wife hardends heart-2

[PatientMan]

planet,

I agree that your warning sirens should be going off with this guy spending time with your W and kids, even if outside the home. That could definitely be confusing for your D's at their ages of 4 and 3. You don't need to explain any of this to your W, but it usually starts out as "just friends" and escalates from there, especially with the OM admitting he has feelings for your W. THAT IS NOT OKAY. Know that your feelings are completely valid.

However, I really don't know what the best DB'ing advice in this situation is. Previously I did pounce on that guy being in your house because it was a glaring and giant NO WAY IN HELL thing that you needed to handle immediately, as a man. (I couldn't even believe it went on as long as it did.)

Best of luck to you. I'll keep up with you and hopefully smarter people than I will come along with suggestions for you. When they do, listen to them.

Did you offer to go to the movies in OM's stead?

-PM

[planet]

The plan was cancelled. The OM called me a number of times to which I did not pick up. Didn't know what to say anyway..

PatientMan.
She didn't want to go out with me.

We talked about this issue later that night. I knew I should have walk away from this one but couldn't so. She wanted to see that my family had treated her badly and the hypocracy of it all. I have always had something to say defending them and mostly did not speak up. She also said that I did not love her the way she wanted to be loved.
I have been far too complacent and did not want to change. Should have gotten a new job knowing expenses are getting higher. Far too selfish to think about our family's needs. I really need to grow up.
She also notes that I have been nice to her but that is turning her further away. Also, she's been sickly for weeks and her blood pressure is low.
Am I affecting her health? Given all this pressure. Something bad is bound to happen. I'm afraid.

[MrBond]

You should have answered to see what he wanted. But take it from a position that he is stealing your family.

[planet]

I feel everything I do now is going to have a negative effect on her. Even worse its affecting her health. Throwing in the confusion. I don't think she can take much of these changes in me. Her blood pressure is dangerously low.
I'm afraid she'll fall into depression

[planet]

I'm just guessing but I think that he'll advised me not to be angry with W. I don't think W told him about the D yet and still considers him a close friend as Someone who cares and unselfishly wants to care for her without expecting any thing in return.
W is a brutally honest person and will not hide anything when asked.

[planet]

Got a text from OM requesting to meet up again. Got no time to do so unless its on a weekday. W is unable to care for Ds in her condition.
I could only do it on Monday after work which tomorrow.

Why is he doing this? He's hurting us even more. He thinks what he's doing is noble.

[planet]

I have failed my W. Did not love her the way she wants to be loved. This leaves me questioning myself. I have failed once but we got back together and this time I failed her again.
I ask myself again and again. Do I love her? Why did I do the things I do if I love her?
What do I want? Is this just a feeling of fear of losing someone? W kept saying that I don't really love her.

[MileHigh]

Hey, there. I ask myself these very same questions all the time. I did the same thing - we separated before, got back together, and then fell into the same pattern and I didn't apply what I had learned here the first time around. My wife just told me "I should hate her" (for what she's doing). The only response I felt was appropriate was texting her that I don't hate her.

Don't know if this helps, but figured it can't hurt to let you know you're not alone in having those kinds of thoughts.

[planet]

dmr1965.
Thanks for sharing.

[MrBond]

"Why is he doing this? He's hurting us even more. He thinks what he's doing is noble."

It is because he doesn't know or is too stupid to know. Tell him what's going on and be upfront about it. If he really was "noble" he'd back off.