GM, it's a tough one because you obviously care and want to be respectful. He doesn't or isn't capable of that right now. His loss. But something to consider as you move along. Anyone else in the world right now can tell him happy birthday or congratulations or whatever else. He'll hear them out. You're the one person that cannot tell him anything right now.
My ex and I have the same birthday (I'm a year older). I don't forget her birthday, but I don't commemorate it either. She's still learning to deal with boundaries (like a little kid). When this was all still going on before she left, I got her a bland card. Nothing special. While cleaning out the cabinets a while back I found it - unopened. She wasn't able to "hear" anything from me at all. Still can't. But I don't take it personally any longer. It was meant to be, but it's bigger than that. And as she struggles to keep the light on in her world, I'm not going to add to that burden
I think it's best to wish him well, but not say it to him. Seems odd, but it seems to work.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, I'm glad I made the decision that I did because, honestly, I still don't want contact with xh. I don't trust him or his ability to be respectful of me. Setting the communication boundaries with him face to face is a 180 for me. I never stood up to him in our M. So I do think he needs to initiate the next contact and from that I will determine whether he really heard me or not. If not, I will have to restate the boundaries.
Well, I'm officially medicated. It will takes several weeks before the AD takes affect. I took the AA med at bedtime and I slept well, but am a little out of sorts this morning. I think I'll save that for rough days.
After my appointment I met with a mortgage broker. It's kind of funny. He's the broker that xh and gf used to try to buy a house which blew our settlement to bits. I contacted the broker back then and got quite a bit of info. Yesterday I learned even more. (BTW, I'm now his client. He wants nothing to do with xh after he found out that his loan application had false information.) So, it turns out that xh's gf is someone who works for him which is exactly what I suspected. What I don't know is how long it had been going on prior to BD. I'm sure they are still keeping it a secret since he will be fired if they were found out. So, now I understand why he's never changed his address to hers. He has a p.o. box and I noticed that his paychecks go there. He can't use that for his car registration, license etc. so that's why he's continued to use mine. How could I have not figured that out before?
The choice in gf makes total sense. She is definitely someone far beneath him and needs rescuing. Xh is a director of a department with a lot of young, uneducated woman. I don't think a lot of them are citizens, but are here on work visas. On xh's birthday and at Christmas he was showered with gifts from these woman. I thought it was odd, but never once thought threatened by them. To be with him is to strike it rich.
Before BD xh was spending more and more time after work with the people he supervised, men and women. There was always a birthday to celebrate or some reason to get a big group together. I talked to him many times about crossing the line and maintaining a distance. He was having too much fun with the younger crowd and I'm sure they were equally thrilled that he would grace them with his presence. I'm sure the alcohol flowed. So, why would xh want to come home, work on a marriage, parent his kids, etc. when he can be in a world where he's treated like a god. What a fool he is. He's being used just like he's using them.
In xh's new life rules don't apply to him. He lied (a real whopper) on a mortgage loan application, lied on our tax return (I finally received a copy a last week; I need to discuss it with my attorney), lied in legal documents and to his attorney about me, is keeping his gf secret so he isn't fired and on and on. I keep waiting for his behavior to bring him down, but I'm the one fighting to maintain my current lifestyle. As painful as finalizing the D was, it was in my best interest. Xh is totally out of control.
So, what do I do? Cancel the four-way meeting and go back to the settlement judge and lay it all out. Or do I go to the meeting, acting oblivious to it all and DB my way through with the hope that I will prevail?
I'm trying to remain calm after reading an email from my attorney this afternoon which included the stipulation xh wants me to sign. My attorney doesn't like it and wants to discuss it at the four-way on Friday. I don't like it either since he's still trying to find ways to hurt me financially. I do not understand why this is so difficult.
I do not know how I'm going to get through the meeting on Friday. I absolutely have to stay calm even though I want to tell him I know about his affair and all the lies. I can do that later. Seriously, how am I going to be in the same room with someone who has done all that he has? I would love some advice and mistakes to learn from for those of you who have gone though negotiations.
Looking back on Monday, it interesting the things xh squeezed into the conversation. He told me he bought a new car and wants S16 to have his old one. He felt the need to tell me what kind he bought and that it was a basic, bare bones model. It sounded like he let me know that he made a responsible choices after many years of buying expensive cars. He could have also said that so I didn't think he had tons of extra money for frivolous purchases. I didn't comment. I stuck to asking questions about the car he wants to give to S.
Also, when we were deciding on a date for the four-way meeting xh said a certain date wouldn't work because he's having cataract surgery. He could have just said he's not available.
For someone who wants to live a secret life he sure likes to give details.
So, xh knows he is unblocked, but hasn't contacted me yet. I do believe that he understood my boundaries and won't deliberately cross them. I fully expect that the next text or email will be polite, but he's not ready for that yet.
GM Honestly dealing with MLCers is a bit like dog training LOL. I am dog siting a 7 month old dog who is cute but not very disciplined. I know very little about dog training, and a little more about DBing. The same principles seem to work! Zen and the art of DBing or what?
My xh is the same these days about extraneous information. last time we met he made a point of telling me how much he was earning. WTF??? This is the world's most secretive man. He wasn't boasting either. It is about what I would have guessed.
Now about the 4 way - tough, but the ADs should be starting to kick in (I find with most medication that it seems to kick in before they say it will). It is a negotiation, and there are books about negotiating techniques
I try to go through the situation realistically in my mind, as if I were watching a stage play, and I were one of the actors. (Best NOT done at 2.30 am!!) Go through the scenarios in your mind.
Decide what you want out of the meeting in advance, as a minimum. Imho you cannot sign a document which contains inaccuracies, but if that is what you decide, this can be said by your attorney, pleasantly and firmly.
It isn't a bad idea to have an agenda agreed with your attorney as to the structure of the meeting, and what you want to cover. MLCers can try and drag in all kinds of stuff. They like to win.
Information is currency!!
People who are lying to themselves and anyone else are often very paranoid.
I think you will be fine. Look fabulous!! And you have all these on-line friends rooting for you.
