Bea, thank you so much for your openness and for sharing the feelings you still have for your xh. It seems you honored yourself by remaining true to your feelings and not allowing your xh's actions to change you in any way (other than personal growth). I understand the need for distance from someone who has hurt your terribly, but I can tell that you still have love and compassion in your heart.
I have spent a lot of time pondering how I could still have any positive feelings for a person who is terribly flawed and has abandoned his family. The pain he inflicted has been unreal yet I know that I forgive him. I can look at pictures of him and I'm not angry. The good memories trump the bad.
It's very hard to deal with the current person that xh is. He seems void of all feeling. He's shows no vitality. He looks old and tired. His brain must be swirling with all of the stories and lies that he's told, including those about me.
With all of the information that I've gathered I now understand why xh avoided me and won't look at me when we meet. He's full of shame. I used to think it was because of the disgust he had for me and I couldn't understand it.
This evening I am meeting with a therapist for the boys. Telling this story is exhausting. This is the last time I want to tell it.
I'm feeling really anxious today. Anticipating the meeting on Friday is weighing on me. I want to believe that a good outcome can be achieved. Xh is after what he can get without concern for me or the boys, so our approach is completely different. I just want us both to have our needs met so we can land on our feet and move forward. I need to keep that in mind and not waver from that approach. It's going to be very difficult.
