Still...mana mana, doo doo doo doo doo! Part 3

[Tallula]

Had a really great weekend! Had nieces party friday night. It did make me really sad that H wasn't there. He loves our neice so much and it kills him that he hasn't seen her in so long. He was calling me all day friday about what to get her and make sure that I spoil her. While I do agree that he is dealing with the consequences of his actions, it really will be tricky navigating this. My friend, who was very angry at H, said it best. "No matter how I feel, I just don't understand anyone making it so hard for you. He is back, deal with it. Support you."

Forgiveness. Who do I want to be?

The whole time H and I were separated my family had opinions on how they thought I was "making it too easy" on H. Being too friendly and nice. I just kept thinking, WHY?!? Why would I punish the father of my children? Why would I poison that relationship? Does someone's actions dictate how I act? No. At my core, I treat people with dignity and respect. This does not mean to take abuse and have no boundaries, but at the core I see where I have found it so difficult to navigate boundaries and relationships. My family just brings you in, loves you. You cross someone or upset them...avoidance, cut them off. One of my mom's closet friends for years upset my mom like 8 years ago over something she said about my brother. My mom never talked to her about it, avoided it, grew resentful and their relationship is totally strained. Like bad strained. The tension is horrible. Many relationships have been affected. It started small, and now it's ruined a friendship. Because of fear. Fear and holding on to justifiable resentment.

Confrontation scares the bejesus out of me. Has for as long as I can remember. But today, I must say my truth and let people have theirs. Fear. Fear is the guiding force. What will they say? What will they think of me? Can I accept that they see it different and know that that does not diminish my truth? Ah, there it is. In the conversation with my mom, she just kept saying over and over "We have a right to feel how we feel, right? Don't you agree?" I said they can feel how they feel. It is true. If I had run around telling everyone who could listen what a DB my H is and badmouthing he and OW all around...I would have had a right to do that...yes? At a minimum everyone would understand it. I could have burned his clothes, threw him out, made it difficult to see his kids, refused to go to school concerts together, demanded them on certain holidays. I would have had a RIGHT to it. Yep, a right. And anger fueled, I punish you RIGHT!!

I don't really know where I am going with this, just things that have been rattling around my head. I just need some space from my family. They are going to blame H, but it isn't him. I'm not going to choose. IC said to say to invites "Yes, I'll come, but H is coming too." It that uninvites me, it does. REgardless if we stay married, he will always be a huge part of my life. I want joint bday parties and as intact together of a family as I can for my kids. If they can't do that for me, then they can't. I won't ask them to be anyone they aren't. But, everyone has to deal with the fact that I'm done trying to make everyone happy. I can only control me. That's it. You want to stay resentful, that's your choice. But I don't have to make things ok for everyone. This is messy. Life is messy. And for the first time in my life, I'm not going to clean it up.

It stormed really bad one day last week while I was making dinner. Just pouring and it was sunny. I grabbed S4 and ran out to play in it. H grabbed D2 and ran after us. There we are the 4, well 5, of us dancing and splashing in the rain. Enjoying a moment of pure joy!! Looking for the rainbows to come out. The yard was flooded, which meant the basement was probably taking in water. But we played for an hour. This is how I am approaching my life. We were muddy and wet and joyous. And it was perfect in it's imperfection.