New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[MrBond]

Okay, so what changes or actions has SHE been implementing on her own to improve the M?

[Hadlee58]

After our discussions last week where we both aired our annoyances that have caused our downfall my wife has promised (and i have seen proof of these since) to treat me like her equal and listen to my observations and ideas and not dismiss them off hand, for me this has been a major issue for me in that i felt like i was just another one of the 'kids' in our household as apposed to an equal to her. She has also understood how i have felt she wasnt proud of me as her husband and would treat me accordingly, she had got herself into the situation where everything i did ,probably including breathing would grate on her and this is something else she is working on. We are both agreed that we lacked communication these last few years and are both actively working on this - we put aside time each night to discuss each others day/problems and listen without judgement. This has by far been the best thing we have done lately and i can see real progress in this, we have also been enjoying each others company again and dare i say it we have laughed and joked something we both agree we havent done in a long time.
I think we are still a long way of the finished article but it will take patience, i am still not back in the marital bed something i now understand i dont need to push and must give time.

[Fartiltre]

Hadlee,

I wrote in your thread when you came here and it seemed like you listened and started working things.
When things got better I backed hoping that VETS would take over and they did, but now I need to state my opinion!

You have received good advice from Bond and AS and please do read it all again!
Do understand that these guys have seen it all more than once and that their advices are so well meant. DBing is counterintuitive and you are not home safe yet! If you doubt this then do read Crimsons thread!

Try to recall the feeling from March when she BD you! You posted this:

Any advice would be much appreciated:
Am I too far gone that its time to give up?
How can I make her see the good times?
How do I work around her friends all giving her advice to move on?
How do I handle these next 3-4 weeks in the same house? My heart is broken!
I have offered to sleep on the sofa which I am, is this coming across as I would do anything? Do I need to toughen up?
All she says is she wants to be happy, how can I get her to a place that I am part of that?
Thanks in advance for any help!!!

You have been on/off with W for a long time – over a year as I recall! You state that you have always solved your problems yourselves but that got you here – next time could be final!!!

Isn’t it time to do this right: Counseling, Retrouvaille or something could help! How could it hurt??

Do try to read through the arguments from Bond once again!

Get help!

F

[Hadlee58]

Hi F,
Thanks for replying, I hope you don't think I have dismissed anyone's advice, far from it, these guys have so much wisdom to pass on I would only be a fool not to take it on board. The problem I have and maybe I have given garbled messages is that my wife is dead against any counselling, if I could talk her into it believe me I would as you say what harm would it do, I feel I am stuck as If I push to hard on this it may prove the wrong move and I would fear I would push her into something she is not comfortable with, one of my problems to her has been that I have overpowered her in decision making.
I would like to apologise if you or anyone else thinks I am not grateful or open to advice or critisism, far from it... I am actively looking for it and maybe my words have come out wrongly, unintentional but I am big enough to apologise if I have offended anyone.
H

[MrBond]

"After our discussions last week where we both aired our annoyances that have caused our downfall my wife has promised (and i have seen proof of these since) to treat me like her equal and listen to my observations and ideas and not dismiss them off hand, for me this has been a major issue for me in that i felt like i was just ..."

All of this isn't going to get you to saving your M. What actions has SHE initiated on her own without any discussion with you? For example, if she told you that she wanted you back in the bed and would read relationship books (without any prompting by you), then that would be a good sign.

Right now it sounds like she is just placating you. What were HER needs that she felt you didn't fulfill?

[Hadlee58]

Thanks mr bond, I probably deep down agree with you, I haven't seen that she has read any books or looked for any advice although after my attempt last week to bring up how we move forward which I failed miserably at I have triedto back off to some degree, maybe I am burying my head in the sand, how should I approach this with her with out sounding controlling?
Her needs that she thought I didn't fulfil we're that I could be overpowering and controlling, I didn't appreciate her position within the family and that I had no life of my own and expected the same from her and was jealous when she started to do things on her own, gym, socialising with friends etc.
I have looked at myself with a critical eye and can see my part in her feelings and am actively working on improving all of them
It's funny right now (last week and this week) she has been under massive pressure at work whilst others are off sick (her workload has increased dramatically) I would have previously gone in to overdrive trying my hardest to make her life more bearable however for now I am making more of an effort in just listening and offering help when asked. I do think that right now the last thing she needs is intense relationship discussions (is it a case of there is always never going to be a good time to bite the bullet?)
I do feel slightly disheartened that I see no signs of her looking within herself and putting getting our R back on track, her answer is that it if we just keep doing what we are doing in time things will get better, maybe she is testing me that I have really changed?
Thanks again for your advice

[MrBond]

"maybe I am burying my head in the sand, how should I approach this with her with out sounding controlling?"

You said that you and her have always been open. Again, I sincerely doubt that she's been entirely open to you and still has her walls up. From what you describe, I can see how your idea of being "open" with each other was her interpretation of you being controlling. While you believed you were just stating opinion, she might have seen it as you trying to sway her position.

"Her needs that she thought I didn't fulfil we're that I could be overpowering and controlling, I didn't appreciate her position within the family and that I had no life of my own and expected the same from her and was jealous when she started to do things on her own, gym, socialising with friends etc."

Is all this true? If so, what EXACTLY have you been doing to change these behaviors. You should only change them if YOU feel they should be changed.

"I do feel slightly disheartened that I see no signs of her looking within herself and putting getting our R back on track, her answer is that it if we just keep doing what we are doing in time things will get better, maybe she is testing me that I have really changed?"

No. She's doing what all WAS's do. They expect that a "feeling" will just come back automatically if it's meant to be. It's a stupid belief. She has to ACTIVELY participate in order for the feelings to come back. For example, if you are depressed and choose to stay at home all day and become a recluse, you will remain depressed. However, if you make the decision to get out and get active and actively try to enjoy life, you will stop being depressed.

[Hadlee58]

Hi mr bond, I agree that she probably still has her barriers up and I am doing what I can to bring these down but I do feel she holds all the aces.
I do think I have listened to all her annoyances and can understand her reasoning behind them, this is why I am working on them. I don't think I would be true to myself if I was doing this just to appease her. I now listen to her and really listen stopping whatever I am doing without cutting in with advice on what I would do. I appreciate her roll as a part time mum and part time worker for too long I thought she did less hrs than me and therefore should do more at home, I am now working on this and not taking her for granted. I am also working on not crowding her and giving her some space and not overpowering her. I have also started to work on myself getting some of my own interests that don't involve her.
I so understand your point about the 'not doing things differently' and the comparison with the depression is clever and accurate but I do struggle with how I get that across without sounding like I am pushing for things too quickly.
Again thanks for your response

[MrBond]

You said that you were "both" working on getting the M back on track. What has SHE done proactively?

[Hadlee58]

Good question and one I have been giving some real thought too. I guess the major thing she has done is saying she wants to give things another go apart from that I think she has done little, she may say differently if you asked her but she hasn't initiated many R discussions hasn't arranged any date nights. When we agreed to try again we both struggled how to move forward and she said it would take time and maybe we should try dating again, I am the only one to initiate this and we have done once properly since I moved home. On the plus side we do talk an awful lot more then ever and spend some great time as a family with our kids. However I think we need to do more together alone as a couple.
My major concern as happened tonight is that the mere mention of our R my W seems to close down all the shutters and I get the impression she is very uncomfortable even discussing it right now and it's pressure to her, which is something I am keen to avoid, I would even go as far as to say we kiss each other on the cheek every day when leaving/returning/bed time and some times it feels really false, tonight I didn't bother as I feel quite low about how things are progressing, the upshot is I am in the bed tonight whilst she is on the couch
I really am struggling at the moment, I bring it up and it creates pressure, I don't and I am stuck stressing internally