Thanks, guys. Thumpered, good questions. Definitely working on those things, and it's something I've wanted to do for many, many years, but just couldn't get myself started down that road.
I had another visit with my counselor today. She's definitely the "let's delve into your past" type. She's heard of MWD and Divorce Busting, and even said "Michelle is great" but she's clearly not understanding the principles of the LRT. She seems perplexed that I wouldn't confront my wife right now about snooping in my journal, or try to talk to her about our R and what she wants. She seemed to want to argue about some of the specific "don't do" items on the list, but she dropped it and got back to digging into my childhood. That's ok, though, because she's here to work on me right now. It's just were her ideas and my ideas on DBing conflict that there's any issue.
It still amazes me how cold hearted she can sound when she asks for me to have the bills for the new house sent to her and stuff, and tells me I need to get a car, and she's sorry, but "it doesn't change things."
I don't want to push it right now, but I could say that she needs to find a car. But, not at the moment. Still doing LRT and haven't given up on that yet.
Sorry about the rapid-fire journalism mode. Just have to get it out there....
We went from "need time apart" to "get together for movies and dinner" to just ice cold business-only contact. And the only thing different is OM/EA/whatever-that-situation-is. And thanks to the notebook snooping incident (scroll back for details...), she *knows* I know this.... Just such a hopeless feeling.
I was actually doing fine the first couple of days because I *agreed* we could use a couple weeks apart. It's been a very stressful time living where we've been living, then trying to get this place ready to sell, and the new place ready to move into.
And I can't get the idea out of my head - what if I had just done the painting like we'd planned? I hired this guy (OM) and that's just killing me. :-(
Hi DMR! I read your post on NLT's thread, and thought I'd come over to say hi. I glanced thru some of your old and newer threads, and am sorry you're going through such a hard time.
I agree with Mr. Bond that you can save your marriage. My H has said the same sort of things about his first EA, she was wonderful and they DID talk for hours every day, then she became a jerk. His current EA/PA started as a bitch and user, and is now his soul mate. Sigh. I'm DBing (not always well) with the help of the good folks on this forum and my DB coach.
But my H has definitely been going thru a MLC for almost 4 years. You just refer to your W as a WAS. Is she in MLC too? Has your coach instructed you to follow LRT? My coach told me not to.
Good luck to you.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks for the feedback LindaM. I know it's been a really short time. Heck, last time W and I went through this it was 6 months, and that's short for some people - I can be impatient, but I've been very good about how I deal with that as far as DBing goes.
Not sure if she counts as a MLC or not. Just saw an opportunity and ran with it, I think. Classic symptoms of checking out long ago but waiting for the opportunity.
Yeah, I've had 2 sessions and both were all about the LRT.
It's really hard though, because I know she's big on Hollywood style romance (dang chick-flics) so there's that part of me that wants to send flowers or say something dramatic.... but I'm sticking 100% to the LRT script because I think she'll just see it as a gimmick and another thing to compare to Mr Wonderful. Because, why wasn't I doing that kind of stuff before, right? (Right out of the DR book....) :-/
As for that LRT, we're physically separated and I'm actually pretty amazed she hasn't yet outright suggested getting D and getting on with life, etc. etc. Being in limbo [censored], but I keep repeating "time is my friend" in this situation. I'm not sure who she's trying to convince when she says stuff like "it doesn't change anything" but I feel it's both of us. Maybe I'm delusional, but I'm going to stick it out to find out.
She just replied to an older email about the house or something, but with an entirely different topic - more of my failures, past transgressions and her ideas of how things can't change. I think she's just ranting and it might be best to let it slide. My heart wants to respond but my head says to stay the course and let this one slide by.
Here is the gist of what she said:
"you can't undo feelings bad or good. [cut out specifics of some bad attempts of mine at drawing attention to some intimacy problems]. You know my failures."
"You can't make someone love you. And it wasn't that I don't want sex I just don't want it with someone who treats me like you and you should understand that isn't something that can be changed."
Ouch! Sorry if it's TMI, but I really need to be careful here in LRT territory. DB coach Joann reminded me that we can work on this stuff later (if there's a later) but right now I need to focus on not doing what doesn't work.
My mistake, it was the current email exchange about bills/dr appts, etc. Same issue though. She seems to be seething/churning through a lot of emotion right now.
I *want* to say that I agree that those things I did were stupid, ham-fisted, hurtful, etc. and that I understand why she feels this way, but that I do think things can change.
BUT... I fear the situation is just too delicate for that right now.
