Emotional Connection and Attraction

[BC39]

Thanks guys, I can't begin to tell you how much I sincerely appreciate having you here.

It seems as though your wife, at least intellectually, understands that they chemical, emotional, high that she got from the OM is not mature love. What Accuray and Andrew Marshal describe as "loving attachment" pales in comparison to infatuation (what Mr. Marshall calls "limerance" and Accuray calls "in love"), and some WAS don't get that. When I say your wife is not "in love" with you, I speak not of infatuation (I agree with Accuray, you cannot expect that high to return in a long term marriage) but of loving attachment. It is the absence of loving attachment from a marriage that can make a spouse feel that there is no "love" in your marriage. A lack will also kill attraction.

I agree. W and I have touched on this in the past. I'm not sure how she REALLY feels about it at the end of the day.

You are in the best position to determine that, the community out here can only guide you based on what you write on these boards.

Exactly, and I'm not very good at. These last couple posts had me thinking about just that and I've dug out some notes I have with some things I haven't mentioned. I'm going to post shortly.



Accuray this gave me goosebumps, you couldn't be more right, I'm going to need to read this a few more times.

Well, I do honestly believe that all that's required for infidelity is opportunity. So I do believe you can "do nothing wrong" and still get cheated on.

Very true. The opportunity came at the perfect time.

Usually, however, there's something else going on real or perceived. Sometimes the WAS was deeply hurt or upset by something they never told you about, or did tell you about but you drastically underestimated the importance of it.

Both of these happened.

Not to say that these hurts were rational or fair or anything else, only that they can exist with or without your knowledge. For the "soon to be WAS" it's a common pattern that they smash their issues with you down rather than deal with them, and resentment sneaks up on them before they know what's happened and they're on their way to checking out.

I think very few people make the decision to go cheat and to detach from their marriage. Generally it's the result of negative self-perpetuating cycles.

And this.

I will definitely get SSM, thank you.