Laying down my heart and feeling the power

[RosaLinda]

Thanks Bright. I know he's going to have a wonderful, eyeopening experience, of how people live in another part of the world. I hope his eyes will also be opened to RT's true motivations and character. She might meet his needs though. I hope not, and hope he'll miss me and our life together. Time will tell.

[uRworthy]

House of cards, L, house of cards

[ForeverYoung]

She might meet his needs though.

For how long Linda? How long?

H may be in a fog, but you're not.

Stay strong girl!

[reachingHigher]

LindaM, I looked over your last few posts here and I thought again about how hard it must be to have the MLCer at home. You have to see the fact he gets the text and is gone. I only had to see what my H chose for me to see.

There is so much I'm glad I didn't have to see, although having him leave was so very, very painful. I was so sure he would never ever come back. I knew that he had been unhappy for at least five years and had told me if he had the opportunity he would have already hooked up with someone else. He told me he wished I would find someone else who could treat me right.

It's all such depression for them. I look back and think he didn't even know what he was saying or doing and he is a grown man.

LindaM, your H isn't acting like the H you know. But one day he will come out of this fog. And like uRw said, you will get to choose if you want to stay with him or not.

And like FY said, stay strong girl!
Thinking of you,
rH

[Mtnman]

He told me he wished I would find someone else who could treat me right.
rH

W said as much in an email last week. "You deserve to move on and find someone special to love you like you deserve."

It's comical in a way. I'm convinced she didn't mean it, and likely doesn't remember saying it. They're hurting so bad.

[reachingHigher]

I have had a lot of people call me crazy for sticking out this out, including my own MIL. Looking forward to being seen as a heroine once H de-fogs himself!

I've had the same sentiments of people thinking I'm crazy/wrong for staying also. So far, I haven't noticed any applause almongst friends or family for staying.

For H's friends, family & supporters, he looks like the hero for swallowing his pride and coming back. For my family, friends and supporters, they have lost a lot of respect and tolerate him coming back.

There's a lot of steadfastness the one staying and waiting has to have. Looks like there may be no reward at the end except for the actual event we stayed for: a new and awesome M. That's something no one can participate in but us and no one outside the two of you will ever know the agony you each struggled with.

But it's a sweet reward in the end if you have stayed true to yourself. And I know you have it in you, Linda, to be strong and persevering. As well as fun, lovely and loving. And responsible. And interesting. And on and on....

Of course, if your MIL may be supportive and give you some accolades. But I wouldn't count on it. But on this forum you have lots and lots of friends who will be, and are, your biggest cheerleaders.

[RosaLinda]

Hmmmfff, rH, "So far, I haven't noticed any applause almongst friends or family for staying. For H's friends, family & supporters, he looks like the hero for swallowing his pride and coming back. For my family, friends and supporters, they have lost a lot of respect and tolerate him coming back." I guess this is human nature, and just one more thing we Standers (I like that term better than LBS) have to swallow, but YOU should be the hero here, for taking him back after what he put you thru, NOT him. Just saying....

"There is so much I'm glad I didn't have to see, although having him leave was so very, very painful. I was so sure he would never ever come back. I knew that he had been unhappy for at least five years and had told me if he had the opportunity he would have already hooked up with someone else. He told me he wished I would find someone else who could treat me right.

It's all such depression for them. I look back and think he didn't even know what he was saying or doing and he is a grown man.

LindaM, your H isn't acting like the H you know. But one day he will come out of this fog. And like uRw said, you will get to choose if you want to stay with him or not."

I think that no matter how hard it is to have to live with H, it would break my heart worse if he left. I give you so much credit for how well you got thru it, rH. I guess both sitches have good and bad points. Besides the nastiness and having to see him make a fool of himself over that Tramp, I do get a lot of kindness from him.

H has told that same thing, that he wishes I could find someone who would love me like he realizes he cannot, like I deserve to be loved. This is probably just more MLC bull sh!t, part 27 of their script. I wonder who wrote that script, and it is distributed to almost every MLCer. How do they all know to follow it so well? That is just amazing to me. That they all say the exact same things.

I alternate between being certain that my H will come of out his fog, and that he will love me again when he does, and between being certain that he won't. I think it's because he went thru that whole replay thing, then seemed to be in withdrawal for a year, and now is back in replay. Holy crap, what if he cycles thru these stages forever? If he gets still another OW when RT dumps him? Then another....

I think rH, that if that seems to be happening, I will have to give him an ultimatum. I think even Chuck will agree to that. But like uR says, that's getting ahead of myself I don't know why I even entertain all these stupid thoughts, but it helps me to post them here, then dump them out of my brain.

You are a dear woman. Thank you for your support and help!

[complicated]

Linda,
My mil also said she doesn't understand how I can want to try and forgive him and still try to make it work. I think mil is hurt that her son could do something like that. I think somehow they think it is a reflection on them. I told her I married him for better or worse and this is the "worse" part.

I think someone on another thread said something like when they are living with OW they see what they are really like and the grass may not be as green as they thought.

I think your h may see that with RT. Not only her but the surroundings there. In one month RT's true colors are bound to show and hopefully he'll be anxiously waiting for his return flight to see you. I have a feeling she's going to be real pushy.

[Portia]

Hi Linda,

Whew! Catching up and it sounds like you have started to calm your thoughts a bit.

I am very excited for your trip to England. Love, love travelling and England is a great choice for a first trip overseas. I think its awesome that H will have to think of you having a great time while he is in Russia. The standards of living are no where near the same!

uR is giving you some great advice. I read some of her posts on detaching that are spot on. And if it helps you to remember, the phrase is actually "detach with love" not "lovingly detach" I am ACOA, so the phrase was drilled into us. The reason the phrase is "detach with love" is because "lovingly detach" is actually the opposite of what we should be doing. To lovingly detach implies to act lovingly which can sometimes translate into enabling, codependency or pressuring the person in crisis to act because we are trying to save them with our love. To detach with love is to let that person live by their choices and to let the natural consequences of those choices flow through. We still love them, but we do not coddle them. If they do not make it up to the bed, we leave them where they land. Our hearts hate to do it, but they must learn.

H has told that same thing, that he wishes I could find someone who would love me like he realizes he cannot, like I deserve to be loved. This is probably just more MLC bull sh!t, part 27 of their script. I wonder who wrote that script, and it is distributed to almost every MLCer. How do they all know to follow it so well? That is just amazing to me. That they all say the exact same things.

The MLC script is so the same. Have you read the MLC for Dummies? I can't remember if it is posted on this site, but it was authored by a woman from another site. It is sooo true! And gives a light hearted look at MLC from the perspective of the MLCer. Worth a read!

Stay strong, Linda-girl!

[uRworthy]

Hi Linda, I hope you dont mind, but, I care so much about you, so I brought this over here.

I saw on Wonka's thread that you invited your h to the concert and he said no.

I'd like to see you not do that right now as he is making it clear that it isnt something he wants to do at the moment. Doesnt mean it will always be that way, just that it is now. It's important to do what works and stop what doesnt, right?

Sweetie, it is pressure and pursuing to them. I know it's hard and doesnt make sense.

That is why detaching so very important. It allows you to act without regard to his actions or reactions.

Next time, get tickets, ask a friend and just go. Live your life, sweetie.

I wrote this to someone on here. Hope it helps in some way. Take what you can from it, leave the rest, ok?

When you keep on doing the things you do, you are invalidating his feelings. You are telling him, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesn’t matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.

I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you don’t. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they won’t go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to get them off.

But when you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you don’t want to be married, you don’t know how you feel, etc. I hear you.

Remember, you don’t have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.

When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space - you heard them.

You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words or the thoughts of your actions, because that is what it is to them at this point.

When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.

When you make the changes, it gives you the opportunity to become who you want to be. It gives you the chance to decide what it is you really want.

You want him to come to you because he has worked through his stuff and has realized he wants you. And because he has seen a woman with dignity and courage and strength, who gave him the greatest gift she could, cherishing him enough to let him go.

Remember worrying has no affect on the outcome, but, letting go, moving forward and making changes can.

Hugs, my friend.