Blindsided

[chl0901]

Dinner went well last night! H was in a pretty talkative mood (for him at least) and talked about his work day (no R talk). After S went to bed, H invited me to take a bath with him and he also gave me a back massage (it's been a long time since he's done that!). Trying not to look into all that too much, but it was a really nice night!

Another happy point yesterday was I had to drop something off at my mom's house after work and she said she could really tell in my face that I've lost some weight! And she just saw me a week ago too. Then at the restaurant H and I went to, one of the owners (we frequent there) also told me I look great and asked what I've been doing! It was really nice to get those compliments and that people are starting to notice my hard work.

I hope everyone has a good day today!

[chl0901]

I also found the 5LL book in a box, so I'll start that soon!

[sthelen]

Hopefully your H heard the owner say you look great.

I really enjoyed the LL book. It's a pretty easy read, I finished it in a day.

Of course my H had already moved out by the time I found it and I haven't actually gotten to put any of it into practice.

He also told me months ago that he would read it but hasn't yet.

[chl0901]

Yes, H did hear the owner complimenting me which was good!

I've started the 5LL book, I'll post more on that when I finish. My H wouldn't read it, either.

I hope everyone's had a good weekend - I'm not feeling well today, so trying to take it easy (not so easy with a wild toddler!).

[sthelen]

Awesome! Hope you feel better soon, I'm under the weather too.

I was just thinking a day or so ago that it's amazing I haven't gotten sick with all the stress in my life the last few months...and today I wake up not feeling well.

[Mimi00]

We got home and put S down for a nap and I got into the shower. H actually joined me (which he usually only does if he wants to get intimate), and he was "ready" physically, so I was waiting for him to make a move since he's been turning me down lately. We get out of the shower and instead of doing anything or going into the bedroom, he started to get dressed. I then asked what he was doing and he said getting dressed. I couldn't help but ask why and point at him and he said he just doesn't feel like it. I said but you look like you want to and he said that doesn't matter he doesn't feel like it and he was clearly annoyed. I had to leave the room because I started to tear up - I just don't understand this. When I went back into the room to grab my phone, he said I was really annoying him with this and it's pushing him away. I said but you felt like it last week and he said "so?" I am at a loss right now. I feel so rejected and confused. Him turning me down the other nights in bed hurt my feelings but this is a whole new level of rejection. And especially after running into OW this morning, my anxiety is at a high. Ugh.

Hopefully I'm not out of line, but since he was physically aroused; maybe.... with out saying anything... you could have pleasured him, with out expecting anything in return(If you know what I mean???). That would have been taking initiative as he's asked for in the past, yet not putting pressure on him to have sex with you after. Make him feel wanted and desired with out making it about you.

I'm not expert here, but that was my thought as I was reading.

Also I agree with the suggestions to make sure you are touching him through out the day to keep the physical contact there, if it's just touching his back when you have to walk by him; it has to seem natural of course

My H said something during the BD last month that I've been thinking about a lot. He said, "You're only happy with S." I do not think that is true, but that is obviously how he perceives it to be.

I'm not sure what else I should do at this point to show him he's appreciated and I am happy with him without coming off as pursuing or pressuring him. I am worried that backing off like I have been will just drive a bigger space in-between us. I get that if I come on too strong (like I tried a couple of weeks ago), that will push him away, but I'm also scared that me backing off so much will also push him away further. Any happy medium or ideas?

We don't have kids, but my H would always bring up how much I cuddled with my dog and how he gets the affection. I didn't catch on then, but he was crying out for attention/affection with out being straight forward and telling me what he needed.

When your H comes home from work, are you usually home? Make sure he sees you're happy he's home. Give him a kiss, or just let him know your happy to see him; "light up" for him the same way you do when you're with your child.

The 5LL book should help out a lot too, good you found that.

Great to hear the positives you've had lately.

[AnotherStander]

Dinner went well last night! H was in a pretty talkative mood (for him at least) and talked about his work day (no R talk). After S went to bed, H invited me to take a bath with him and he also gave me a back massage (it's been a long time since he's done that!). Trying not to look into all that too much, but it was a really nice night!

You're barely 3 weeks since BD, I have a feeling that you've got a very long and very bumpy road ahead of you. I want you to be prepared for it, so let me share with you that in my sitch and many others here, the WAS actually seemed to show improvement after BD just like yours is doing. They go through the motions of "trying" to work on the M. But they almost always still end up leaving. It's believed they do this to "prove" to themselves that they "tried everything". Often it seems to the LBS that everything is fine again, the WAS seems to want to save the M and things often seem better than they have in years. That's why it's doubly shocking when one day they just up and announce they're leaving. I'm telling you this to remind you how important it is to DB even when it seems like things are fine. Because they are not fine at all, and they won't be for a long, long time.

Congrats on the weight loss and your GAL efforts, keep it up!

[chasingpavements]

AnotherStander has brought up some great points. The scenario AS listed is exactly how it played out in my situation.. so just keep an eye out for that. Just as AS stated, keep at it, and keep DB'ing and be prepared for it to take a long time.

[chl0901]

Thanks, everyone for the feedback!

Awesome! Hope you feel better soon, I'm under the weather too.

I hope you feel better soon! I am feeling much better today.

Hopefully I'm not out of line, but since he was physically aroused; maybe.... with out saying anything... you could have pleasured him, with out expecting anything in return(If you know what I mean???). That would have been taking initiative as he's asked for in the past, yet not putting pressure on him to have sex with you after. Make him feel wanted and desired with out making it about you.

I'm not expert here, but that was my thought as I was reading.

I guess I could have tried that, but the thought didn't even cross my mind at the time because I kept thinking he was going to make a move since he had come into the shower with me, etc. I have not tried to initiate anything since then, but if any similar situation happens again, that may be something to try.

When your H comes home from work, are you usually home? Make sure he sees you're happy he's home. Give him a kiss, or just let him know your happy to see him; "light up" for him the same way you do when you're with your child.

Usually I am home first with S...I always say "hi" when he comes into the door, but he is usually pretty quiet. I'll have to try to "light up" more when he comes home.

You're barely 3 weeks since BD, I have a feeling that you've got a very long and very bumpy road ahead of you. I want you to be prepared for it, so let me share with you that in my sitch and many others here, the WAS actually seemed to show improvement after BD just like yours is doing. They go through the motions of "trying" to work on the M. But they almost always still end up leaving. It's believed they do this to "prove" to themselves that they "tried everything". Often it seems to the LBS that everything is fine again, the WAS seems to want to save the M and things often seem better than they have in years. That's why it's doubly shocking when one day they just up and announce they're leaving. I'm telling you this to remind you how important it is to DB even when it seems like things are fine. Because they are not fine at all, and they won't be for a long, long time.

Congrats on the weight loss and your GAL efforts, keep it up!

Thank you, AS, for the reality check. It's very confusing that H is acting "normal" and "fine" some of the time when he told me just last month that he wants to divorce me, etc. I am really sticking to eating right and exercising, because there is no motivation more than H telling me he is physically unattracted to me and wants to leave me! It's really nice to hear the positive comments, too. I am definitely going to continue to do my 180s and GALs. H hasn't said anything about them yet, but surely he has to notice some of the little changes.

AnotherStander has brought up some great points. The scenario AS listed is exactly how it played out in my situation.. so just keep an eye out for that. Just as AS stated, keep at it, and keep DB'ing and be prepared for it to take a long time.

Thanks, Hwy. It's so hard to do (I know...it's a sprint not a marathon!), but I'm going to keep working at it because I love my H and our little family and definitely want to give it my best shot to stay together and improve our marriage!

[chl0901]

Also, I finished reading the 5LL book yesterday (I'm still reading DB). I've found that my primary LL is Words of Affirmation. I really don't see H taking the quiz or reading the book at this point so I didn't ask and took it for him with what I think his choice would be for each answer. I believe H's primary LL is Acts of Service after reading the book and taking the quiz. I already try to do little things for him but could step up my game more with that. However, I also do not want to do too much to where it comes off as pursuing. I'm thinking maybe keep up the things that I have been doing (making his coffee in the AM, making breakfast Sunday mornings, steaming his clothes some mornings, etc.) and throw in something extra every once in awhile?