Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[BRNR]

Thank you AJ and GM.

I have re-read both your post over and over again the past couple of days. What you both have said needs to really sink in. Really.

I no longer see my true H peeking anymore. I think he is forever gone, and I have to accept that. I have to accept that my marriage has long been over, and I have to accept that I will never get it back.

AJ- you are right. I cannot be responsible for H's happiness or unhappiness. While he seems content with the status quo, I do not feel he is truly happy. At this time, I can't truly say that I wish him happiness. This is not to be mean, but because I feel it would be at the total destruction of others that he obtained it. That is sad, and makes me angry somewhat. Not angry at him per se, but angry that a human being could do that to another. This shows he is NOT the man I married.

I still don't know what I want for my future. Right now, I can only see as far as a week in advance.

GM-My H really did throw a good life away, a good family, and a good marriage. I too like you knew that once the children were grown it would be H and I, ride or die. It seems he didn't want to wait for that time to come. I am a good woman, and deserve someone to accept that I am who I am.

My AD/anxiety meds that the doc put me on are working pretty good. I have been on them for a week now and seem to be adjusting okay. I go back to the doc in a couple of weeks and will ask if he can up the dosage just slightly, because the mere sight of my H sends me into severe anxiety.

I am trying to disappear in H's life. I haven't responded to any texts from him (even if they are about the children or money), and I no longer interact with him during kid exchange. He wanted me gone, and I need to be just that...gone. Besides, I think it is best for me too. I feel it will keep me from being roped into his drama. I know this goes against all DB principles, because I am supposed to try and make small interactions with H and make them light and pleasant. I did that, and it got me no where except more hurt, more angry, and seemed to cause more problems.

I have harbored on my feelings on hope for quite awhile. Things do seem hopeless at this point. I am not dwelling in it though, just facing reality. Besides, even if my H said he wanted to R, I can't even see how I would emotionally make that work. I don't trust him. He turned into such a liar that I am at the point I can't believe anything he says.

I went to the beach over the weekend and stared out into the ocean and listened to the crashing of the waves. It was a head clearer for sure. Sort of my refuge of serenity and peace. Iw ill try to go as often as I can, but it is not that easy...the beach is an hour away, and really only feasible during warmer climate.

I hope that at some point H and I can talk. About what? About many things...our demise of our R, the children, his life, my life. I know that is not likely, but that is what I hope for at this moment.

Sorry to ramble. I have a lot of things I feel, and no where to release them but here.

So trying to focus on me and the boys, but don't know how. I think I have been doing this mostly, but during my alone time, H creeps into my mind and consumes me for those moments.

Any advice on what to do next? What should I be trying to do for me? For my boys? For my marriage? I feel like I have done everything wrong up until this point, and want to get on track to doing what is right.

Maybe some whacks with 2x4's is what is needed, IDK. I just feel so...off.