Emotional Connection and Attraction

[Accuray]

I've already told you what I wish I had dug harder for at the time- she had been in contact with the OM. The lack of emotion that your wife is displaying played out in my house too. What I came to learn is that some WAS spend an enormous amount of energy pushing their feelings down around the S - lest anything about the OM pop out. They save their feelings for the OP, not the spouse.

I don't want to send you off in a panic, but I would be looking like crazy for evidence that the A has restarted. It's like dealing with a drug addict- they can be normal off the substance, but then fog right back up after getting another taste. It seems to me that she is deciding between the two of you. Heck, it may even be a different OM, but probably not.

HopefullStill is right that the continued presence and contact with OM can account for this behavior, but in my opinion, if OM was still involved you would know, because you would feel it. I suspect that in HopefullStill's case it was those "feelings" that motivated him to keep digging and watching. In my experience, when OM is truly gone you can tell.

Here's the other things that can account for her behavior: when OM is gone, she's going to mourn the loss, and that can take quite a while, during which time she will not be emotionally available to you.

In addition, the "in love" feeling of an affair is very intoxicating, people believe that "this is how they *should* feel". When they return to a long term marriage, those feelings do not arise, and the marriage can feel "flat" by comparison, or like something is missing.

You can rekindle "loving attachment", but you should not expect to rekindle "in love", which is a distinction that is absent from Dr. Harley's writings, and which I feel is a crucial difference.

If you wife is holding onto the expectation that she should have "honeymoon feelings" throughout the course of her marriage, that is not a reasonable expectation.

Her emotional wall could also be a remaining defense in response to prior hurts. At some point during the marriage, the WAS has their hopes for the relationship crushed, and walking away is the result. It's like if you broke a bunch of bones playing football without pads, you'd be loathe to remove your pads again in the future, even if the rules of the game have changed to prevent getting hit. The memory of the pain you experienced convinces you to keep those pads on for protection, no matter what!

I don't think digging for evidence of OM is a good idea unless you have a "nagging feeling" or other reason to suspect. I would be more likely to apply patience.

WRT Marriage Builders and Dr. Harley, I spent some time there including doing telephone coaching with Steve Harley. Overall there is some great material there, some of it is contradictory to DB, but most is consistent. Blending the two approaches can't hurt.

The major issue I have with it is the prescription that you do everything for your spouse and expect nothing in return *for years*. If their approach isn't working in making your spouse for back "in love" with you, their prescription is always to wait longer. With that approach, their method will never fail, because it will either succeed, or they can claim the person didn't follow it through or gave up.

We have one life to live. I had a friend who felt like he had heartburn and six weeks later was dead from esophageal cancer. I do not believe you should stay in a marriage that is making you feel tortured and unhappy for years and years. I think in a situation like yours where your wife claims to want to make it work and claims to want to engage with you, at some point you need to start getting your needs met, or you need to leave.

Acc