One giant leap forward!

[T1000]

Isn't ignoring her or giving her the silent treatment a bit passive aggressive and also could be seen as weak, as if I don't know how to respond in some way?

I guess it could, but it seems like there is many different opinions on this particular subject!

IMO you and I share opinion on this one, but perhaps it is time for you to try a different angle! You have for a long time responded to your W so to stop would send some signal! PM and Sandi seems to agree and if I take out my opinion on answering questions I do as well
To be honest it would pi$$ me off – a lot and that’s properly why I feel compelled to answer.

I do agree with Sandi:

I still think she's playing you

I am still in doubt if she has even spoken to a solicitor. She has been trying to control and manipulate you for the last weeks and this could just be more of the same.

Let it rest for some days and see what happens.
She could easily come on to you either spewing or sweet-talking.

If you feel compelled to answer I would go with an open-ended question into the subject of the agreement she mentioned and I would leave the accusation for now. This is not the time for fights! You are hurt and properly she is as well – nothing good will come of this. I believe this should be addressed – just not right now!

One more thing: You have a history into this texting/mailing thing and it seems to me that you often get it wrong when things are edgy. That’s where you are right now and that’s another reason for just leaving this be.

You will see W again this weekend as I recall – wait and see what happens then!
When will you see her again? Friday?


F

I was going to pick the kids up Friday afternoon. The only thing spoke about the kids was she was having them last weekend so I presume I am having them this weekend.
Unless I contact her asking if that is the case thats all I know.

[T1000]

I read something Sandi said in one of MrBond's threads:

we females are made up of hormones. All our life....from the day we are born to the day we die.......we are either pre-menstral, mid-menstral, or post-menstral. cry Our entire life is based around our cycle!

I know I'm to prone to using my mind-reading hat but...
Last week, W was all attack, attack and foaming at the mouth.
This week, W appears calmer and more approachable.

I have my W's cycles in my calendar but I haven't had then turned in for a while.
Out of interest I checked and last week she was premenstrual and this week mid-menstrual. Is this by chance, possibly something to it or too much hat wearing?

[Fartiltre]

T,

You do make smiles come to my face!

I own the same hat but mine has not come up with this one yet! As always you have the lead!
I would, out of curiosity, definitely go back in sitch and look into this – perhaps just for the fun!
But if you find this to be true you will be the next MWD and you will be able to schedule meetings and talks with W in a totally new perspective!

Keep us posted on this one!

F

P.S. I wouldn’t read anything into this for now!

[PatientMan]

I was going to pick the kids up Friday afternoon. The only thing spoke about the kids was she was having them last weekend so I presume I am having them this weekend.
Unless I contact her asking if that is the case thats all I know.

If that's the agreement you have in place, the only question you should be asking is WHEN you are picking them up, not IF.

"W, based on our agreement I have the kids this weekend and would like to pick them up at #:## (time). Please confirm this time works.

Thanks,
T1000"

^Communicating out of necessity only and firmly standing your ground with regards to your time with you kids. ASKING her if you GET them this weekend is weak posturing.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I read something Sandi said in one of MrBond's threads:

we females are made up of hormones. All our life....from the day we are born to the day we die.......we are either pre-menstral, mid-menstral, or post-menstral. cry Our entire life is based around our cycle!

I know I'm to prone to using my mind-reading hat but...
Last week, W was all attack, attack and foaming at the mouth.
This week, W appears calmer and more approachable.

I have my W's cycles in my calendar but I haven't had then turned in for a while.
Out of interest I checked and last week she was premenstrual and this week mid-menstrual. Is this by chance, possibly something to it or too much hat wearing?

My XW had extremely predictable behavior based on her cycle, so it's definitely a reality you may consider strategizing around.

[labug]

I know I'm to prone to using my mind-reading hat but...
Last week, W was all attack, attack and foaming at the mouth.
This week, W appears calmer and more approachable.

I have my W's cycles in my calendar but I haven't had then turned in for a while.
Out of interest I checked and last week she was premenstrual and this week mid-menstrual. Is this by chance, possibly something to it or too much hat wearing?

A question, how does this help you?

That is your W's issue. You can't change her, you can't control her.

If you were in a loving R then maybe you could talk about this in a safe, respectful way.

But you aren't in that kind of R. You're getting a D. She doesn't like you right now.

Both male and female are controlled by hormones, we'd be corpses without them. You can keep your hormones in check when you interact by choosing to respond, not react due to the hormones pumped out when you feel wounded, anger kicks in and fight or flight takes over your brain. Calm the aggression brought on by your testosterone.

You and W flip from victim, to rescuer to persecutor in the blink of an eye. It's a never ending cycle until one of you decides to stop.

It reminds me of little kids in the back seat of a car "He hit me" "She was on my side of the seat" "Mom he's making faces" "She called me a bad name"

Just stop. You can do it.

The 2 of you acting and reacting in these ways will hurt your kids more than a simple, amicable D ever could.If you didn't have kids, I'd say go for it, jump in the mud and scratch and kick like he!!.

But every time you and W wound each other, you also wound your kids.

I would suggest you don't show up at her house unless you know she is expecting you to have the kids that weekend. That means you need to respectfully communicate with her about that and it would be a good idea to come up with a plan for the future so you don't need a lot of future communication. There are online calendars that allow you to do that without face-to-face.

Do you know what your bottom line is as far as D settlement goes?

I wish you good luck and hope your kids get the best of the deal.

[T1000]

I was going to pick the kids up Friday afternoon. The only thing spoke about the kids was she was having them last weekend so I presume I am having them this weekend.
Unless I contact her asking if that is the case thats all I know.

If that's the agreement you have in place, the only question you should be asking is WHEN you are picking them up, not IF.

"W, based on our agreement I have the kids this weekend and would like to pick them up at #:## (time). Please confirm this time works.

Thanks,
T1000"

^Communicating out of necessity only and firmly standing your ground with regards to your time with you kids. ASKING her if you GET them this weekend is weak posturing.

-PM

I wouldn't call it an agreement.
I have picked up the kids on a Friday at 15:00 every week except last week.
I was just going to do the same.

If I'm supposed to be ignoring the email how can I then ask her something if I won't answer her question?

[T1000]

I know I'm to prone to using my mind-reading hat but...
Last week, W was all attack, attack and foaming at the mouth.
This week, W appears calmer and more approachable.

I have my W's cycles in my calendar but I haven't had then turned in for a while.
Out of interest I checked and last week she was premenstrual and this week mid-menstrual. Is this by chance, possibly something to it or too much hat wearing?

A question, how does this help you?

That is your W's issue. You can't change her, you can't control her.

If you were in a loving R then maybe you could talk about this in a safe, respectful way.

But you aren't in that kind of R. You're getting a D. She doesn't like you right now.

Both male and female are controlled by hormones, we'd be corpses without them. You can keep your hormones in check when you interact by choosing to respond, not react due to the hormones pumped out when you feel wounded, anger kicks in and fight or flight takes over your brain. Calm the aggression brought on by your testosterone.

If it was an obvious pattern I could at least be aware of the times.

You and W flip from victim, to rescuer to persecutor in the blink of an eye. It's a never ending cycle until one of you decides to stop.

It reminds me of little kids in the back seat of a car "He hit me" "She was on my side of the seat" "Mom he's making faces" "She called me a bad name"

Just stop. You can do it.

The 2 of you acting and reacting in these ways will hurt your kids more than a simple, amicable D ever could.If you didn't have kids, I'd say go for it, jump in the mud and scratch and kick like he!!.

But every time you and W wound each other, you also wound your kids.

How do I not wound her unless I just give in?

Do you think I should or shouldn't be ignoring her right now?

I would suggest you don't show up at her house unless you know she is expecting you to have the kids that weekend. That means you need to respectfully communicate with her about that and it would be a good idea to come up with a plan for the future so you don't need a lot of future communication. There are online calendars that allow you to do that without face-to-face.

Like I said to PM. I have picked up the kids on a Friday at 15:00 every week except last week.
I was just going to do the same.

Do you know what your bottom line is as far as D settlement goes?

I wish you good luck and hope your kids get the best of the deal.

I do have a pretty clear picture and it is nowhere near what she wants but it is a bit more than my solicitor said she would/could get.

My solicitor said she could be entitled to about 20% of the equity after the house sells, after the debt is paid of. She could maybe get £2000.
She is wanting 50% before debt is paid off, £15000.
Quite a difference!

I'm already paying her more than I can comfortably afford per month which is more than CSA would make me pay, she says it's not enough.

There so much more to it than I think she has even thought about. Her phone contract is through the company I work for. Her medical insurance is part of my policy.
Theres nearly £100 a month there.
Her car has been insured on my policy. Sooner or later I am going to be committing fraud by continuing to do so. If I cancel it and she gets her own insurance the cost will double. Another £100

How do I even begin to get around this?
I might sound all woe is me saying all this but I really do not how I could create something even remotely amicable with being the baddy.

Maybe if financially I was well off I could meet her needs more. From a selfish point of view why should I even slightly struggle to give her the life she wants as an XW?

I'm finding hard to know what to do right now.

[AnotherStander]

That makes sense but then aren't I helping her achieve D? I thought we weren't supposed to do anyhing to aid D?

If she's hellbent on divorce then you're not going to stop it no matter what delay tactics you try to employ. My attitude about it is if D is inevitable- if it's really clear your spouse is proceeding with it with or without you, then if you can negotiate a peaceful settlement then it's the best thing for all involved (especially kids). I have VERY strong memories of my parents' divorce. I was dragged into court to testify against my mom; it was the most frightening, horrible moment of my life. I would do anything to keep my own kids from having to go through that.

Again that makes sense although I find the majority of what she has asked for to be too much. I also know where I stand in regards to what I would have to give her if we did do D through solicitors and it's nowhere near what she is wanting. How could I possibly come out of this without being the evil H?

I'm certainly not suggesting just caving to her demands. If she's being unrealistic and the two of you can't negotiate a settlement, then you may very well have to involve solicitors.

Aren't I then saying it is OK for her talk to talk me in this way?

I don't usually do this, but I'm going to answer your question with a question- are you detached?

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[AnotherStander]

If I'm supposed to be ignoring the email how can I then ask her something if I won't answer her question?

I'm not sure what email you're talking about, but I just wanted to clarify that "going dark" stuff does NOT extend to the kids. The kids come first and you should have open communications with your W regarding the kids. Don't ignore emails/ texts/ phone calls related to the kids.