That makes sense but then aren't I helping her achieve D? I thought we weren't supposed to do anyhing to aid D?
If she's hellbent on divorce then you're not going to stop it no matter what delay tactics you try to employ. My attitude about it is if D is inevitable- if it's really clear your spouse is proceeding with it with or without you, then if you can negotiate a peaceful settlement then it's the best thing for all involved (especially kids). I have VERY strong memories of my parents' divorce. I was dragged into court to testify against my mom; it was the most frightening, horrible moment of my life. I would do anything to keep my own kids from having to go through that.
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Again that makes sense although I find the majority of what she has asked for to be too much. I also know where I stand in regards to what I would have to give her if we did do D through solicitors and it's nowhere near what she is wanting. How could I possibly come out of this without being the evil H?
I'm certainly not suggesting just caving to her demands. If she's being unrealistic and the two of you can't negotiate a settlement, then you may very well have to involve solicitors.
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Aren't I then saying it is OK for her talk to talk me in this way?
I don't usually do this, but I'm going to answer your question with a question- are you detached?
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Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
