Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[AJM]

GM speaks wisdom, BRNR. Might want to re-read that

Too much thinking on my part.

Afraid so. But you should know by now that the thinking and feeling down kind of goes together and doesn't last very long. It's pretty easy to see how messed up he is, no?

I'm sure like a lot of us, you got that confusion about what they want to do only to find out later they were already seeing OP, or sleeping around, or whatever. What that is, is the indication they wanted out but didn't quite know why and didn't like what they saw in themselves. Enter the stage of blaming you for their unhappiness and feeling they "deserved" to be happy. That's called depression and whether situational or otherwise, it has nasty tentacles into everyone's lives affected. It's not something you can do much about except recognize it. It's his story in his head, and you weren't asked to contribute to it, right? Not your trip.

Along the way, if you listen openly, you'll hear the fears, the paranoia, the disappointment, and the anger. Don't judge. It could have just as easily been you, right? Not saying you're that type, but we're all human beings and subject to the same problems. We're imperfect. Your spouse will use that imperfection to "build" their story and "justify" in their own head what their choices are. And they won't understand when you no longer accept that. They'll accuse of whatever will get a rise out of you. And like all good lies, there will be a grain of truth in their disproportionate lie. That's human nature in my view.

The kids. Yep, they see things as they are and they figure it out pretty quickly. Mine the other day was mentioning how his mom texts him incessantly when he's with me. His response? "I love ya mom, but sometimes I need a break from loving you. I may have to go to the bathroom or something." I about died laughing and applauded his nice way of handling her without being mean or spiteful. He loves his parents, but also needs to grow up and figure things out for himself, such as how to handle his mom. (I discourage him from talking bad about her and don't do that either; I think he deserves to have both parents in his life even if I disagree with one of them; he'll figure out what he is going to be regardless).

Your H's unhappiness or happiness is his responsibility. You can't help him there. Him throwing away a good marriage is also his to live with. He may or may not have to deal with that in his lifetime. Personally I hope my ex is happy and finds peace. I can't imagine how tiring it is to keep up with that amount of lies and paranoia. Can you imagine how paranoid she must be with the OM? She married him, but stated to me that she believes marriage is just a piece of paper (who hasn't heard that, right?) Kind of makes you uneasy if you think about it. I'm sure it's no picnic for the MLCr just as it is not for those left behind.

Your friends, family, and kids will see through long before he does. And likely before you do, but not by much

Something to consider.

Peace,
AJ