One giant leap forward!

[T1000]

I get that but what I see is you put your behavior off on others.

"If I was dating someone else, I wouldn't..."

"If W didn't....then I wouldn't..."

This is your one and only life, what role do YOU want to play in it?

I do always seem to need a reason for something rather than just doing it because that's who I am and that is what I want.

[SM34]

You say you were stuck in the middle between your wife and your family.

Did you ever stick up for her? It is very important for a woman to feel her man has her back, even when it comes to her family.

If that was the case, perhaps someone here can offer a way for you to demonstrate that you are in her side, even if she may feel it is too late it may be something she is still holding on to.

[SM34]

I meant have her back even when it comes to YOUR family, not hers.

[labug]

I won't reply to W until I heard from you guys on here.

My first thought was to respond with:

"I don't believe we could work it out without solicitors."

I would be tempted to also state that she wants too much and she always needs to win and she will try and walk all over me.
I wouldn't, that's just what I feel like saying.

Looking back at her "reasons" for the breakdown of the marriage. We had a lot problems with my family in 2009/early 2010 but things were fine 2011/2012.
Her and mother clashed a bit but whats new there.

That last line in the email:
You wish to persue everything to and fro solicitors then that is how you wish to proceed.

I could mind read that all day!!

Do you need more information or has she answered your question?

If you don't need more information, you don't need to reply other than as Kate said, "Thanks for the clarification."

And now take time to think about how you want to proceed.

Communicating in this way will be a 180 for you.

[T1000]

You say you were stuck in the middle between your wife and your family.

Did you ever stick up for her? It is very important for a woman to feel her man has her back, even when it comes to her family.

If that was the case, perhaps someone here can offer a way for you to demonstrate that you are in her side, even if she may feel it is too late it may be something she is still holding on to.

I did stick up for her. When no one else was around we would argue about the issues. She felt that I wasn't standing up for her because I wasn't just taking her side and sod the rest.

There were times when I should have done more to side with her.

I found the whole thing very confusing. My family of 30 years against my Fiancee/Wife.
I read a lot into it online at the time and realized that I should have backed her more and I have told her this.

In recent years I have had her back more. She makes it so hard though. There was an instance in September at my Mom and Dads Ruby Wedding. They didn't want her there and I fought for her to be there.
They agreed and said they wouldn't pretend it was like it was before but they would be perfectly civil (this was 3 months after W left me).
From what I saw they were civil. W thought otherwise and the next day she said she was picked on by my mother.
Straight after my Mom and Dad flew away on vacation for 3 weeks. My W was saying I needed to confront them about it.
I said I would when they got back. She didn't like that at all. Her mother neither so her mother sent my Mom some message via Facebook. It was a right old mess.

I did feel stuck. Do I contact my parents on there 40th wedding anniversary and berate them over the way they were with my W?

I chose to do it when they got back and speak to them about it. I did, they said they were civil but didn't pay my W that much attention. I got no where with any of it.

Even now it frustrates me. Looking back my W actually gave me an ultimatum that if she couldn't go me and her would be over.
^^^^ Just typing that is pretty shocking how much she tries to control me.

-------------------------------------

Before I started typing this reply I would've said that yes I needed to side with her more and wondered about ways to show that now.
Now I'm at the end of the reply it makes me think I could never please my W with her entitlement.

[T1000]

I won't reply to W until I heard from you guys on here.

My first thought was to respond with:

"I don't believe we could work it out without solicitors."

I would be tempted to also state that she wants too much and she always needs to win and she will try and walk all over me.
I wouldn't, that's just what I feel like saying.

Looking back at her "reasons" for the breakdown of the marriage. We had a lot problems with my family in 2009/early 2010 but things were fine 2011/2012.
Her and mother clashed a bit but whats new there.

That last line in the email:
You wish to persue everything to and fro solicitors then that is how you wish to proceed.

I could mind read that all day!!

Do you need more information or has she answered your question?

If you don't need more information, you don't need to reply other than as Kate said, "Thanks for the clarification."

And now take time to think about how you want to proceed.

Communicating in this way will be a 180 for you.

I don't need anymore clarification. I would like to know what she is get at though with this:

You wish to persue everything to and fro solicitors then that is how you wish to proceed.

Something isn't right there.

I will happily reply with thanks for the clarification.

I'm going to leave it until tomorrow.

I do need to think about more 180's with W. They are all just based around me lately.

[PatientMan]

I don't see much in T's W's recent communication history that leads me to believe much would be gained by playing her games. I still recommend contact with her out of absolute necessity only and ignoring most of the garbage she continues to spew. She won't like it at first, but she'll at least get the message that this kind of behavior won't be tolerated.

JMO.

-PM

[Fartiltre]

T,

This post is properly in another direction than the discussion going on in your thread!

I do get you! In fact I think the two of us are quite alike in thoughts and the way we feel like acting.

I do understand that you feel like answering – I would have felt this too but at the same time it is my opinion that this is the time to back off. I totally agree with Sandi2 on this one.
Do NOT answer anything unless she states a direct question or you have to have info around children or money-stuff.

Sandi told you some days ago to back off for at least two weeks – IMO do exactly that!

Don't appear to make up by kissing up. Step back and give her plenty of time to cool off. At the very least.....two weeks. Trust me, she will begin to break ice after you not getting the kids for two weeks. I know, I know.......somebody will probably jump in here and say something about punitive actions, or not staying away from your kids, etc. This is a necessary step in your stitch, IMO. You need some breathing space and free time. That doesn't make you a bad father. If somebody wants to call it punitive toward her, so be it........that is not the goal here.. It will be the turning point of something better, you wait and see. She really needs to see what it would be like without you as her H. I hope you will think hard about it, and decide to stop playing house/family in order to get it back.

For now, Stay off the places where you are reading stuff she says. Give yourself some time to regroup. Use your time to GAL, and read up on some self-help books.

Stop texting. When things are much, much better, gradually ease back into doing a little.

Do not give her a run down of your day. She is not entitled to know everything.

A lot have happened since the above post but I believe this is still what should be done!

Do NOT respond to her. She is trying to pull you in. It is her way of getting control. She is still looking for a reaction from you. Don't give her one.

I agree!

I would not be surprised to find out that she has not talked seriously to any lawyer. I think this may be coming from her only, to shake T up.

Totally agree!

I am not sure where you find yourself at this time. It seems like you have doubts in what you want and I do understand this. I feel the same way but not as strongly and as often as you do!
GAL, work on you – but do keep the door open!

Give her some time! Wait and see what happens!

F

[labug]

T, I'd like you to think about this response when I asked why you wanted to stay married to your W. Not just stay married (we all get that) but stay married tothe woman you married.

I don't want my marriage to fail. I want my kids to not have come from a broken home.
We have been happy before and know we could be happy again.
Unfortunately that would take a lot of work on her side.

If there is no respect, no empathy; there is resentment and lots of blaming.

So what do you really feel for your W?

[labug]

There is no respect, no empathy; there is resentment and lots of blaming.