One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

I think it was actually a very good thing to happen. To hear him break down like that is still shocking me. As much as I know and think I know what this is, there is always doubts. There is always doubts that he doesn't love me, never did, and doesn't matter if I leave. That voicemail...it was this muffled, crying, hyperventilating "f, f, f I'm f'ing stupid. Oh 'raine.'"

It's better that I know. Otherwise I will always think he is. He didn't come in until 5am a few nights ago and I would have been spinning thinking he was with one, and he wasn't. It stops me from doing things like persuing him. The pattern is getting to the point I can recognize it. He needs to do something alone and he will always call me after. He called me to check on what we needed at the store and talked to me for 5+ minutes. I answered that call. I think he does that to check me and make sure he is in the clear. So to feel in the clear and come home and see me gone must have really upset him.

I gotta write more later. More stuff has happened from a few nights ago I need to go back and post about.

Thank you so much T,T,U,R,L,W. I could never get through this without your support. I made it through last night because of your posts. Hugs my beautiful friends!