W first mentioned D mid Wednesday. No holiday today in the UK. She could have seen a solicitor no problem.
I will leave it a while before responding.
Funny thing is when she replied about it being too expensive I initially thought she meant no divorce just arrange things we need between us. It was until AS mentioned we sort the D out between us that should could very well still want D, just a cheap one.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I've been and seen a solicitor today and to be honest I really can't afford to go down this road. I think it would be better If we could come to some kind of arrangement between us?
You called her bluff and told her to proceed......and now she's saying she really can't afford that route. I still think she's playing you. If.....(and that's a big if)) she saw a lawyer at all, she found out she would not be getting everything like she wants. She knows that you have not been able to tell her no in the past, so she knows she stands a better win to deal directly with you, rather than paying a lawyer to get less for her.
Take a few more days to think about it. You ARE NOT required to respond to anything she tries to push on you. I don't care how many questions she asks. If you are not in favor ......don't respond. Give it some time to think more about it. Since she has treated you like she did........all because you didn't keep the kids a couple of days.....after already giving her almost a week off, I see no reason you should jump just b/c she says so.
She will screw you over......b/c she thinks you are still that passive "yes" man who won't take up for himself. "If" she is truly wanting to get a D. I noticed she never used that word in her email. If you go ahead and answer her.....and you've not been able to control yourself in the past......try to keep it short and asking for better clarification and saying you want time to think on it. But save all the transactions between the two of you. And do not agree to anything without taking a couple of weeks to think it over carefully.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Has she apologized for calling you a snake? (countless times)
For calling you a liar? Deceitful? Sneaky?
For telling you to go f**k yourself? (4x, at least)
***
I'm sorry, but why are you communicating with this person? If you absolutely MUST tell her something because you just can't resist (but should), you very calmly tell her that her behavior and treatment of you is completely unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it. You will then only communicate out of absolute necessity and you will not respond to her or initiate contact otherwise until she apologizes. If she screams or yells or threatens or anything else, you stand there and stare at her with an emotionless face until she's through or you simply walk away, and you do it cool, calm, and collected.
Do not, under any circumstances, show this woman that anything she says or does affects you in any way AT ALL.
Do you hear me?
It doesn't matter how you FEEL; you can vent those feelings off somewhere and sometime else. A little trick I learned that has been stated other ways on this MB: learn to detach from YOURSELF as well. This allows you to handle extremely stressful and emotional situations with statue-like stoicism.
T, do you want to be with someone who is like this? You need to teach her that you will not allow yourself to be treated this way. She may get pissed off about it, but she'll at least gain respect for you. Ignore this woman until she realizes what she has done and apologizes. If she never gets to that point, R with this woman can in no way be healthy and it certainly doesn't sound like a lifetime full of happiness for you.
Set the boundaries now. GAL. Give her space and time.
It's a win-win. If she cools down and apologizes, your relationship at least has a chance of being amicable. If she never does, you don't want to be with her anyway.
I'll suggest it again: IGNORE HER. Silent treatment her into the dirt. (Also, expect her to up her game in response, but just stick to your guns.)
Focus on you. The "you" you want to be doesn't put up with this.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Quite a few opposing opinions on how I should/could proceed.
I wasn't sure whether I should expect an apology or not. Patient Man you give a good argument for one.
Just looking back over the last 12 days she has gone from nicely trying to get/keep my attention to name calling and abusive to a divorce where she takes as much as she can and any very official sounding replies to nicely sounding we can sort this out together??
I would be interested in Sandi's opinion of what you said about an apology PM.
I would rather get this sorted sooner rather than later. If look at my reasons this it is because I feel pressure from her to do so. That cannot be my reasons.
I do feel like the ball is back in my court and I can choose to play, how to play and or just not play right now. Whether she was bluffing or not I know she one can't afford to gut me like a fish and strictly speaking she wouldn't have been that successful even if she could have afforded to.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
This thread filled up really quickly, it's only been a week. Have to start a new one soon.
Just wanted to say thanks to all that help in any way, it's much appreciated. Thanks!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Isn't ignoring her or giving her the silent treatment a bit passive aggressive and also could be seen as weak, as if I don't know how to respond in some way?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Isn't ignoring her or giving her the silent treatment a bit passive aggressive and also could be seen as weak, as if I don't know how to respond in some way?
I guess it could, but it seems like there is many different opinions on this particular subject!
IMO you and I share opinion on this one, but perhaps it is time for you to try a different angle! You have for a long time responded to your W so to stop would send some signal! PM and Sandi seems to agree and if I take out my opinion on answering questions I do as well To be honest it would pi$$ me off – a lot and that’s properly why I feel compelled to answer.
I do agree with Sandi:
Originally Posted By: Sandi
I still think she's playing you
I am still in doubt if she has even spoken to a solicitor. She has been trying to control and manipulate you for the last weeks and this could just be more of the same.
Let it rest for some days and see what happens. She could easily come on to you either spewing or sweet-talking.
If you feel compelled to answer I would go with an open-ended question into the subject of the agreement she mentioned and I would leave the accusation for now. This is not the time for fights! You are hurt and properly she is as well – nothing good will come of this. I believe this should be addressed – just not right now!
One more thing: You have a history into this texting/mailing thing and it seems to me that you often get it wrong when things are edgy. That’s where you are right now and that’s another reason for just leaving this be.
You will see W again this weekend as I recall – wait and see what happens then! When will you see her again? Friday?
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Isn't ignoring her or giving her the silent treatment a bit passive aggressive
No. Whether it's your W or anyone else, YOU'RE setting a boundary of how YOU will allow yourself to be treated.
Originally Posted By: T1000
and also could be seen as weak, as if I don't know how to respond in some way?
You have no control how she chooses to see it.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
