I lost my identity sometimes I feel like it was taken from me: a husband and a father to a family and married 23 years. Perfectionism?? look at me married for 23 years... Why was this important to me? Why did I not value myself enough to have my own identity?!?!
Don't beat yourself up over it, I know I can relate to your feelings and I'm sure others can too. When you're with someone over 2 decades, well you do become codependent on them just as they do on you. That becomes your identity. We give up a lot to become spouses and parents. We willingly surrender a lot of our independence. That's not a bad thing, it's just what marriage is all about in my opinion. So when the rug gets ripped out from under us at BD, we're left spinning, no longer knowing who we are. We don't just lose our spouse, we lose our identity. For most of us it's an identity that we thought we would have for life. But that's where DB'ing comes in- when you get out and GAL and focus on yourself and your kids rather than your W you redefine yourself. Your W wasn't attracted to you originally because you were a husband. She was probably attracted to you because you were your own person- strong, independent, loving life. You just have to find that guy again. He's still there! I found that guy in me, and now I'm happier and more content than I've been in many years.
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This is where I am in a nutshell right now, well at least one struggle I have. Finding me and what is important to me and then living that life to the fullest. I encourage my children to reach for the stars and go for their dreams and yet here I sit... What am I teaching them through my actions?
It's hard to let go of the old identity. I think a lot of us feel that if we let go of "husband" and find our old independent self again that it will kill our chances of reconciliation. But as long as we cling to that spouse identity we cling to our spouse too, and our spouse perceives that clinginess and finds it unattractive. So we have to let go, not just for ourselves, but (ironically) for any chance at reconciliation too.
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These are the kind of thoughts I am dealing with, I question myself almost daily on who I am.
I know what you mean. I went through the same struggles. In the end I decided I didn't need a profile of who I am, because that changes depending on the circumstances (at work I'm one person, with the kids another, with my biker buddies another, etc.) The way I see it now, I am just a guy plugging through this thing called life doing good, bad, right and wrong things. I do the best I can and that is good enough to excuse my shortfalls.
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I put a lot of life dreams on hold because I thought that was the grown up thing to do, you know fall on the sword for my family.
Learn a lesson from that. While sacrificing yourself may seem noble, our ultimate pursuit should be to enjoy life! Because if we enjoy life, that trickles down to everyone around us. If you sacrifice too much and you're unhappy/ unfulfilled because of it, that too trickles down to everyone around you. So get out and have some fun, enjoy life. Quit taking yourself so seriously
