Don't understand, why now???? Plus what do I do??

[jp787]

HW beat me to it!

I too am like you, different abuse background, but I treated my W like sh1t.
All you can do is fix you, no one else.

I had my awakening and made some drastic changes, now I "expect" my W to see and accept those changes. I "expect" her to make her changes and then it all will be better, but guess what? It doesn't work that way. Our W's have lived many years putting their hearts and souls into making things work, trying to help us see the light to no avail. When we do, they are checked out. It [censored], trust me I kick myself every day for not waking up sooner, but that isn't how it normally works.

As LBS we choose to stand and fight, but that means that we choose a very, very difficult road. We must change ourselves and not have any expectations for our spouses. We must face our demons and do it for us and us alone. We do this all while learning empathy for what our spouses have been through and feel, without expectations. It is a choice to better ourselves and leave the road home smooth and paved. It is a difficult road to walk as we not only have to find ourselves, but we have to allow our spouses to walk their own road.

I am learning to be less selfish and more giving, it isn't easy, but it is something I want. I am the Epitomy of someone who lives in self pity, so trust me when I say don't live there.

[labug]

ct man, congrats on being sober 10 months.

AlAnon might help your wife but she has to want that help as others have said. Maybe at some point she will want to seek help but it has to be in her time, just like you getting sober was in your time.

There are many different styles around her, some may appeal to you some may not. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

[ct man 1969]

MrBond,

This is why AA never worked for me. Rooms full of smoke and an overwhelming majority of people with self-righteous indignation trying to prove how much better of a recovery they're making by bragging on how bad they used to be. Most of the men there are more concerned about the 13th step, and supplanting one addiction with another. For the most part, these people are still as miserable as they were when they were drinking, and still struggle every day with their addiction. The only difference is that they're miserable sober people as opposed to miserable drunks. It's a program based overwhelmingly on ones own fortitude and deeds. Although I'm sure this program has worked for many, many people, it wasn't the program for me. As for me, I trust my Lord God to deliver me, and he has. My God is bigger than any problem or addiction that can come before me.

I went to AA and I never left a single meeting feeling better than when I entered it. It wasn't until I found a Christian addiction program that I got the help I truly needed. I handed my addiction totally over to God, and I've yet to have a single craving. Not a one, and that's no lie. Since I began my sobriety, I've been in situations that I would have had no chance of withstanding without drinking had I continued in AA. I've learned that my addiction is my problem, and I've also learned how to become a better person, better father , and better husband.

The one and only reason I brought up Al-anon for my wife was so that she could deal with the emotions that I helped place in her heart by speaking and sharing with other spouses that went through the same thing. Maybe she might get some insight as to how to forgive. To tell you the truth, I know she doesn't owe me anything, I would just like her to forgive me some day. Not for me and not necessarily to come back to me, but so she wouldn't end up like other women I've witnessed that never forgave people and are hopelessly bitter to everyone around them and are now lonely. That would be a terrible fate for something that I did to her. I don't want what I did to her to keep her unhappy for the rest of her life. That isn't fair to her. It was never, never, ever for her to take any ownership of MY PROBLEM!!!!!!

And maybe at first I was being overly sensitive by taking what you said about her not being the problem as bashing me, but then you just proved my point when you said I wasn't being a man by not taking full responsibility. I've taken full responsibility. If I didn't, I would never have stopped drinking and tried to make things right to begin with. If I didn't, I wouldn't be concerned for my wife's future whether it's with me or without me. I have yet to blame anyone but myself!!!

[Tallula]

MrBond,

This is why AA never worked for me. Rooms full of smoke and an overwhelming majority of people with self-righteous indignation trying to prove how much better of a recovery they're making by bragging on how bad they used to be. Most of the men there are more concerned about the 13th step, and supplanting one addiction with another. For the most part, these people are still as miserable as they were when they were drinking, and still struggle every day with their addiction. The only difference is that they're miserable sober people as opposed to miserable drunks. It's a program based overwhelmingly on ones own fortitude and deeds. Although I'm sure this program has worked for many, many people, it wasn't the program for me. As for me, I trust my Lord God to deliver me, and he has. My God is bigger than any problem or addiction that can come before me.

I am so very glad that you have found something that works for you. I strongly disagree with your comments on AA. Having been an active AA member for 11 years, it has been amazing. God has removed my obsession to drink, that is the main purpose of the program. To look within, take inventory of your wrong doings, your defects of character and ask God to remove them. I work the steps daily in my life and have become a happy, sane, person due to it. Most people I know in AA are happy. Are their people there not happy and miserable, of course. Plenty in church too, but I don't go around badmouthing church. I go to church, in fact. I truly believe that working the steps and my experience in AA and Ala-non is what enabled me to embrace DB principles so easily. My H as well. I believe that it is a very strong reason why, within 9 months of BD, we are piecing.

[ct man 1969]

Tallula,

My last post wasn't meant to be an attack on AA, and I'm sorry if that's how I came across. I was just trying to get a point across that it didn't work for me as well as make the point that I wasn't blaming my wife for anything that she's feeling. Rather that I was concerned for how she processes her anger and resentment if at all in the future. Whether she ends up with me or not, I love her so much that I really would like to see her heal from the pain I've caused. I had acknowledged that AA has worked for countless people and I'm happy that it has for you. Again, I apologize.

[Tallula]

Re-read your post. Then explain to me how that was just stating that it didn't work for you. And I'm really asking you to look at it.

You completly bashed AA, calling it's members "an overwhelming majority of people with self-righteous indignation trying to prove how much better of a recovery they're making by bragging on how bad they used to be" and "For the most part, these people are still as miserable as they were when they were drinking, and still struggle every day with their addiction. The only difference is that they're miserable sober people as opposed to miserable drunks". Then you misrepresented the principles as "a program based overwhelmingly on ones own fortitude and deeds" which it is absolutely not. The way you discribed God having removed your drinking obsession, is exactly the way it works in AA. Steps. Finding God. But then you added at the end "I'm sure this program has worked for many, many people, it wasn't the program for me". Kinda like when someone says "Not to be rude"...and then is TOTALLY rude. Hehe.

I'm not here to tell you you are wrong. You are entiled to your opinion, but a huge part of DB is to really look at ourselves and the above post did not come from a place of "oh, this didn't work for me". It seemed to come from a very defensive place and was very, very critical of AA.

Mr. Bond can be blunt, no doubt. He was not bashing you, just trying to point something out. He is very direct, that's his style. Even when I made the point to say to keep a focus on your sobriety, I never at all insinuated you weren't. It was only a sugguestion as someone who has watched hundreds of people over the years focus too much on their families and not themselves and end up drinking again. You could have simply said "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. My sobriety is so important." you said "I have not neglected, nor do I ever intend too..." It just little things like this. Look, we ALL come here because we want our families to work. The fact is, we need to focus on ourselves. Saving ourselves. Then the rest follows.

I completely understand why you would want your wife to not be a bitter person. I know I suggested not to tell her about ala-non, because she only sees you as the problem. My cheating husband only saw me as the problem at first. Now, not the case. But I came here, learned how to keep my mouth shut and work on me. Learned how to truly listen and not be so defensive. I see alot of myself in you. Someone says something we perceive as an insult or "dig" and we go about trying to convince them why they are wrong. Instead, we are missing out on what they truly may be saying to us. But you don't get it, or but you are feeling wrong..or but THIS IS HOW IT IS!! So much energy wasted on trying to control things we can't. But even if they are bashing us...who cares what some random stranger on a message board thinks, lol! Let them! Your wife is entitled to think how she thinks. You are entiled to think that all AA is a bunch of selfish, whinning, smoking, a$$hats. Doesn't make me less sober or happy, Ha! Now, when I got here and before my work in ala-non...oh, I cared what EVERYONE thought of me. Now, not so much.

I hope you keep posting!! I hope you can go back and reread all the comments, yours and others, and see the advice and not what you perceive as criticism. We are all here to help. Everyone wants the best for you, Mr. Bond included!

[MrBond]

I agree with Talulla. You did totally bash AA. Even if you didn't get anything out of it, there are hundreds who have. And any way, if you had such a bad experience, it didn't make sense for you to ask if your spouse should go.

[SM34]

Just a quick few comments...

Tallula is right. It is difficult but you must try your best to listen to people on this.forum who are trying to help you.

It is very difficult, and Tallula,, Bond and others would tell you I struggled with listening to them point out my flaws. Its painful. You feel misunderstood. But you must realize it is all for your own good, so you can change....


As Tallula said, being able to say 'thank you for your input' and then stop there, without adding a dig or two at the person trying to help, takes some practice when you are not used to it. But it is an essential skill in marriage, and you can practice it here....its called HUMILITY.

one comment from me, and this is just my opinion. I think you are being very hard on yourself.

I mean, you wish your wife would some day forgive you for 'what you did to her'.

In my opinion this is a common trap the LBS falls into. Believing that it is soley your fault for the breakdown of your marriage is not only not true, but a dangerous position to take. It takes two to make a successful marriage and as your pain and anger over what has happened begins to subside, you will begin to see more clearly how it was not all your fault.

To me, it seems that this is a crucial milestone or hurdle for the LBS. there is no moving forward whether it be in your current marriage or a new one without first overcoming this nagging feeling that you caused this,mess all on your own.

You cannot expect to successfully move forward without one critical thing....FORGIVING YOURSELF!

You must forgive yourself for what you feel you have done to land yourself in this position. Only then can you begin to move forward and to fix your flaws so that you can become the man you were meant to be, the,man you are capable of being, and the man that only a fool would leave...

Start the process...let go if the past... forgive yourself.

[ct man 1969]

Tallula,

Three quick words in response to your last post to me; sorry, wow, and thank you.

MrBond,

My ignorance was that I thought al-anon was different than AA, and thus my wife's experience might be different than mine. This doesn't excuse me from taking your posts as a personal attack on me and I apologize for my response to you as well my bashing of AA.

SM34,

Thank you as well for your post. Humility is a problem that I know I have and actually have been consciously trying to work on, and I know that the majority of my problems (including the need to have more humility) is letting go of my pride.

All,

Once again, I apologize for bashing AA and basically being defensive about what you have posted in an attempt to help me.

Thank you and God bless

[Tallula]

Tallula,

Three quick words in response to your last post to me; sorry, wow, and thank you.

MrBond,

My ignorance was that I thought al-anon was different than AA, and thus my wife's experience might be different than mine. This doesn't excuse me from taking your posts as a personal attack on me and I apologize for my response to you as well my bashing of AA.

SM34,

Thank you as well for your post. Humility is a problem that I know I have and actually have been consciously trying to work on, and I know that the majority of my problems (including the need to have more humility) is letting go of my pride.

All,

Once again, I apologize for bashing AA and basically being defensive about what you have posted in an attempt to help me.

Thank you and God bless

Great!! No problem, that ego is not an easy thing to squash. Ugh. Trust me, I GET IT!!

We just get so wrapped up in thinking we are misunderstood and spend so much energy on trying to get people to see things our way. If I don't agree with something my H or anyone else says, I don't have to argue with them anymore. Their "truth" does not have to influence or diminish my "truth". When I really understood and believed that, my whole world opened up and I feel so free.

Ala-non is a different program than AA. I believe Bond thought you were in AA, trying to get your wife to go to ala-non. Not only is this a classic thing that happens in AA, but here on DB we LBS tend to beg, plead, harrass our spouses to go to MC, church, etc to try to save the marriage. All it does is make them mad because they only see us as the problem. While that is never the case, it takes 2, DB principles say for us to stop that pressure and simply work on the only thing we can control...ourselves.

So, back to it. Did you finish the book? What are your 180s right now. What GALS are you going to do this week?