Rebuilding my life and searching for joy

[golf mom]

Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2362394#Post2362394

[wishing, hoping]

Hi GM

Good luck with the four way meeting. I just had a three way meeting with my attorney and H. I refused to be in the same room with H. I couldn't stand to look at him. Every time we have had a four way meeting nothing ever got accomplished. It was either H's way or the highway.

I hope you have better luck than me!!!

WH

[golf mom]

So, while I intend to solely focus on my life going forward, I am processing the new information regarding xh and OW. I had always suspected that she was a co-worker. Xh started hanging around a young crowd from work a year or so before BD.

OW is likely the typical MLC A partner, needy, low-self esteem. Based on what xh always told me about the people, mostly young women, in her position she came to the US looking for a better life and likely sends money back home. She's very quiet and subservient. She treats xh like a god. She likely has a gambling addiction like he does. Of course, none of this could be true, but it's likely.

How long will it take for this to run it's course? I know that's the answer so many of us want to know. In my case, I don't have any hope of a new R with xh. What I want is for him to start figuring himself out and not be enabled by OW.

Things may take a turn when the boys start counseling. It will be required that xh meet with his own therapist. His gambling has already been identified, by him, but I don't know in what context. He will no longer be able to blame me if he wants a R with the boys. This therapist is known for protecting kids so xh is going to have work to do. In a perfect world he will finally start addressing his childhood issues and heal himself while developing a new and better R with the boys. What he will learn will be in stark contrast to his current life. He'll be at a crossroads with his job, friends and OW.

I'm not sure what my role is in all of this. I don't want to be the hated xw, though I guess that's not my choice. I will be supportive of the boys' therapy and the new R that I hope will be built. I will allow xh to see the boys whenever they decide they want to. I don't need a schedule as long as he's respectful of me. Right now I draw the line with OW. I hope this doesn't become an issue.

This will be hard, but it's the right direction to go in. It's the first step to building a bridge. Once we're all on the same side there will be peace.

[golf mom]

WH, that's what I'm afraid of. We had an impromptu meeting the day of the settlement conference and it was a waste of time. He was full of blame and gaslighting techniques. I believe xh is desperate at this point and not in a position to be fair or generous. However, I will leave that to the past and work toward resolution. My attorney is going to need to do a really good job of standing up for me. Whenever I make a statement xh quickly starts with "this is why that doesn't make any sense...." or "you don't know what you're talking about...." or "you're crazy...." and my favorite "let me give you an analogy since you don't seem to understand...." Gaslighting!

[AJM]

GM, I'm sorry you're going through this. But in your posts, a few things stood out.

1) The four way meeting. Bea gave some great suggestions. Go into it knowing what you will and won't settle for. Get an agenda. Don't go in unprepared and having to make choices you haven't thought about.
2) If you're still, you'll know all the hidden things you didn't know before. You may not want to but I have yet to see a case where that which is hidden didn't come to the light at some point.
3) Your H is off the rails
4) Your H has been hiding things for so long, it must be tiring, right? That said, he'll tell you things because he simply can't keep another secret. It'll seem odd to you, the things he tells you.
5) You're right to be suspicious. He's off the rails.
6) You should check with your attorney about exposing your H's affair with his subordinate. If you expose him, you'll get immediate satisfaction. He'll get fired. You'll lose the alimony, payments, etc. Your kids won't be able to benefit from his finances either and it'll be because of your actions to expose it. That's a possibility, but check with your A. It may be that there are no repercussions. If it helps, I had to make a similar choice about suing the OM. I can do that in this state for alienation of affection. I chose not to because it would drag things on and expose the kids mother. There was no other benefit to me except money and revenge. And I'm not interested in either of those.

Time to reset your expectations. They should be at zero when it comes to him. He can't live up to anything else right now. He may never, but for now he will not.

As far as what he thinks of you as a mother? Let's look at that again. He's having an affair with a subordinate, hiding it, lying, gambling, and treating you like dirt. Are you really worried about what he thinks? Should you be? I wouldn't. In my own situation I don't and I do know how difficult that is to no longer trust somebody you trusted for a long time. But it's the reality of the situation.

Some things to think about.

Peace,
AJ

[golf mom]

AJ, I have no intention of exposing him, but I am very concerned that he will be found out, especially if that relationship ends, and I will lose my support.

I can't imagine the amount of stress he lives with on a daily basis. No wonder he looks terrible.

I really wish I knew what his co-workers thought of him and whether anyone suspects anything. It will all blow up one way or the other. I'm staying out of it other than to voice my concerns to my attorney.

Xh has said publicly, in court, to his attorney and the boys that he thinks I'm a great mom so I have no worries there. He wants a very limited R with the boys. He wants to see them, but doesn't want any responsibility for their care.

The settlement is all about money. He wants to pay as little as possible and he wants money out of the house. If I were completely self supporting I would have walked away from this a long time ago. I don't need to win, but I do need to survive.

[golf mom]

I feel somewhat lost. I have logistical things to take care of and I'm clear on that, but I'm not sure of the rest. My M is over and has been for a long time now, but I feel strongly that I don't want to be too far away in my heart. I have had several visions of my family, all four of us, that I don't want to let go of. I don't have hope exactly, maybe a strong bond that I'm not ready to sever.

Xh is such a mess. He needs help. He's hurt me terribly and continues to make bad choices, but I know his heart, who he really is. I remember the man who held his mom as she died and bravely delivered a heart-felt eulogy at her funeral. I remember the dad who used to kiss his sons goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" long last the time many dads had stopped being so openly affectionate with their teens. What happened to that man? Deep addiction, MLC or both? After all of this time I'm still trying to figure it all out.

[AJM]

GM, you can make yourself crazy trying to figure him out when he can't even figure himself out. In time you'll have the answers you're looking for, but it could be a very long time. Very.

I'm sorry for your loss, but there's two ways to look at it: the way you want it to be or the way it is. You'll always have those memories. They are yours to keep.


Peace,
AJ

[BklynMom]

GM - I can relate to you feelings.

It would be much easier for us to move on if we went to a doctor and they told us that our xh are diagnosed with XYZ. We will not get that kind of official diagnosis but that does not mean our xh are any less diseased.

As a society we watch people die from their demons, the Glee guy most recently, Whitney Houston, Amy Whinehouse and the list goes on and on and on and on but we have also witnessed miracles where people recover Robert Downey Jr, Mathew Perry, Colin Farrel to name a few. People that were heading fast down to the bottom and for some reason, some miracle stopped and got off and turned their life around.

I still ask why often but there is no answer to that. He just needs to go through this and no one knows which direction he will land. Pray for him and then focus on your kids.

I highly highly recommend Alanon.

[beatrice]

GM It is such a hard tightrope to walk - honouring our past and our love for the spouse, keeping going in the present, and moving into an unknown future.

I am glad that I continued to honour my feelings of love for my xh, because of who it makes me today, if that makes sense? It was hard to recognise that I still loved him - some spouses actually do cease to love the ex spouse, and I absolutely understand that, but there isn't a 'one size fits all'.

Clearly there are people who are stuck, but that is different.
The point I was trying to make on my own thread, is that we move to a different place without outraging our feelings. It takes time, but it is an organic process of healing, with love for what we had, so that our past is integrated into who we are and are becoming.

So I do not say the past is over. you are intelligent enough to know that your xh is another place, but the feelings that bound you together will not go away quickly, and probably never fully.

I am pleased that I still love my xh. Not in a devoted 'I am simply sitting waiting for you to come back' way. Truthfully I think he may never do that, and I OK with that, now.

We have to get to another place in our way, at our own pace, and I spent a lot of time feeling guilty because i cherished feelings of love for my xh 'after all he had done' as friends used to say.

I kept the feelings to myself, but I want you to know that I believe what you are feeling is normal, and actually emotionally healthy. There is someting very wrong with your xh, and he wasn't always like this. If he had been you either would never have married him in the first place, or you would have headed for the hills.

This post is a bit rambling, but it is heartfelt.