One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

I feel like I don't have the time to breath anymore. I feel though if I don't get these things posted, I'm going to forget them. This is quick and dirty and jumbled. Sorry for that.

I had a seed planting conversation, and I'm drained. I fought myself wanting to push the conversation towards him bomb dropping. I fought myself trying to get him to drop a bomb on me so I could have the excuse to be done with it all.

Things that came up:
The episodes from 2003 or so I think we can chalk up to normal bouts of depression any of us would suffer. Being away from family, marriage conflicts, work conflicts, whatever. He said they weren't lasting, and he didn't need to do anything to get over them or cope with them. He didn't experience this kind of stuff until 2010. (Okay, good!)

I told him I could relate to those kinds of depression, like he already knows, issues I had with my parents, issues with self esteem, issues I had with his parents. I told him how in the past 9 months I have resolved those issues with my parents and went into some details of the conversations I had with them. I told him that I had resolved my issues with his parents, and I apologized to him if at any point my issues/bitterness affected him or hurt him. He said, "I can't tell you if they had any affect on me. I don't know." (Whoa, what? His memory is foggy.)

Talked about depression (but that I didn't want to label what he had as depression as I felt it was much more than that.) Talked about how he displayed it both covertly and overtly. He was really agreeing with all of this. Told him how I felt like his dad had chronic depression. Talked about how depression makes one have tunnel vision, that they only see themselves. He talked about projecting. He said he doesn't feel like he did the projecting until the last few years, but knows he does it now. We've talked about this before where he projected his feelings onto me about not being able to forgive him (where he can't forgive himself) etc. He said for me to correct him if he was wrong, because he doesn't know if he did before or not.

We talked about other people, and here is where I started feeling icky, like, what does he think about me in all this? He feels like his brother married the wrong person. Feels like one of our friends who got remarried should be happy, because it was her choice and she married down, but someone more on her level. The one thing I do know is before H felt like I was on his level, intellectually or otherwise. He talked about this, bragged about this. There is no way he feels that these women he is using are on his level, but yeah they are right now. My head was spinning with questions I dare not ask.

He talked about women aging and how life choices affect that. For example our one friend is not as pretty as she could have been, due to life choices. (I think I have aged really well.) One of the women he is with I don't think has aged very well, due to hard life I'm sure. So ugh, I don't know what he is saying and I would be surprised if he does. He is after all hooking up with a 23 year old on top of a 44 year old. (That makes it sound like at the same time, but no proof of that yet. )


So timelines of going on: He went out Friday night straight from work to play games. He got home after 5am. Saturday night we had his friends over as well as him seeing OW1, and then having his melt down that I was gone when he got back. On Saturday someone mentioned that H got up from his game night and left and went for a walk, because he was upset. Someone was also annoyed at H for being on his phone the whole time too. I ask H tonight if he wanted to talk about Friday night if he was okay, and he said he didn't want to talk about it. My guess was a blow up or something with OW1. I don't know how him going over for a 15 min quickie could resolve any of that. He still seems like crap right now, but not as bad as before, when I started to notice the cycle down last week.

He leaves on this Wednesday and gets home late Friday night. The older boys have a camp out that he was supposed to take them to over Friday night. I figure he forgot when he arranged this trip. A friend of ours offered to take them, and I am going to say yes. I think I'm pushing the rock bottom. I am longing for rock bottom. H said tonight when he gets in he'll go straight from the airport to hang out with his friends. It'll be too late to go to the camp out anyway. I think that is so messed up. Life is so messed up. And I keep holding only because I've already held on so long. There are other reasons yes, but I'm getting tired.

H likely didn't fall asleep until 5am again Sunday morning. He woke up at 1230, and then back to bed. I took off with the kids and went up the canyon. H got up in time to have a couple of our old friends and new friends over that night. Everything went well. He interacts well with me, but something is up. He is still spiraling.