i do want to disappear- haven't tho. it's something i like to say out loud and make myself smile. and remind myself it is entirely MY CHOICE - i am an adult - i am able - i have a car- credit cards & a good brain- (what holds me & stops me idk-).
THAT sounds like i feel FREE - and while i know i am - I DO NOT BY ANY MEANS FEEL IT.
this guilt & obligation crap is bogging me down- my spiel has always been compassion - we allll can afford it for our fellow man. - but in all honesty- sometimes i find myself saying enough is enough. (even knowing my mother sitch is not as bad as most people.) no kidding - it's the MENTAL GRIND gettng me down here- (her overt disdain really throws me off some edge all the time) doesn't say much for my character or stamina - does it??? i mean- HOW MANY TIMES can one be surprised over the same thing- the minute the CRISIS is over- and i do mean THE MINUTE - THE "disgust" pours out of her and over the room & the complaints begin. she will now complain about her teeth, the cost, the distance (still some adjustments to go), why i made her go, why i didn't make her go, why i didn't choose somewhere closer, etc., etc.
she is actually surprised and angry at the notion she should treat me as she would a stranger - it pisses her off to think she should treat this daughter as just another human being-
actually- i have credit cards & could do it any minute i feel like it... - it would feel soooo good to just surprise the hell out of her & H - who feel THEY KNOW ME SOOOO WELL. they don't know ME at all- i am quite sick of hearing it- and feeling their "comfort" at thinking i'll ALLLLWAAAYS BE THERE.
UH HEM- please call ex H - he soooo never thought i'd go., oh well - what do people think they are doing??? in life with their r?
i keep thinking how long do we need to just suck up "poking with a sharp stick" before we just walk out? rightfully or wrongfully ???
this woman who HATES BEING OLD AND is mad as hell about that. and gonna spread it around to the stinking person she THINKS won't ever ditch her.. how she figures that is a good idea i cannot imagine. i think she despises me for being a doormat while she's dumping on me because i'm the only one she feels free to????? and someting like that - she HATES neeeeeding to ask me for one darn thing- so every time she needs to dump her anger at HAVING to ask, by being awful-
something wierd & twisted that, honestly, who has time for or energy to deal wth??? and why bother- it could be not so bad if she were even remotely pleasant. i'll go a long long way for someone who is merely 'NICE" TO ME - why this continual wading thru $hit to assist her- when i'd do it for a please & thankyou? without having to feel like - well ALLLLL THIS???
idk about psycho people- i want far far away from all this mental twist & turn junk.
i'm a pretty nice & happy girl- leave me alone people with the torment & crappola... i roll over for a calm , little "nice" pat on the head
do you think people just want to "tip over the bucket" somehow with people who are okay in life and just pretty much even and happy- that they can't stand to see it so they hate you? (well, me?) is it something like that? if i'm not twisting in torment they can't stand seeing someone calm or happy? or good natured
i can't even imagine what the heck about me is soooo "in your face" that i inspire such reactions//?? OH YUCK-I THINK IT'S THE ABOVE THING I JUST TYPED AND DIDN'T EVEN STOP AND REALIZE- MAYBE PEOPLE WHO ARE KINDA TORTURED IN LIFE CAN'T STAND SEEING ANYONE ELSE HAPPY- (UH OH!!!
she said once "you care too much" to me/? an accusation. wtf does that mean? i never asked for a darn thing- i pretty much live to serve (WELL- USED TO) and i know for a fact she's jealous of any r i have with family, friends, h, you name it. she resents I "pander" to anyone but her..... sick and sick and sick man
JERKY- but no kidding- I AM SO SORRY WORLD for this bunch of wah wah crappola. this morning- thinking of old aunt trudi laying there unconscious - dying very probably
she just plugged long- and endured. she was a woman alone and she worked and took care of everyone in her family (they all died young & first) and herself and made friends and has worked up til day before going into hospital- she's 89 and began volunteering & working (9-3 every day at a local clinic for poor people)minute she retired - and kept on rite til end and forever. she knew she liked people and made sure to cultivate friends & company and activities, and was smart about that. she was pleasant and her brain was good-
SO HERE'S THE WACKY THING (and it happened once before with my old aunt rhodie who died years ago and i'd had contact now or then - i still write letters). anyway- had a notion to write three days in a row- kept making a big note with write to her on it- and next day she died. no kidding (some kind of mental "plea" out there in universe.
trudi- monday i mailed the letter to her i'd written day or so before- just had a notion i should write- tell her how much i admired her attitude in life, etc. - tuesday he took her into hosp. i missed the boat because i procrastinated mailing it- but she was in my thoughts & somehow i was getting some notion of need of some sort. i think anyway- like thinking there's more going on "out there" in universe than what we strictly know and think.
okay- i'm out of here- sorry for ranting- this mother junk gets to me- i will now move out of this "place" and continue on in life. after all- after allllll that junk - she called last nite lateish in middle of stinking downpour because her tv wouldn't work- so who ran over- ta da. i just can't get enough - can i?
