Just saying hello.

[Fartiltre]

Hi Pro
At first you must realize that I am not a VET! I believe you have received a lot of good advice but something sticks out in your sit when I read it. I will try to clarify this below.

First off all: I understand you! I am still living with my WAS as well and it is rough. She is moving out in a few weeks and boy would I like to prolong.

I have followed your sitch and today I read through it again and I see “more of the same” all over the place. You need to get a hold of yourself and your feelings. You are violating 37 rules again and again, you are pursuing, talking R/M, future and so forth – and it does NOT do you any good! At all!

You, me and a lot of other people in here are not able to let go off our feelings but the feelings should NOT dictate our actions!

Second regarding your comment to her, well it looks like you know you shouldn't have said it so I won't 2x4 you

I guess that’s exactly what I am about to do! It is well meant – keep that in mind!
I do not know you or your wife as a person so a lot off this will be my view and my experiences from the last 4 months. Use what you can and discard the rest – smiling!

Lets start of with this:
W:"is there a reason that you didn't sign the lease or are you just being difficult?"
YOU:"Good morning. Yes. No."

My thoughts: Had I received that response then i would have probably taken it to mean that the sender did not wish to get into a discussion. I might also wonder if i had said anything to annoy. I would not be too full of wonder if i had sent an initial message similar to the one that my W sent to me though!

Is this the way you want your W to feel about you?
Is this the old PRO that was fun to be around?

I believe it isn’t and I do believe you know this! That’s me mindreading you so to clarify!

If she is trying to pick a fight, provoke you, annoy you or anything like that she succeeded!
She is stating a feeling and those you want to validate! Do that and you will remove the tension!
W, I understand how you could feel like I am being difficult but….

I read your answer as a bit rude and that’s violating rule #15

Another example of this:

Stated that it was very hard for others to maintain a happy disposition when i am miserable every morning. I stated that it was not true.

You have already evaluated this in your thread- but it is a perfect example!

Do you believe your answer brought you closer to or further away from your goal?

I do believe you need to dwell on this!
Your acting’s and sayings around your W is pushing her away and this is only due to the fact that you let your emotions control your actions. In your answer to HWA you express this!
Your emotions are all over which is totally understandable BUT they should not control anything!

As I read you, you get the points in DBing but you need to put them into better use!
The first thing you need to do is to highlight your goals. The ultimate is getting a good M with W – I believe!

Aaarrrgghhh!! I don't want to be separated. Why cant' i let go?

If that’s the goal then split it up into minors but ALWAYS remember the ultimate goal.
When you send an answer like you did, you move away from that goal. You should always try to do things that make you move closer to that goal!

Your W has stated clearly that she would like the old Pro back!
What was he like?
Would he have sent a text like that?
Who are you now and who do you really want to be?
You know about PMA, act-as-if, fake-it-till-you-make-it and all of that, but you need to do it and you need to do it consistently
IMO you don’t! You backslide and act on emotions!

i would have liked to have spent more time communicating

You wrote this and yet you send a text like that! IMO no answer would have been way better!

Which leads me on to another complaint - not being available emotionally?? or emotionally supportive.
I have decided to make a point of being alert for an opportunity to make a positive comment to my wife each day.

The text is the opposite of this!

A few more examples:

i just don't seem to be able to resist lapsing into complete lack of emotional control
I begged my wife by text message: "please don't do this".
i followed my wife around the house this evening, trying to continue a conversation

Well, enough of this!
I guess AnotherStander, earlier in your thread, put in short what I am trying to tell you:

So, you have to stow all your feelings and emotions.

AND THAT IS THE DIFFYCULT PART OF ALL THIS!

I am still new to all of this so I can only tell you what works for me!

ALWAYS keep the hope
If the hope is gone – all is gone. When I am having days with low hope, I reduce interactions with W to a minimum. Low hope influences me like nothing else!

GOAL-setting and KEEPING A PLAN
Read the chapter in DR about goals and do this!
Looking at this as a project and a little businesslike has helped me a lot!

I keep records (in here), I can monitor development, I evaluate! That keeps the feelings stowed away! They still surface but I now know when and how to react!

KNOWLEDGE
I am not sure how much you have done about this, but I have had a tremendous awakening by reading about the WAS, validating, attraction, marriage and so on.
The knowledge gives me understanding and again this helps me look at my sitch through objective glasses. I still F… this up major a lot, but without this it would have been all the time!

READ THE RULES
Read Sandis rules every day and apply them consistently!
These are brilliant and easy to apply. Read the sticky thread. There’s some discussion in there at the moment!

FOCUS ON YOU
What do you want from your life: Forget about W for a moment!!!
Imagine a life without W! I know it is tough but to me this was the way around it!
What will you miss?
Company: What can you do about it?
Somebody to share the day with: What can you do about it?
Noice in the house: What can you do about it?
Workforce in the house: What can you do about it?
Face your fears and work through them!

Then ask yourself what would you would like:
Health: You are working this already – good! Keep it going!
Kids: Better relationships with kids?
Work: Is it treating you good?
Hobbies: Anything you have been dreaming about doing?

List your wishes and dreams and start working them.

GAL
There are several points to this!
Do not just hang out with the old buddies! GAL includes doing new things, meeting new people, finding old friends!
I have taken a lot of hammering because of my poor ability in this area. This is important, it is hard to do but it can be done! Get a new hobby, get in touch with distant or old friends, invite a colleague to do something. This one is hard to me and a lot of other people in here – IT CAN AND SHOULD BE DONE!

SOMETHING ELSE TO CONSIDER
Always ask yourself the question: Will this bring me closer to my goal or not? If not then don’t do it!!! At the least do evaluate your actions and sayings. You have done this some times in your thread. Do it every day!

Apply 48/96/168 hour rule: If about to act on feelings then wait! Leave the discussion and take a time out. Get a grip and then continue! Think, come here for advice – then act! You have done this a few times but do it consistently!
If you do this for some time you will learn to detach from you. I think it was PatientMan that wrote somewhere that you have to detach from yourself and that holds a lot of truth.

Validate: Always validate her feelings! Always! Listen for the feelings not the words! Read up on this subject. AS is the master – you can start by his posts but www is filled with info on this subject! Practise on other people than W – kids are brilliant!

This will slow conversations with W for some time but when you get it going things will become more fluently again.





So I guess what I am saying is that you can do this, but IMO you have to start acting smarter. Let the feelings rest when interacting with W. Get a hold on yourself and decide which path you want to follow
From there it is just about doing it – so do that! You have read about patience! This is a marathon and…… You know it all! The hard part is realizing the truth in this! This is a long haul so make the plan like that! NOTHING in regards of W, M, GAL, fears etc. will change in a week. Make a plan for the next half or hole year and do the follow up!

Remember again I am new to this, I could have read your entire thread in the wrong way or misunderstood something. It is your life and your sitch and thereby also up to you to decide what you want of it. The above is just a very well-meant opinion from the other side of the globe!

All the best to you and your family!
Best wishes
F