Lost and lonely...

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi all. I am new to the site and need serious advice. I posted something last night but in a different place on the website so am hoping if I start a new post I might get some advice ASAP as I feel like I am drowning.

My story starts much like many I have read on here... I have been married for 18 years to a lovely gentle kind but introverted man. About three years ago he lost his job and ended up taking another job that requires him to travel all over the world and he is now gone up to four nights a week. He is exhausted all of the time. In January I noticed he did not say I love you as much as he used to and we were spending more and more time apart even when he was home. I began to complain about his job more and asked him to look for something else. He did begin to look but cant find anything according to him. i think he didn't find anything he likes. He works with all these hardThen in April out of the blue he said he could see us breaking up because we have nothing in common after the girls leave in 6 years. So I tried by making sure to have date nites etc. All is going well until his 38th birthday in May he comes out with he doesn't love me anymore. But is willing to try until my eldest graduates in 2 years. And he does try for about a week. After which time his behavior gets nastier and nastier. I am not attractive all of a sudden, it is all my fault that he doesn't have a good job because I have ruined the last 18 years of his life. Things got a tiny bit better but then I took the girls to visit my parents for a week during which he called frequently. When I got home he just looked at me and said he wished I would go away again as he liked to be alone. For the week following he kept saying that he was considering his future and I had 20 months? To get myself together or he was leaving. But he can't tell me one thing I need to do. He seems to get off on making a point of telling me in 20 months it is over. I then went ahead to a pre planned 3 week visit to Europe to visit his family. He followed this week. All last week he wrote me crappy emails about how he doesn't miss any of us and I would be happier if I didn't miss him or enjoy your singleness. Now he is here with us and is only speaking to the girls or his family and showing me flats where I could live on my own. In a really nasty way.

Oh just a few more things he wants sex absolutely all the time now it he says its for my benefit. He drinks every night he is home now. He says its his only hobby. And one day he will love his job and the next day he hates it and it is my fault he has it. Finally he doesn't want me to look at him at times. He will say stuff like don't look at me or touch me. The whole thing is just very bizarre. I have tried to keep it from the kids but they notice and it is starting to impact their behavior.

Please give me advice to get me at least through the next two weeks. I am most and lonely.

[KarenR]

I am so sorry for the difficult time you are having. tI would be extremely beneficial to speak to a DB coach at this time.Your coach will help you figure out the best way to interact with your husband, so that you get the best possible results. Your coach helps you come up with a step by step plan to help keep you strong and on track. His change in behavior suggests that you do need professional help to deal with this (and he may too.)
I would look forward to hearing from you.

[AnotherStander]

Sounds like he's in MLC. You might want to read some of the resources in the stickies on the MLC forum. You've got to save yourself by detaching from his roller coaster and focusing on you and your kids. Whatever legitimate complaints he's made about you, do 180's on those things. But just understand that it's not going to change his mind anytime soon. This is a marathon, not a sprint. He's going to be in the fog for a long time. Read DR and Sandi2's 37 Rules. Post in small increments until you're off moderation. Good luck!

[DFE]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this as I know how hard it can be. It's heart breaking to hear the one you love say these things to you. Just know it's not about you it's about him. He is lost and needs to find his way. All you can do is work on you and your happiness. I'm sure you have heard it before but you can only change YOU not somebody else. DB is all about making those changes to our lives and how we react to things for our benefit. Sometimes the result of those changes wakes up our spouses and they realize what they are throwing away. Just know if that doesn't happen you will still be fine. We aren't the only ones to have ever gone through something like this and we won't be the last.

I will follow your thread and wish you luck. The best thing you can do is get yourself together and look happy in front of him. We all cry but try your best to do it in the shower where the evidence will be washed off of your face

[Fighting4mylife]

Thank you so very much for your kind words. I am trying really hard. The whole day at his

[Cadet]

Glad you started your own thread.

He does sound like a teenager, what do you think?

MLC is a perfect storm, of hormones, depression, aging, a lack of development at an early age(childhood issues), all mixed up to make them turn into the OPPOSITE of who they are.
This can be temporary but last for many years, nothing you DO is going to FIX him.
So you must let him go, get on living your life.

There is a welcome post that I put up in the MLC forum with lots of homework assignements.
Please find it and read it.

Keep posting here and you will get off of moderation.

Knowledge is Power!

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi. First week on vacation was awful then something happened he started tAlking to me again. We talked about moving back to the UK and him getting a other job where he is around much. We were actuelly enjoying ourselves. We were maybe 20percent of what we had been. Baby steps. But we have to get some finances straight so we need two years. Then as we are getting on the plane to come home he says who knows we could be here in two years or be divorced. I stuck to the rules and didn't say anything. So he tried to ask me what was wrong like he was trying to get a rise out of me. I just said I didn't want our youngest to hear. And he said well she needed to get used to it. Then 10 minutes later he was back to making plans about the move. It was like a kick in the gut. I have no clue if he means anything he says at this point! Help get me through the rest if my journey. I will do homework when I get home tomorrow!

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi. I don't get this behavior. Now he is being nice but making jokes about cant wait until we have separate beds, how he picked the wrong spouse and that is why he has a shitty job, etc. But he laughs when he says it like I should think this stuff is funny. I don't know how to react. Also, he has pulled away physically again except he still wants to be intimate. But he likes to make sure I understand that it doesn't mean anything.

I read the information on mlc. But am having real difficulty figuring out what stage he might be in. Can anyone out there help me with this?

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi were back from UK and things are going well then I find out about a skype account. Get onto it and he has tons of people men and women he is skyping with to learn french. However, I don't let him know I got on it. I told him we should skype and he freaked out on me. Screamed I never gave him space etc. Left to travel for work for two days. By the way before he left he erased all of his skype contacts and acted like he didn't have any. Then he changed his password. Sound guilty to anyone else? He didn't phone me the whole time he was gone and is now moping around the house. Should I confront him over this? Do I need to know if there is someone else?

[Fighting4mylife]

Hi - Just wondering how everyone is doing out there? This week has been rough. I found out he had a secret skype account and was skyping people all over the place. He freaked out and changed the password when I found it. We didn't talk about it though. I signed up for individual coaching, I signed up for individual counselling and I went on anti-depressants. All in one week. I honestly get so many mixed messages from him my brain is spinning. He wants us to transfer somewhere together, he wants us to get divorced in 2 year or maybe now 6. I started writing in a journal and he accused me of writing down stuff for a divorce lawyer. What divorce lawyer? I thought I had 2 to 6 years. I don't know what is going on but am thankful for the anti-anxiety medicine that is getting me through the weekend. Anyone else out there get these insane mixed messages?