Saying "I love you"?

[mtb1981]

Update: On the 4th of July, W tells me that she wants to get a place together. So we are currently looking for a new place around here. She still plans on keeping the job 2 hours away and driving back and forth. I asked her why she wanted to keep the job bc it really doesn't pay well enough to justify that much driving. She says she feels like she owes it to her boss bc he gave her the job in a time of need to help her out. I validated but also expained that he would probably undertand that she wanted to be with her family again and would respect that. Then it occurred to me that the job is now the back up plan. She doesn't want to quit in case things between us don't work out so she can go back. I briught this up to her and she said that there was some truth to that and asked me if it made me mad. I told her that it did not make me mad, validated her feelings, and said that it upset me a little that she didn't trust that things would be OK. But that I totally understood where she was coming from. I asked her to be more open with me and to let me now what she wanted in our relationship so I could know what to do to get rid of her doubts. She said she didn't know what she wanted, that it was late, and he didn't want to talk about it anymore. (She has always had a tendency to avoid talking about problems, especially dealing with us. It's easier for her to look the other way and pretend like they will go away on their own.) i have tried workin on this with her and telling her that if we worked together on solving the problems, they will go away, but if we ignore them, they will pile up. I could tell she was getting agitated. So I told her to talk to me about it when she was ready, and that seemed to make her more mad. "What does that mean? Talk about it when I'm ready" i told her it meant just that. If now wasn't a good time, to find me when she thought it was a good time and we could talk about it then. She thought that I meant it in a snotty, sarcastic way. i was sincere when I said it and I said it in a peaceful tone. She is not good at having discussions. She views everything as an attack and gets defensive. I think that we had fought so much in the past that she is still in that mode when dealing with me. I hope she will see that I have no fight left in me. That I may not agree with her at times, but I refuse to fight about it. Hopefully I keep it up and it starts to rub off on her.