Laying down my heart and feeling the power

[RosaLinda]

uR I'm sorry, what you said did not make me feel bad, I made myself feel bad. When a person feels awful and unloveable, it's hard to accept the idea that a person who treats her like a stranger they ran across in a hotel lobby ( or the "hired help" ) might actually harbor love for her. 

I am usually pretty cheery and usually actually do believe what you say, that "Your h's still loves you. How can he not? He is just so blinded by crisis." Most of the time I feel that way, and it keeps me standing. If he does not love me, why would he stay here? It is inconceivable to me, if I fell in love with someone else, who desperately wanted to marry me, I would leave and make it happen. He stays, he must care about me. But then I think maybe he's just biding his time, living here "like friends" with me supporting us until he feels well enough to get a full time job making enough money so he can get RT a green card and and bring her here. But that hasn't happened in the past 6 years, why worry about it now. It is what it is. 

Sorry I was just rambling on!

I agree with what you wrote Bea, thanks. "In their own way they love us still - but we also represent a lot of their negative feelings about themselves and their lives" -- maybe that is part of my H's rewriting, when he tells everyone I have been lying and cheating on him our whole marriage. Sort of a projection of his actions now, but worse, to rationalize them to himself? I'll try not to take the mean things he says to heart. Actually most of the time he's pretty pleasant, in a superficial way. 

Thanks for sharing your feelings and memories. I know it can't be easy for you Bea. I'm looking forward to seeing how much I changed thru this -- I know it will be good changes, responsible and caring changes, not bitterness or hate, because you are keeping me on track, thanks so much. I promise to "fake it till I make it!" thank you. 

Nero your posts always cheer me up. I would love to come meet you. I'm out in Suffolk. Not impossible I think. 

Listen, if my H not leaving means that he cares about me, then yours paying the bills and spending a week with you every month shows that HE cares. 

We WILL be happy again. Soon. Happy with our lives and ourselves, no longer "sad sacks" but independent women leading fulfilling lives. When our Hs finally smarten up and decide to recommit to us, that -happiness will just be icing on the delicious cake of our lives. We will have ""that" kinda happy- cherished, the object of someone's desire/life" -- again! I know it!

Nero look how loved you are by US. You said exactly what GettingOverIt, Dawn and I all needed to hear. I'm glad you're going to spend some time at the shore with your family! Especially the baby! Good PMA booster for all of us to vicariously look forward to!