uR I'm sorry, what you said did not make me feel bad.
Oh good, would never, ever want to make you feel badly, Linda.
When a person feels awful and unloveable.
I do not like to see that you feel that way, my friend. You are so lovable. And you were loved well for a great many years. It is your h who feels awful about himself.
It is inconceivable to me, if I fell in love with someone else, who desperately wanted to marry me, I would leave and make it happen. He stays, he must care about me. But then I think maybe he's just biding his time, living here "like friends" with me supporting us until he feels well enough to get a full time job making enough money so he can get RT a green card and and bring her here. But that hasn't happened in the past 6 years, why worry about it now. It is what it is.
Linda, if you really and truly love someone, there is nothing that would stand in the way. He would do whatever he had to make a committment to her. And yes, it hasnt happened in 6 years. You are right, it is what it is. And trying to figure it out doesnt get you anywhere. You are choosing to stand today, that's really all that is important at this moment.
Maybe that is part of my H's rewriting, when he tells everyone I have been lying and cheating on him our whole marriage. Sort of a projection of his actions now, but worse, to rationalize them to himself?
Exactly.^^^^
Linda, every step of this journey is important. All the ups and downs and twists and turns. The two steps forward and one back - all of it. They are all needed to get you to where you ultimately will wind up - stronger, wiser, healthy. You dont want to miss any of the steps.
Nero your posts always cheer me up. I would love to come meet you. I'm out in Suffolk. Not impossible I think.
Can I come? I'll drive and pick up Nero! Just say the word.
We WILL be happy again. Soon. Happy with our lives and ourselves, no longer "sad sacks" but independent women leading fulfilling lives.
Yes you will. I have no doubt.
When our Hs finally smarten up and decide to recommit to us, that -happiness will just be icing on the delicious cake of our lives. We will have ""that" kinda happy-cherished, the object of someone's desire/life" -- again! I know it!
The great thing about that is, when it happens, you get to decide .
Ahh, Linda, the chair, I didnt really hate it, it's a thing, after all. I hated what it represented. In the beginning of all this, my xh kept telling me how unhappy he was and how he wanted a new life. Yet, every night, he sat in that chair. I'd come home, there he'd be. No matter where I was or what I was doing at any given moment, I knew he was in that chair.
In the middle of the night, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I'd look in the living room - he's in the freakin chair. LOL!
So, where was that big life he wanted? How was being in that chair solving his unhappiness?
The only time he really left the chair, was if he got a text from her. And yes, for a long time I was angry about that. Until I wasnt. I realized that it was so sad. To claim such unhappiness, yet, do nothing about it. To tell your wife and your son you dont want to be here, yet, stay sitting in that chair.
So, eventually, I did feel compassion for him. How very sad, to see this man I knew and loved for so long reduced to this. To think that he was in such crisis that he was willing to take whatever little crumbs the ow offered in the way of a text and be so hungry for so little.
The chair no longer held any power after I realized all that. And so, in my UR way, it became a joke between us. I would put signs on it, and decorate it. If he wwent to the bathroom, I would turn it around. I made it something different than what I had made it before.
And to this day, my xh tells me that he misses that part of me. If I had to guess, I think he misses most of me. He says he never met anyone like me. I tell him, and you never will. There is only one UR, and you were lucky to have her. The last time he said it, I heard him mumble under his breath - yes, I was.
And instead of getting annoyed or hurt, I thought about him waiting and your H waiting. And was filled with pity for their empty lives. I often feel compassion for my H when he's depressed or confused, but NEVER felt compassion for anything to do with the Tramp before. Never! But from what you have told me, I think he's feeling so crummy about his empty useless life, has so little self-respect, that he paced around for over an hour waiting for her, then RAN like a love-sick teen when she twitched her finger. Sort of pathetic huh? That's not the strong manly guy I married.
I'm sure RT will p!ss me off again, but think this feeling is a good sign It's nice to have my PMA back. Thanks guys!!! [/quote]
Linda, remember it is okay to be H's second option for the time being as eventually you'll work your way up to being his #1 once again. We only have to look at rH's sitch to realize the truth behind this thought.
Acceptance of being number 2 for now and LET GO/LET GOD is the key to DBing with a MLCer.
Thank you so much Wonka "Linda, remember it is okay to be H's second option for the time being as eventually you'll work your way up to being his #1 once again. We only have to look at rH's sitch to realize the truth behind this thought. Acceptance of being number 2 for now and LET GO/LET GOD is the key to DBing with a MLCer."
You are such a good friend. That's what I'll try to be to my H, a good friend, standing back, giving him space, being there when he wants to talk. He invited me to go for a walk, and I spent an hour being instructed on some obscure aspect of WWII sigh.... I do love that man
I'm sorry for being so whiney last night. Had a "poor Linda" attack. Love your "Pete" joke! And your story about that chair uR!!! Only you.....
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Watching the morning news (and an interesting show about the DSM no mention of adding MLC) w H, he receives text, bamm, gone sigh.... Gonna go buy some more flowering plants to put in pots on the deck.
. Have a good day everyone, it's what we make it!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Linda, your H is definitely emotionally attached to you. He wants to talk to when he wants to talk to you. I think he is taking it for granted that you are always there for him. I think he will have a different perspective when he goes on his trip. You will not be around. I’m sure RT will not be able to fulfill these needs for him. I bet she will be forcing him to eat that oatmeal 24/7, hehe. I wish I would be that fly on the wall then…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
