Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[adinva]

When i mostly popped in here to report on relevant interactions w h and how i felt about them, i wd get responses that i was too focused on him and what was i doing for me. When i posted what-all i was doing i would get responses that i was doing too much and should do things differently. I got frustrated trying to honor and absorb all the varied advice so i took a long break and focused more on other peoples sitches when in db. That helped me to refocus and stop looking here so much for approval. I post infrequently now but try to keep an occasional log.

This weekend combined a girl cousins getaway at the beach with a lax tournament in baltimore for s15. H took over the kids friday, took the day off work to get s13 to and from his camp, got s15s allergy shot, and planned departure around s15s friends birthday dinner. H booked their hotel room for two nights. Kind of a taste of my day2day life. I took off friday morning and enjoyed the solitude. Had hours at the beach to put in some work time and shop and explore while the cousins battled beach traffic until 8pm.

The next day i drove 90 minutes each way to the tourament from 9 to 3 and got back to the beach for my turn as chef. Over the course of hours of conversation my secret came out that h and i are separated. One cousin i had told before but the other two who i havent been as close to, this is the first they heard. They were shocked and sad and told me im still their family (these are all h's side of the family).

The one im closest to, who is my age, i met when h and i were dating i flew with him to california and met about 100 of his relatives who had gathered for a reunion of h's mothers high school class. This cousin and i talked about how clearly we remembered meeting back then and how much we liked each other right off the bat. She told me that way back then she and the other girl cousins talked about how much they liked me and that it was strange that i looked like i adored h and he hardly paid any attention to me. They said too bad thats not gonna last. She said they were surprised when we got married, a few years later. Weird to hear that!

We talked about issues we've all shared with my mil being passive aggressive and confused, and i learned more about their moms, my mil's sisters. They're all frustrating in different ways. We spent s fair amount of time talking about h and what hes doing now and whether he might be depressed or mlc. But not the whole time. We also talked about our philosophies of life and things weve learned about the importance of intentionally enjoying what youve got right in front of you. They all had their own stories to share. I had worried bringing up my news wiuld cast a damper but i dont think it overwhelmed the weekend. We had wine coolers and watched movies and sang, i played the guitar and one cousin played hers too. That was my first attempt at really trying to entertain people on my own, playing and singing. I was good enough. And had fun!

The lacrosse tournament was great. I was happy to make the drive, four times in two days. Through farmland and over numerous bridges, with a full stock of podcasts, i was having a blast. My friends at the games were fun as always to shoot the breeze for hours during and between the games all day. S15 got some goals and we had a respectable 3 wins 2 losses, with a fantastic final win pulled out of a hat against a team that was expecting to win. So fun! The boys piled on the field in sheer joy at the end.

This was the longest ive been around h since december. It was fine. He didnt hover around me, and the other parents were friendly to him. He went above and beyond doing the super guy routine that he does. He brought his own cooler of ice tea and sodas and kept coming around serving people , which was over the top nice. Part of his pattern. People liked how thoughtful he was.

He let s13 stay in the hotel all day saturday with money to go across the street to the mall for food or a movie. I would not have made that decision but i didnt give it much thought since h was "on" and i was "off" duty. They went to a movie that night while s15 hung out with his friends at the hotel, and they slept in through the 9am game on sunday, sendin s15 over with his friends family. S15 actually came up and said hi to me after the early game, which was sweet, out of character fo him currently. I think he was pleased i was at his tournament like i always am.

H and s13 arrived and hung with us in our tent city for the two hour wait before the final game. S13 seemed content with his gameboy and even sat in the team section. Being "allergic" to sporting events this was a first for this season.

Only two weird moments. My friend referred to h as my x husband in a conversation with just me, and i corrected her, "husband -we're still married". It was a knee jerk reaction, in hindsight i think i wd let it slide, idk. It was just the very first time ive heard that word in connection with my h. Was a little weird.

I felt a little disloyal to h after an evening spilling my guts to his cousins. They were so very sympathetic to me and i tried to keep as objective as possible and not seem like i was requiring anyone to take sides. I tried to show compassion for how difficult this must b for him too. But even when i tried to be fair i felt like that just renewed their enthusiasm to support me. I felt like i should leave h's family for him, but the girlpower was too tempting and i really want to maintain these friendships. I dont feel like this is a black and white, good vs evil situation but i do think my story the way i tell it lends itself to people feeling sympathetic toward me. I try to not paint h as a bad guy. I know that for him looking like a good guy is extremely important. Its hard to reconcile that with what happened, but i at least try not to exaggerate or play the victim. Hard.

The other moment was in todays game 2. I sat with s13 between me and h and asked s13 to hand me a piece of ice from the cooler. He did, and then another, as a joke, and was getting ready to hand me a third over my laughing protest and h told him "dont be a jerk". I said, "NO. That is not true, stop it." Quietly but firmly. But s13 said what? What did he say? Stop what? (Argh.) i felt a little out of line, borderline, being so ready to step in and stop verbal abuse. I said oh brother if you didnt even hear then its nothing. Lets drop it. Nevermind. S13 would NOT let it go. I was frustrated because telling him dad said dont be a jerk and i was warning him that we dont talk like that and he isnt a jek and its not an appropriate way to describe behavior that h objected to.... Would be making things worse not better. I said please lets drop it nevermind. And after a while s13 let it go. I need to find the balance of when its necessary to step in, i was too on-guard because its so rare im around h anymore. Oh well, learning for next time. Incidentally i had thought about calling h and putting him on notice that when he had the kids overnight this weekend he should not put his hands on them again. That i was appalled on the march trip and it was not ok. I decided not to make a special call to make it a big deal, and we had no conversations beforehand where i might have slipped it in. Decided since i already spoke to s15 about it in march, that it was really immature and annoying and that it would b ok for him to tell dad knock it off, i needd to just trust the boys would work it out with their dad and b fine. Judging from the tone at the games i think h behaved and they got along.

After the final game i planned to take advatage off my afternoon off duty and take my time coming home, maybe shopping. But s15 came and asked if he could ride with me so he could stretch his legs and lie down in the back of the van. I was tempted to insist on the plan and said but dad was taking you both back home, but with one please, i agreed. S15 told h the same, that he needed the space in the van for his legs. S13 readily agreed that he preferred not to ride with a sweaty teenager, and h said fine.

(Then h got all involved with s15"s feet. "Take off your socks they look wet. Why are you putting on those shoes? You can ride barefoot, etc " i said to s15, YOU decide. What you want to wear in the car is your choice," and i got in the driver seat. Again still torn between establishing new precedents or choosing battles, erring on the side of establishing new precedents. Worried about nitpicking h tho. Will settle in eventually though, it is a learning process im going through.)

Odd thing is, though, s15 rode the whole way home scrunched up in the front passenger seat. I love that kid.

H told me at the game that he has a week of vaca to burn and is thinking of getting a lake house and bringing his friend and his friends boat. Just like the march trip to busch gardens, im not clear on whether i was being invited to go or not. Im not sure h was clear on that either. I think he is vague on purpose, waiting for me to interpret and take action. It is frustratingly vague. Also it is mid july, if he is trying to plan something he needs to get started. S15 has a busy social life and s13 has three camps on the calendar. It sounded like h is in kicking ideas around stage. I think i would pass, miss the kids terribly and feel lost home working while theyre away, but not ready to lend my presence to a lake house with h and the friend he is living with and be expected to act like nothings changed. The beach trip with those two the month after BD was really hard, though i have come a long way since then. I dont know. I will wait to hear more solid plans. I was hoping to get the boys to myrtle beach this summer even just for s weekend, but havent figured out yet if we can swing that.

Final note, around midnight saturday h texted me "excuse me" and a while later "excuse me" and a while later "sorry that was for s13. I farted." I didnt notice the first two and ignored the third. Real mature.

So that's my update.