Guess I belong here now...

[sweetbabyred]

Thank you all so much for the reassurance!

I was wondering if XH and I were both crazy for thinking we might be able to have some kind of friendship after all of this.

I do love his family and I can't imagine not being part of my SS's life.

Dawn, I'll respond to your question tomorrow. I'll have to think on it a little.

I spent most of the day at a simulcast from the authors of Boundaries. I wish all of us on here could have been there because I think that book was written for LBS, most of whom are fixers and codependents. It was a great GAL activity to get me out of the house and it really reinforced what I should be doing.

[sweetbabyred]

Dawn, I'm going to try to answer your questions, without being too long winded, if that's possible.

Before, XH had said that he needed a D because it didn't give the other women he was dating a fair chance because he'd compare them to me and they didn't have a shot.

Hmm, women willing to date a married man aren't that great? Surprises me!

In the last few months, he'd said he needed a D because he had to work out his own issues and it wasn't fair to ask me to wait because he didn't know if he'd ever want to work on us.

I'd told him that if he was done and didn't want to try, then I didn't want him to waste my time any more. He didn't like that, but I'd had enough of him trying out the single life while still being able to call on me when he wanted. I feel that any of his issues could be treated while staying married, but he disagreed.

To me, M meant that I was always there to support my H. He might make some stupid choices, but as long as he was my H, I was going to uphold my vows and be there, for better or for worse.

Now that we have a D, I can choose whether to keep H in my life and how much to accept. I can hold him to the same boundaries as all of my other friends. I don't have to answer him when he texts at midnight or answer all of his calls.

His future is no longer tied to mine.

If he wants to R, it will be on him. XH thinks that everything will still be the same. That the way I treated him was just as a friend, and not as a wife would.

The other day I was at his apt to see my SS and mentioned that I was on a dating site (one I knew about because he'd been on it a few weeks before we were divorced). He seemed shocked that I was and said he thought I planned to be single for awhile.

I told him that I wasn't going to rush into a relationship, but I wanted to see what my options were. He'd said something, and I said "good thing I'm not trying to date you then, " and his response was "you're not going to try to?".

He thought that I'd go chasing after him. I told him that the next guy I dated, him or someone else, would have to be the one chasing after me. I want someone who wants to be with me and will show me that.

I guess he thought I'd keep pining away after him, but I told him I didn't date before because I was still married, but now I'm not and I'm free to do so.

He's really confused because he'll make statements about us dating again in the future and then saying why we'd never work.

I want a family of my own, so I can't hide in my apartment forever. I need to be brave enough to see what's out there.

And if XH comes to his senses, and decides to work on us, and him? We'll see how I feel then.

[albamarie]

Sweet, thank you so much for sharing your story! I have read it over and over and hope I can be half as strong as you are if I decide to take my sitch in this direction.

You sound very strong and in a great position to call all your own shots.

I'm not pining away for my H, he thinks I'm fine, that's ok by me! I am encouraged by your story and am really ready for me again.

Like you say....it's will be on him!

Best dm

[sweetbabyred]

Dawn, thank you so much for your sweet comments.

I'm glad that I sound so strong, but sometimes I don't really feel that way.

I guess I just realized I didn't have much of an option. I could either make myself miserable thinking about what I'd lost, or work to create a better, happier life for myself.

And if I'm miserable that would most likely eliminate my chances for H or anyone else wanting to be in my life.

Some days are easier than others, but I can't think of the last time I cried uncontrollably, so it's been at least a few days.

I might tear up when I see/hear something that reminds me of the past, but I can keep it together.

[subguy]

Hiya SBR!!! I am sorry to hear that you have divorced. It is tough, I hope you are taking care of yourself.

I am also getting divorced, my XW filed in May and there is a 90 day waiting period here so... I also have some emotions but they are easing up a lot. I joined a christian 12 step program that is for anyone with a hurt, hang up or a habit. It's a great place to go and work out some of those pains. The group is called Celebrate Recovery and they are nation wide if your interested.

[sweetbabyred]

Hi Subguy,

Sorry that you're going through the same thing. We only have a 60 day period here, so I guess I was lucky H waited as long as he did before he filed.

I came to realize that XH wouldn't be able to even consider the possibility of working on us until he got the D and was able to experience exactly what it means for us to not be together.

I don't know if we will ever reconcile, but I knew that it could't happen until he lost me completely and dealt with that.

I'll look into the group you mentioned. I've been busy with work and school. I just started going to a new church and they have a group that I meet up with before the service starts each week. It feels good to have a place to go and people to talk to every week.

[sweetbabyred]

I had an interesting convo with XH today. He texted me on Mon and again on Wed to wish me a good day and both times mentioned that he missed me. I sent him quick messages back, also wishing him a good day and totally ignoring the missing me part. I hadn't heard from him in over a week, so it was odd to have two messages so soon.

Then he actually called me today, on his way to pick up SS. I spoke to him briefly, thinking it might be important, and then told him I had a paper to write and would call him back later. I did so, about 4 hours later.

He stated that it was hard for him to think of me dating other people. I wanted to laugh, since I'd been dealing with him dating people the last two years, and we were still married at the time.

I just said that it had been difficult for me to get used to also and left it at that. I think he may have actually stopped for a second to consider that and realized what I'd been through.

He said he misses talking to me, and he's still very attracted to me. Months ago this would have given me hope and, dare I say it, expectations that he might try to work on things.

I've been talking to a few people on an online dating site, and while I doubt anything will come of it, it's nice to know that there are other options out there. I know I was the better choice all along and H missed out.

It was funny because I'd mentioned that I was talking to some guys and then said something about updating my profile. He seemed shocked that I'd still have a profile up if I was chatting with guys. I told him I wasn't getting married to any of these guys right away and had no reason to stop meeting others.

Now, I haven't met any of these guys in person so it's really not serious at all, but XH is finally realizing that I don't belong to him any more.

I plan to see SS this weekend so it'll be the first time I've seen XH in weeks also. Should be interesting. I know that I'll most likely end up a little sad, but I know I'll come out okay.

I have faith that I'll end up where I need to be, as long as I keep doing what I know I need to do.

[sweetbabyred]

At least I knew it was coming. Saw XH on Sun and Mon to see SS before he went back home and it brought back all my sad feelings.

When I don't speak with or see XH for long periods of time, I occupy myself with my own stuff and feel pretty confident that I can move on.

But after spending time with him, it just comes back to me that if I'm truly honest with myself and could have the outcome of my dreams, it would be that XH would want to try again to salvage our R.

On Sun, XH's plans were a little messed up. He'd planned to leave me and SS to go to a pool, while he went with a female friend and one of his two girlfriends to another pool. Unfortunately, that pool was extremely busy, so his friend said that SS and I should stay with them.

The women had three kids with them and I knew SS would have more fun with them than just me, so I offered to let him play and I'd see him some other time. I didn't want to force SS to choose between me and other kids.

It was a little strange to see XH's gf. I know he's been talking to her since early May, at least, but at least he'd filed for D, so I guess it could be much worse. The hardest thing is that she has the same name as me and is also a pale redhead. [censored] to feel like I'm being replaced by a lesser version of me.

Her two daughters, 12 and 15-16?, are horribly behaved and his friend said that he should break up with her soon because XH won't put up with that and is just wasting her time.

All I said was that if he knew it wouldn't work, because he wanted a family and doesn't agree with her parenting style because she's a total pushover, it's better to stop things now before she gets even more attached.

I think what really hurts is that even though XH says he's not serious about the girlfriends, he's seen them this past month when he had his son with him. My SS needs XH to be a good example of how to be a man and I don't think this is it.

And I know that SS knows that something isn't quite right. His bday is next Saturday and I'd given him his gift (a lego treehouse) on Sunday just in case I don't get to go to his party. When I was there on Mon, he had an itunes gift card and was saying that he still had money on it.

I wasn't thinking and asked if he got it for his bday. He said that (my name) had given it to him and then almost seemed to backtrack and said that the legos were his favorite gift. I love that kid so much and feel bad that he knows that this isn't normal.

Ok, I'm off to work, so I'll cut this short. Ha!

[sweetbabyred]

XH is still on my mind, but I'm doing better.

Worked at a concert last night and stayed to hear Matchbox Twenty. Felt like I was back in college again.

Had to fight back a few tears when I heard "If you're gone" and then heard their new song "our song". I'd never heard it before, but the lyrics sound just like what I wish XH would say when he gets out of his fog.

"Oh no
I'll never make you cry again
I'm gonna set things right again
And I won't let 'em go wrong
This can be our song"

Today I rushed to finish up papers for one of my classes and make it to happy hour with two friends. I had a good time, but I'm still not 100%.

One more short paper to write and then I'll have three weeks off until the fall semester starts. I need to get out of this funk.

[sweetbabyred]

So it hit me this morning that I still have a special ringtone for XH on my cell. I know that I should change it, but as soon as I thought about it, I wanted to cry.

I know that I have to let him go. If we're meant to be together again it'll be on him. I know that, but it's so hard to accept.

During the last two years, I never really thought he'd go through with the D. Even after he filed, I thought he might change his mind at the last minute.

I've been talking to a few guys and might even have a date in the next week or so, but now I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.

Part of me thinks I need to move on and see what's out there because I do want a family and a relationship.

The other part of me thinks that I'm not ready and maybe I need to sit out for a few months and seriously grieve what I've lost.

But then I wonder if I'm only thinking that because I have hope/expectations that maybe XH will change his mind. I don't want to waste any more of my life hoping that he'll decide to love me and work on us.

If I want kids of my own, I can't wait forever and maybe I'm just scared to start over.

I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should have posted in "divorced, but not done" instead.

At least I've got three weeks off before my fall classes start, so if I'm going to have a mini breakdown, this would be a good time for it.