I could have written those words exactly, except my kids are not allowed around OW...yet.
OW still tries to wrap her claws around my kids (well, my daughter anyway) by buying her stupid stuff and trying to wheedle her. Last time the kids stayed at her place (she wasn't there) they came back and told me all about her house and her nail polish and her nail dryer and her guinea pigs, etc. All I could do is listen and smile. It made me sick, too. I just wanted to punch OW in her fat face.
But, like you know, we all take the high road because that's who we are and that's what we do. Like you, I cannot stand the unfairness of it all. I can't stand the broken family. I hate H for what he has done to all of us.
Just know, like mine, your H is trying to get to you and break you emotionally. You need to rally and dig deep. It [censored]. It's hard, but keep your eyes on the prize. Your kids.
As for being alone on your b-day, go our with friends and do something you want. I was alone on the 4th for the second year in a row. But I kept myself busy. I feel alone a lot when it's not "my day". I hope the feeling passes.
And H won't look at me either. They are like spoiled children who are mad at mom because they can't get their way. Just document everything.
Hang in there. When your H wants something he will suddenly be nice. That's when you need to be cautious. When they are mad, they are just mad. When they are nice, they are up to something.
Hang in there, WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So I am overly suspicious of anything h does right now....why did he put money in our joint account and tell me about? It wasn't much and nothing compared to what he owes me, but something is telling me he is up to something.
I know I am not supposed to try and figure him out, but I am puzzled by this especially since I have those civil actions put in for support.
I guess this one has me confused....
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
He is probably trying to prove something or other. And where did he get said money to put into the joint account? Did he take money out without you knowing it and then put some back in?
My H plays head games all the time. But then again he is crazy as a loon.
Hang in there. It will all come out in the wash.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Wh- just to clarify. My h has been living out of the home since December. Our joint account was the "dumping ground for our agreed financial responsibilities. When H left, we split all the cash accounts down the middle, so honestly, who knows how much (or little) money H has.
I get constant phone messages from his creditors (for his bills exclusively) that he past due. I am just surprised that he would pay our joint debt and ignore his own. Seems fishy. He is definitely up to something.
So I have decided to not touch said monies at all with this court case looming...it is at the end of the month and I think I can hold out until then. I really want the judge to give h the what for. Keeps me clean so to speak.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Also, he sent me two text today...one about the money and one about his late arrival of picking up the kids. I think it is in my best interest to go dark on him right now and maybe permanently, so I didn't respond to either and probably won't respond to any future ones. I actually felt okay with that decision. I was normally just delaying my responses, but now, I am thinking he is up to something ... I have even resorted to just shooing the kids out the door when he picks them up. Before I would greet him and then get the boys...try to keep it light and friendly... but with all the drama that is going on I see no need for him to even see that I exist.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
B, I wish we lived close by so I could give you a big hug, a cup of tea and lots of words of encouragement. I sense the most painful part right now is your boys being around OW and how it seems she is trying to take your place. Please know, that can never happen. There's only one, B.
OW can't hold a candle to you as a wife, a mom or a woman. Who know's why your H is with her at the moment, but whatever it is that R is all about him. She'll be working herself into a pretzel to please him and keep him. She sees how he has treated you. She could be next. She will be insecure and jealous of the family and life that you created with him. She won't have that.
B, your boys are likely trying to accept your H on his terms because they want his love and approval. It's too painful for them to be without. One thing I do believe is that the more people who love our kids the better off they will be. That doesn't mean OW, at least not right now. I haven't had to deal with OW yet, but the thought of it makes me sick. When she and xh were buying a house his attorney had the nerve to demand over night visits once a week. It really felt like I was being replaced in every way, like I was slowly being squeezed out. OW had my H, they were buying a home while trying to force a sale of mine and then they wanted to play family with my kids. I was hysterical. It was truly a low point.
Like you, my xh and I continued to use a joint account. He deposited my support and I paid the mortgage, etc. He also kept tabs on me which I didn't like. When my account was low he would offer extra money or criticize me depending on his mood. He used that knowledge as a reason to contact me. Once I opened an account in my own name I felt more secure.
You are wise to keep communication at a minimum for now. Things were so emotionally charged between you that a cooling off period will hopefully create some peace. When needed choose your response instead of reacting. I know, easier said than done. Like a teenager, your H is testing your boundaries and trying to get a reaction out of you. Stand firm and push back every time, kindly and lovingly. Through those actions trust and respect can be built. This is your edge, B. OW will have no boundaries. She is desperate. That will get old. You can be the calm in the storm. This is so hard. I have really struggled with this to the point I felt I needed to cut all communication so I coud get my bearings once again. We both can do this, for ourselves and our kids.
Here's a song for you that really helps when I feel low. I hope it speaks to you too. You can hear the full version on youtube.
Already There
From where I'm standing Lord it's so hard for me to see Where this is going And where You're leading me I wish I knew how All my fears and all my questions Are gonna play out In a world I can't control
Oh, oh
When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there
Oh, oh, oh, oh
From where You're standing Lord, You see a grand design That You imagined When You breathed me into life And all the chaos Comes together in Your hands Like a masterpiece Of Your picture perfect plan When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there
One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived I can't wait to enjoy the view And see how all the pieces fit [x2]
One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived Cause You're already there You're already there When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there
Thanks GM - Your words really soothed my soul. You have an excellent handle on where I am, and gave me some clarity too!
Deep down I know I can't be replaced. But surface, shallow, things are eating me alive. I know I need to let go more when it comes to the kids. I don't like seeing them in pain and hurt, but I am stepping back and letting them go through this their way. This is my next step on this journey.
My boys are my world. Sometimes I think that this may have also destroyed my marriage. Maybe I put them first a lot. But I don't regret that, but it does sadden me that maybe H and I weren't compatible with this morale.
My boys are now in the sarcastic comment stage of dealing with this sitch. I laugh internally sometimes at the things that come out of their mouths about their feelings on H, but try to turn their negatives into positives.
I forget what exactly my S10 said yesterday, but it was something like "Mom, it seems Dad likes his new life, but NEVER smiles anymore" I asked "He never smiles?" He says "NO,NEVER."
I find that may be telling. My kids make me smile just seeing them. Can he be that unhappy that not even his children can make smile? Smiling requires so little effort, but has a big impact.
GM - You said something like " I so wanted to be one of the lucky ones and come out of this with my family intact." I too am hoping for this. Some days my feeling of this is more, sometimes it is less. As Snodderly would say "I waiver"...a lot!
The more we go, the more I know in my heart that their is something wrong with him (ie MLC, depression, etc.). In my heart I can't believe that this is the typical way a marriage breaks down and ends. Maybe I am wrong, but it is what I believe at the moment.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
The more we go, the more I know in my heart that their is something wrong with him (ie MLC, depression, etc.). In my heart I can't believe that this is the typical way a marriage breaks down and ends. Maybe I am wrong, but it is what I believe at the moment.
You're not wrong. Cadet tells us over and over that the marriage was never the problem. Snodderly tells us that we didn't break them, and can't fix 'em.
My W even once told me she knows she's had a great life, and should be thankful and happy. Yet she's still searching for something... something to fill that emptiness deep in her soul.
MLC is an affliction of the affluent... people who seem to have the most. People struggling to survive don't get hit with this stuff. No time or place for it. I read somewhere that it is even more likely to hit those who had the best marriages, and the more I read, the more I believe this to be true.
Bust On my friends!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
B, like you my boys are my world. Xh was too. I felt like taking care of them and our home was the best job in the world.
Stepping back is hard. I haven't needed to yet since xh doesn't see the boys but they are starting counseling and I will need to let the counselor and boys decide on the R with xh.
My boys have told me that xh never smiles either. What's with these two? They are living the way they want with OW. S16 has said that xh is a shell of the person he used to be and is a very depressed version of himself.
Quite a few MLCers tell what's going on inside their minds. It's really interesting to read those accounts. Xh hasn't said anything to me that indicates he feels he's troubled. Has yours?
