At the risk of sounding like I'm down playing it, there were no glaring "hurts". It was normal marriage stuff.
"Attraction" and "Intimacy" we're never an issue until OM came into the picture.
Well, I do honestly believe that all that's required for infidelity is opportunity. So I do believe you can "do nothing wrong" and still get cheated on.
Usually, however, there's something else going on real or perceived. Sometimes the WAS was deeply hurt or upset by something they never told you about, or did tell you about but you drastically underestimated the importance of it.
Not to say that these hurts were rational or fair or anything else, only that they can exist with or without your knowledge. For the "soon to be WAS" it's a common pattern that they smash their issues with you down rather than deal with them, and resentment sneaks up on them before they know what's happened and they're on their way to checking out.
I think very few people make the decision to go cheat and to detach from their marriage. Generally it's the result of negative self-perpetuating cycles.
If you haven't read "The Sex Starved Marriage", both you and your wife should do so. Don't be put off by the title, she defines "Sex Starved" as a marriage where one partner has a higher desire than the other, and the desire gap bothers the higher drive partner. That doesn't mean you never have sex, you just don't have sex enough for the HD partner.
That book does an excellent job of describing this dynamic: The W doesn't feel like having sex because you're not spending enough quality time with her outside the bedroom, talking to her and listening to her. The H is not getting the sex he wants, and therefore isn't motivated to spend the quality time. Because the W isn't getting the quality time, she wants sex even less, which makes the man less motivated to provide the quality time.
It's a self-feeding cycle that pulls you farther apart each time you spin around the wheel. The only way you break it is that one party has to pay it forward -- the H has to spend the quality time despite not getting the sex, or the W has to engage in the sex without getting the quality time. That can start a positive cycle spinning where suddenly getting your needs met inspires you to *want* to meet the other person's needs.
Sex is only one example, but there are many many dynamics like this that happen in a long term relationship where negative behavior precipitates and reinforces negative behavior in response, and you both resent the symptoms without ever addressing the cause.
Has your W addressed what lead her to cheat? How does she feel she got into that situation? (I'm sure you'll cover that in your summary)
Good stuff HopefulStill! It sounds like we've done very similar reading and research and joined here at about the same time.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
