B, you haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to navigate a situation that you've never been in before and it keeps changing. I understand the need to cease communications. You need distance so you can accept what's happened, stabilize emotionally and start to heal. I don't know if that decision made my situation better or worse. I just knew I had to do it for my sanity.
I'm glad you have a place to go that soothes your soul. I, too, gravitate to the ocean. I've spent a lot of time there, lost in my thoughts, crying and trying to deal with the pain that has felt unsurvivable. I would go every day if I could.
At this point, focus on saving yourself. Your marriage may be salvageable in the future, but not right now. For what it's worth, I made a decision early on that if I could not be kind and loving then I would remain silent. That decision kept things from escalating. I didn't allow myself to get dragged into interactions that I knew I couldn't handle well. I had to stop DBing or actively pursuing my xh in any way. That decision was right for me. My xh has gone on to make one bad decision after another and he can no longer blame me. I'm staying quiet in the background while taking good care of myself and my boys and living honorably.
I understand the cycling feelings. I still have them. I accept that my xh is a very troubled person and not someone I want in my life, but I remember who he was and pray for the return of that person. I'm not actively doing anything, but I do hold onto images of the four of us together in the future. These visions were not something that I created. They came at odd times, not in a dream state. They are beautiful and give me peace.
B, I believe in keeping your heart open and not allowing your mind to sabotage goodwill. It takes practice, but it brings peace and keeps things simple. Take time throughout the day to quiet your mind and breath deeply. Take it a day at a time, caring for yourself and committing to do your very best.
