Run and hide your crazy

[mizjjd]

He's not exactly mean. Lol, maybe I don't know what mean is. Its more a case of neglect than actual persecution. Much of his spew is not directed at me, rather at the world. Ie, Angelina Jolie and 8 year olds who attend marathons, and starving nations, and people of a different race.

For me personally, he doesn't "look at me that way" regarding the sweetnesses etc. And he hasn't for a long long time. He has forgotten my birthday 4 times (first time was my 30th), and I lost track of how many times he's forgotten our anniversary. He doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day. He doesn't want to go out socially with me. He doesn't do "acts of service". He doesn't want to hear or say "I love you."

However, when those R talks sneak up on us, he says "I have never said I don't love you. I do love you." And, he tells me that I have taken his disinterest too seriously. That it doesn't "mean" anything regarding the end of our marriage. (Maybe somewhat like Dawn's H?) My H feels that the fact that he "comes home, talks to me, spoons me at night" speaks more loudly than the OW and the neglect.

From my perspective, it might have overshadowed the neglect, but does NOT overshadow the OW. So, from what I understand my H to say, he may or may not leave when the twins turn 18. Much of this hinges on his parents' health too. He seems to have an attitude of disbelief that this, our M, can really be "all there is" to M. He sees TV and movies and "other people" who seem to be having so much "more". And naturally, I am the one who's at fault.

And, I have asked H to leave 4 times. I sometimes wonder if he knows not leaving has empowered me a bit? I am not "worried" about him leaving like I was. Well, I worry about how the bills will get paid.

H hasn't presented me with too many of my "errors" really. He just doesn't like who I am. And well, too bad for him.

I am quiet. Yeppers, have been since childhood. Was when we met. In fact, I can remember him telling me he found my reserve "classy".
I am "smart". I don't even know if I believe this. What I have done is read a whole lot of books, and amassed a decent vocabulary. But generally speaking, I don't use a $3.00 word when a $0.50 one will do. However, in arguments, I am not above reversing this. Ahem. That is a work in process.
I'm not a good housekeeper. This is sort of true. I do pick up after myself, but I'm not terrific at picking up after others. Also not great at getting others, 4 kids and 1 H to pick up after themselves. So. The house is not Martha Stewart quality. But its not gonna be on a hoarder episode either. And some of this is probably passive aggressive on my part. For instance, making the bed. H has stated he wants the bed made. And I do this. However, I feel that the last person out should be the bed maker. H feels the woman should be the bed maker. So fine, lol, I'll make the bed but you have to dig your socks out of the laundry basket. Juvenile of me. And not necessarily consciously done. Just seems to work out that way.
I disagree with H. Yes, I do. I just don't know what to say about this. H seems to think if we're not in lockstep that I am "against" him. This actually leads me to speak up less, which makes me even more quiet. Vicious circle.

I'm sorry your H has said such harsh things to you. That must have been very difficult for you to hear. It is awesome that you remain steadfast regardless. It may take a long while for him to realize that happiness is internal. I'm not sure, has his time with ow been as an affair only? Or have they been living together?

Enjoy your time with him at the casino.

Lol. I must have miscommunicated. I do not join H at the casino. Never have. Couldn't actually, because he goes to Windsor and I don't have a passport. And I work. Every weekend. Well, every day lol. And someone has to stay home and play grown up.

And this morning, I get to walk to fastfoodland because the kids have taken the cars to work. But that's ok. Its only a mile. And its not raining. Its gonna be a good day. Cause I say so. ~~ ~~