Hey CV. I'm on the road a buch these days and post (minimallly) in Surviving.
A few thoughts from your response to me...
First, I don't think it's compassion that allows someone to tolerate abuse. It may be based in fear, but it is essentially cowardice and cruelty. I believe it is the furthest thing from kindness to allow a dynamic where another person acts out their worst selves. From a spiritual perspective, it is not love, but rather abandonment, at best, and when engaging and egging them on it's more like enticement into damnation. Anyway, not compassionate at all, though one could try to take a logical path to that conclusion. That's a perfect argument for the limitations of logic.
I will point out that you used to want H to garden with you. You've since changed your mind. If you're allowed to change your mind, then you have to allow for the possibility of H changing his mind.
As for what non-lawyer conversation might look like, I found a short little book that I could wrap my logical brain around. It's called Non-Violent Communication. The focus is on identifying feelings and underlying needs, distinguishing between needs and strategies, taking good care of yourself, and getting what you want. Very simple concepts, simple implementation steps. Difficult to practice. Good brain exercise. It's by Marshall Rosenberg.
The non-lawyer convo might have you trying to pay attention to H's feelings and underlying needs (as well as your own).
H: You won't let me garden with you.
CV: Yes, I prefer to garden alone these days. You seem sad/angry/frustrated by this?
H: Yes!
CV: Because it's important to you to spend time together? You are missing having physical and emotional closeness?
H: ...
CV: I've been hurt and disappointed by our previous attempts to garden together. It's important to me to have [my garden time]/[time we spend together] be pleasant and relaxing. Would you be willing to ...?
Rosenberg says that people are only ever saying one of two things: "Please" or "Thank you". So, all of us, regardless of the words that come out, are either trying to express gratitude or ask for something. We are trying to get our needs met. Usually in very ineffective ways. MWD says, "Do what works." Rosenberg says the same and offers some steps that make it more likely that we'll be successful when we're asking for what we want. Interestingly, he's also adamant that we should not do things we don't want to.
I remember that when you came back from a visit with friends you were looking through a softer lens for a bit. It's hard to hang on to that, but you at least had a glimpse of it.
