetting or confusing some of the dates.)
That's just my opinion. You have to do what you feel is right and fair........while maintaining your self-respect. And the reason I suggested you tell her you won't stand in her way if she wants a D? B/c I think if you tell her in that fashion, you will see another extreme change of heart in her! It doesn't mean that you now want a D, but you won't fight her if she wants it. Do you see the difference?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
