Today was D Day... and very sad.

[tbolddids]

Me 49, W is 40. Unable to have children (lost 2 babies in 2008 and 2010) Separated in 2011, couples counseling (after W had an affair) and reunited in fall of 2011.

July 14 2013 (yesterday) was my birthday. W has been very quiet recently with very little physical contact, spent the entire weekend together this week, had physical "relations" and suddenly this morning she walks up to me before I left for work and says... "I want a divorce, I am not in love with you any more, I love you like a family member, you are part of me, but I am not in love with you" she followed with "You have taken great care of me, been a good husband, but I want out" I countered with 2 hours of silence, followed by an "I love you" as I went out the door to work. I am Still in shock and still in that fog...

I am shell-shocked, keep me in your prayers. No kids has eliminated any glue that would have kept us together. My blind eye thought things were fine. (she was abused as a child but had been to counseling and has been on prozac for about 1 year).

Mind is racing, trying to cry, fighting anger... doing the "180" (it worked before). I am simply afraid to reach out to her and numb at the moment...unbelievably numb.

After we lost the babies (2008 and 2010) we expanded our lives together to include church, riding motorcycles, going to the gun range (yes...we live in the south), traveling (Mexico, hawaii, etc) but she began to pull away this past winter and it climaxed this morning.

I know I will be fine (with your prayers) but I simply love my wife and do not want this... God help me, right now I am just incredibly lost, sad and all ready wishing I could talk to her...

We had a great relationship at one time, no fighting, no violence (thank God), and no reason not to survive the loss of our children. I am just a guy that like stability and loves his wife.

Help... online or offline. I am in need of courage and prayer. I just got home from work and her clothes are gone...

TBDIDS

[Demoted26]

So sorry you find yourself here . I feel your pain in your words. Best of luck to you, I hope someone will help you with advice. All I can suggest is hang in there & find someone you trust to talk to & help you through this.

[tori2012]

This seems to have happened really suddenly, even though you had noticed her distancing.

First thing I'll say is, you're not alone. Read other people's threads to see what they're going through and at least you'll get a sense of community.

Second, let your feelings of sadness be. They might be intense for a while.

Third, reach out to people on this board.

Fourth, it's important for you to focus on loving yourself and on keeping your connection with God strong. Read Inspiration and There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne Dyer.

The DB book is also a great resource, as well as the coaches.

I'm praying for you.

[AnotherStander]

Sorry you're going through these difficulties, but we are here to help! Keep posting to this thread in small increments and you'll be off moderation soon.

Separated in 2011, couples counseling (after W had an affair) and reunited in fall of 2011.

Can you expand on this a bit? What were the issues that drove her into an affair? How were they addressed in counseling? If those issues had to do with you, did you fall back into old patterns after reuniting?

and suddenly this morning she walks up to me before I left for work and says... "I want a divorce, I am not in love with you any more, I love you like a family member, you are part of me, but I am not in love with you"

It seems sudden to you, but to her there are issues that have been bothering her for months or even years.

"You have taken great care of me, been a good husband, but I want out"

Something was lacking and now you have to figure out what that was and do 180's. Try to remember any complaints she's had, any needs she said weren't being met. Try to get her to talk about it now, tell her you're committed to becoming a better person no matter what happens to the M and that you would like her to tell you what went wrong so you can improve yourself. And if she tells you, don't argue!! Don't agree/ disagree/ reason/ explain/ argue. Just validate her emotions.

No kids has eliminated any glue that would have kept us together.

Plenty of us here are in your exact sitch and do have kids. Kids cannot glue together a crumbling marriage.

Mind is racing, trying to cry, fighting anger... doing the "180" (it worked before). I am simply afraid to reach out to her and numb at the moment...unbelievably numb.

Hang in there! Get an IC. If you start feeling suicidal then don't mess around, go straight to a doctor to talk about treatment options. You've been through it before so you know you WILL get better!

Have you read DR?

[tbolddids]

Thanks AnotherStander

We separated in 2011 after she had a short affair. I asked her to leave the minute I found out and she confirmed it. I executed the steps in the "180" plan, no contact, no emotion etc etc. and within two weeks she texted me and asked to meet. During this meeting we agreed to counseling and she admitted to being abused by her step-father for several years as a child. This, despite not being an excuse for an affair, is very common among people who were abuse. She also admitted to deep depression and has been taking Prozac for the last two years.

I have kept a close eye, without prying or spying, and I believe that she is not having an affair. The look in her eye and the tone of her voice is different this time. Plus we have spent a lot of time together over the last few months.

I am sticking to those 37 rules of the 180 (if I am reading them correctly), having only very limited, non-emotional contact with her.

I am confused because I want to save our marriage more than anything, but at the same time I am planning the next phase of my life without her in the back of my mind. I suspect it is a defense mechanism and intend on calling our marriage counselor for a 1 on 1 session tomorrow. I am still in a stage for the past 48 hours where I am almost "afraid" to cry, not over angry, just sad and numb while trying to figure out what to do next...

Thanks for reading my post. My offline address is [e-mail]

[tbolddids]

Thanks for your replies above. AnotherStander I sent you a reply with some answers.

She moved in with her sister yesterday and I came home to an empty closet. Today, I came home and found where she dropped off her checkbook and keys to my vehicles (pickup truck and motorcycle). Now the question is whether or not I violate the 180 and let her know a FedEx package arrived for her, or wait a few days...

Still numb, sad and trying to figure this out. Again, I ask for your prayers and ask you stay in touch. So far it is the only thing keeping me sane...