isle of wight - lucky you. I alwasy wanted to go there. we traveled ALOT_- it was alwsy sooo fun & wonderful times for years & years. why it means more to me than h- i cannot say. i could easily make myself cry this moment, but not gonna go there.
the whole "letting go" of our old m & r thing. it's awful, i feel it too. i remember and probably "cling" to those memories.
how in the world we just tra la forward & never give it a thought - well, impossible of course. little by little a day or afternoon comes when i don't remember past or give it a thought. it's sad, but i guess good too. every stinking morning it's the first thing that pops into my mind tho-
that's a bummer- bad start & i immediately drink a ton of coffee- get going - shove my brain back down there - and get busy- BUT - it's an unreal way to live. i think it's the only thing one can do tho- or you'd lay in yoru bed bleeding all day every day and cease to exist. i guess that's why people become alcoholics, or kill themselves. (a quick "fix" to a big long problem? some fix huh? destroying self to dull the pain)
anyway- not a viable one for us i think...
i GUESS HONESTLY (and since no possible OTHER realistic choice - - - - I'M GOING TO trust to the old adage that time heels all wounds and just keep plugging away. even when i've got no particular faith in fact of ever feeling really happy again- you know, "that" kinda happy- cherished, the object of someone's desire/life -
we don't seem to have a choice. MAN - DO i hate saying that out loud- however, in this, no power, no choice, no nothin.
we can't even (take a page from their book) and run out and get boinked and find some jerk that will 'LOVE US MADLY' immediately.
our normal brains would kick in and say it's , of course, just a sham and a bandaid on a broken heart. all true-
i got nothin but OH WELL - i'm jealous of your trip- someday i sure hope we become philosophical- sufficiently scabbed over that we don't feel the pain (or it's become rectified by a new r w/ h or someone who is 'REAL LOVE" in our lives.
ASIDE FROM that - what else have we got here? or to do here on this stupid planet???
you've got kids, i've got a few neic3es i love - i guess we can only hone in on those we have to love and put our caring there- and keep movin - somewhere - anywhere. like a sharke and woody allen in annie hall - rite? have to keep movin or die and we've got a dying shark on our hands????
idk- i'm pretty dreary old sock this morning- kind of washed over by the sadness of meaning nothing to this jerk (well, feeling like it). he says otherwise- i think his actions speak louder than his words.
perhaps in his mind paying bills and NOT tossing me out of his life is caring- me, i'd have thought letting me off some hook rather than years of pain were caring- who the heck knows what is in anyone's heart? maybe they are screwed up and this is not the "real " them. maybe not- maybe we just kind of "misread" 38 years (that doesn't even sound possible to me - BUT HEY???)
ANYWAY- your trip - yay. enjoy it - Ilove England . it's my fantasy place to run away to- some little town that has not yet reached the max 21st century lifestyle that is (i sometimes think) destroying the fabric of american values, families & lives. i know- an easy thing for ME TO BLAME IT ON -
THO i do wonder. peopoel incapable of a conversation - only one line texts, etc. i worry about it- but again- POWERLESS>
THAT is the hard thing to accept - NO POWER OVER ALL THIS- must just ride alone and see what the tide throws up here.
oh man- hardest thing i ever did - LET GO.... working on that.
maybe it will be useful when we're ancient as hell and need to realize we're going to die soon and need to LET GO because, lets face it- it comes to us all??? so, ick! that doesn't sound like much of a consolation - does it? gonna fight like hell like my mother??? idk
i'm goin over to neroland and see what's cooking.
hope your day is okay- hope you're okay- i'm gonna go blow down to the shore for a couple days. heart's not in it- but it's SOMETHING and that's better than nothin and see my neice up from VA with her baby- we love babi4s!!! so much "hope" in a baby & so much happiness... gonna suck some up & remember -
what a sad sack - did i just say that- made myself smile here at what a pitiful sorroful sack of you know what i am this a.m.-
where's that gallon of coffee- car keys- throw the pile of crappola in room in a bit so don't see when i come back and hit the road-
xxoo hang on man- we can surely do this- why would we want to just "give up" on self & remain like this forever????? we are NOT merely wounded animals - we can prevail (in the end) whenever the hell that is... i'm pretty darn sure (well me anyway- i do not want to spend alot more of my life feeling like THIS - TOTALLY f/d up and not liking it one bit. the best revenge is going to be doing what even i think i can't - move the heck on and get a stinking (happy)life........
