Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

[dorightman]

Imo operating from a fear of being divorced will not work.

I agree.

Out of fear, i think, you are desperate to know what to say and do, and it feels unnatural and forced, because it doesnt come from a place of confidence within you, that you have done your work, you know what is right for you, and let the chips fall where they may.


I think I have done alot of work, but it doesn't appease the sadness I feel at times. I don't want a D with every cell in my body. I love my W and family and want us all to heal.

I understand why my W wants a D, but I don't understand it at the same time. I'am not the type of person to ever put D on the table unless of very extreme circumstances.

The fact is that W and I never communicated properly with each other from the start. And being threatened with D is no way to work through problems or to make your S feel safe.

I could write a book about all the ways I messed up and I could probably do the same for my W. What good is it going to do now. Everytime I try to rationalize or understand this stuff, I get emotional because it hurts and I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall and that hurts more because there's no forgiveness here. It's a dark, lonely, sad. frustrating cold place to be.

I feel dragged through all of this. I did make mistakes, I did react out of anger and frustration a few times, I can't tell you whats normal or not, all I can say is that I never ever hurt anyone and I was just letting my steam out.

People need to be able to feel safe to be emotional with their partners without being punished for it. I frightened W by having feelings. I was judged by W and she was terrified of my emotions.

I need to be with someone who accepts the best and worst of me. I need someone to be in the fire with me.

Has anyone here heard of Hostile Dependency?

I didn't know it wasn't ok to say mean things to my S in the middle of a fight, I didn't know it wasn't alright to cry in front of my S.

OK, so now I know and now I have to pay the price with D. I have been doing alot of work on myself. I have not reacted in any of the ways I did in the past for the last few months. The worst thing I did was move back into my house without telling my W because I couldn't afford the rent of my apt, and it was a last minute thing because I had to leave town to work.

I'am emotional right now, so my writing/thinking may not be the most rational.
I'am also not that great at writing out my thoughts.

Before you get your w back, youve got work to do on you, and you cant expect your w to wait for that with no guarantees. You just need to get started and fix your own issues, yesterday.

I will continue to do work on me, can't afford therapy anymore, spent thousands on it, mine and W's. Will continue to read books, think about things, hang out here with you good people.
I don't expect my W to wait for me, why would I after all of this? My sister says there's two types of people in this world. Stick with it people and the others who run.
All I've wanted from the start of this is to work through our problems together and all my W's wanted from the start of this is to get a D. She says she worked on the M and I didn't in the past and now it's too late! (Were still alive aren't we?)

I understand how she feels like she tried over a long period of time to fix our R and I didn't want to at that time. Then when she gave up and wanted a D, that's when I woke up and wanted to do the work. Sounds simple and status quo, but there's alot more to the story then that.

By the way, there's no guarantees in life. We all want control, control helps us to quell the fear inside. The greater the fear, the more control we want.

Are you getting counseling? Why are you making excuses even now for the behavior that frightened your w?

Taking a break from therapy for the moment. If things get really tough, and I think they will if I actually have to deal with getting a D, selling the house,etc. I will go back.
I'am not making excuses for my behavior that frightened my W. I regret anything I did that scared her in the past and I have learned that she is not capable of handling my emotions in a fight. She is very capable of dishing it out, but not of receiving it back. If you could hear the things she is capable of saying to me, she has said some of the most painful things to me and I had to learn how to listen to her say these things without reacting emotionally. " I want a D, I don't love you, I want to sleep with another man, I want intimacy, just not with you, I don't care how much work you do on yourself, I don't want you anymore, now or in the future.....................................................................
Last fall when we had our big fights, it was her that lashed out towards me physically, not me. I tried to hug her to calm her down while she grabbed my throat, kicked me, punched me, hid under the covers of our bed when I tried to talk to her, covered her ears to not listen. And then filed a police report on me accusing me of who knows what. All I was trying to do was talk to her and show her that she had nothing to be afraid of, that I loved her and she was safe.
It all felt like an acting job by her to get me out of the house.

Yes Bond, I did throw a coffee cup to the floor, I did cry and I did punch a pillow on my bed and I did ask her to smell my armpit because she was harassing me in my house while I was doing my own thing, trying to stay away from her and she was antagonizing me, blah blah blah. Yes I messed up, yes I shouldn't have reacted. That is the worst I have done to her. How long are you going to punish me for? How long is she going to punish me for? How long am I going to take it? What good does any of this do? Once we recognize our mistakes, our faults, our shortcomings, what good does this repetitive punishment do?

Its ok to understand why, and even forgive yourself, but if you think it was acceptable due to the circumstances, or if you think you will be able to do better in the future without any outside serious help, then im not sure how you could put yourself in her shoes and see a future with you as a viable option. What are you doing about that?

I do forgive myself and I do forgive my W. I don't think any of this behavior is acceptable due to the circumstances, but it happened and we can't change the past. All we can do is try to learn from it. I believe we choose our partners for mutual healing and in order to do that we must push each other to the edge.

I think I will be able to do better in the future with all that I've learned so far, and I will continue therapy when I can afford it again. I don't expect my W to see a future with me as a viable option because she doesn't. As she says, it takes two to make a R work and if I don't want to do the work with you, it's over.

I know I can't control her, she has to want to do the work, but she doesn't want to because she feels she has already done the work and gave me the chances and now it's too late! That's her story from the start, hasn't changed in two years and doesn't look like it's going to change.
I want to do the work, I want to make her happy, I want to keep my family together, I want to overcome fear with love, I want, I want, I want......

As Bond keeps telling me, It doesn't matter what I want or feel.

SO, without staying in the negative and trying to balance with the positive.
I understand that it will take alot more time for W to recover from all of this BS.
I understand that I cannot control her, only myself.
I understand that if she wants a D, she will get it.
I understand that I have to be happy no matter what.
I understand that I have to make the best of whatever situation I'm in.
I understand that I have to take care of me and my kids.

That is some of the work I have done this year.

W has not brought up mediation or D in the past few days, but continues to treat me like her neighbor. She still is not interested in reading any of the books I suggested she read about love. It looks like she is just passing time until she gets what she wants. I'am being the best dad and husband possible.
I'm not sure if she's going to move out at the end of this month and rent a 3 bedroom apt that neither of us can afford.

Should I ask her what her plans are or should I just continue to live in limbo?

Thanks Advina, labug, and Bond. I appreciate your time and input so much!