Oh I forgot to comment. He told the kids and me he was "done" with OW and that is why she did all of those hurtful things but he "relapsed" with her a couple of weeks ago and still has contact but not sure if physical contact since that day.
Of course he didn't tell the kids that. They think he stopped and he still is having contact with her. So, he is still lying to the girls. D21 asked to see the text messages but I said no. I told her that I forwarded them to h and if he wants to show them to her it can be up to him. I want to keep the kids out of it as much as possible.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Really giving H the space he has asked for. Barely talked to him in the last 2 weeks and when I do (because of the kids or something) he is usually still really bitter. I don't think he has been this angry for this long in quite a while.
I did finally have to tell D16 about the A and boy was he mad. He told D21 and D19 on his terms. A couple of times I thought D16 overheard me or the other kids or someone talking and I realized it would not be good for her to overhear that it should come from one of her parents or both.
She is mad, mad mad at h and now he blames me, of course. He says I just blurted it out which of course he doesn't know because he wasn't there.
He hasn't talked to me again about being "done" but he has told this to D21. It's funny because D21 doesn't want to talk about it but it seems like her and h talk about it all of the time.
D21 and I had a rocky relationship for a while. Her and h became really close and she tends to side with anything h says. Our relationship is much better now but I think she will always see h's side in everything. Although I did tell her that I thought h was mlc and she said "yeah you know I thought that he might be too".
So who knows. I just know I'm tired of being blamed for his unhappiness and his A. I'm tired of hearing how horrible of a person I have been for 26 years of marriage. I'm thinking why did we have 3 kids then?
I did start going back to church with my neighbor. I had stopped going years ago, mainly because I was always busy running the kids to games or out of town. I have to admit that I was very angry at what was happening to me. I guess now I'm thinking I have to get back to the things that I have always believed in and hopefully he will help steer me in the right direction.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Hi comp. This is really hurtful stuff you're being forced to deal with, isn't it?
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I was there by myself and she (mc) told me that H had done a lot of thinking and he is done.
No one knows if H is done, not even him.
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Really giving H the space he has asked for. Barely talked to him in the last 2 weeks and when I do (because of the kids or something) he is usually still really bitter. I don't think he has been this angry for this long in quite a while.
You're doing the right thing right now by staying out of his way. Realize that if he has given up OW, he is going through withdrawal, and will be for a while. Even if he hasn't totally given her up, his anger would seem to point to the fact that he realizes she is not his magic ticket to his happiness after all.
Stay on your path and take care of yourself. You WILL get through this, and if H is still there at the end of his search for answers, WILL have a better M.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks for stopping by FY. Yes this is very hurtful stuff. Totally unlike the old H too.
Another crazy day with H. I am off on Fridays and I did some stuff around the house, afterall I'm doing everything myself now that 2 of us used to do, and then I sat out in the pool about an hour and a half.
I think he gets info from D21 because they are pretty close and he texts "must be nice to be sitting in the pool" and " you win D21 and I will play golf another day". I told him I offered to change plans to celebrate my bday didn't she tell you? He kept texting.
Finally I said "if all you are going to do is cut me down please leave me alone. Then I said if you can't say something nice then don't say it at all. My mom used to use that line on us kids when we were younger. lol. Thought it was appropriate since he's acting like a kid.
He made another comment a little while later and I never replied.
He has never been able to forgive or forget. This is part of the reason we are in this predicament.
How much long is this anger going to go on?
What I don't understand is we were getting along pretty good and he was coming around the house more often. I actually thought he was going to try and work things out. Then we had the Father's Day issue and a couple of mom's not being nice to him because of the A and boy did he get angry. Back to everything being my fault yada, yada yada. That's when mc said go back to giving him more space when he said he was done.
Don't know if he has seen an L yet or if he is just acting mean. I won't initiate it.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Your goal is to be able to say "Another new normal day with H". Getting through a MLC takes time, if you're struggling like mad every day you'll never make it. Figure out how to make this work for you. Everyone is different. Having said that, a bad day (or few) is normal, so don't fret that.
I am off on Fridays and I did some stuff around the house, afterall I'm doing everything myself now that 2 of us used to do, and then I sat out in the pool about an hour and a half.
You just keep yourself busy, one way or another. Hanging out in the pool is great too!
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My h is in an incredibly mean stage right now and I'm not all all convinced that he has given up OW. I think he tried to but I know he has had at least one relapse with her and I wouldn't doubt if he is fully back to her now that we haven't been getting along.
He's mean because he is in immense pain. Even OW has not made him happy.
Do not allow yourself to be drawn into fights with him. Leave the room, hang up the phone, or ignore the texts if you have too. You can't control what he does, but you can control how you respond to it. Keep posting.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY---my h too has reverted to being mean and angry again. There was a time (like in Complicated) situation where he seemed to be working through things and we were getting along, at least civilly.
I am going to use the advice you gave to Comp as well.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I am trying not to be drawn in and I am getting better again. I have noticed when I stop responding after a couple texts he stops.
I can't believe he is still SO angry. I don't know that he has ever been in an angry stage so long. I really thought he was starting to move along his mlc.
I think when things were better I let down my guard a little and maybe pursued a little. Then anything I do that he considers "the old me" he goes off and says "you haven't changed a bit". Then he goes back to blaming the A on me and everything else bad that has ever happened in his life.
I said on someone else's thread that I hope my h isn't going to be one of those that never makes it through.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Why can't they see how flawed they (OP) are and how wonderful we are. After all, we have stood for them this whole time waiting for them to get their brain back.
Because, they are unhappy with their old life and we represent a big part of that. OP's are new and exciting... for a while anyways. Even MLC'ers without actual OP's, almost certainly have fantasy OP's.
I have been doing this a long time. Probably about 3 years or so. This place has been a godsend. I was pretty much at the end of my rope when I found it.
So you were here under another name before this?
Mostly I just read what everyone has to say. I'm still working through this with H so I hate to give much advice.
Don't sell yourself short. If you've been DB for 3 years, you most certainly have much to offer.
Sometimes I wonder if he will be one of the ones that doesn't make it through.
Why even worry about that now? It's negative thinking and doesn't help you in any way. I'd say it even makes it MORE likely it will happen.
I have one close bud who I've confided in with on our sitch. He "gets it" and is very helpful in keeping me focused. One time, when I was explaining to him what I would do if I learned my W was involved in an A, he stopped me cold.
"What are you worrying about that for?". "Don't even think about that, it's not helping you at all. It only puts you in a bad place and doesn't help you or your M." "Focus on the positive and make the best of each day. Don't waste your time imagining the worst."
Good thing he's a dude or I'd have kissed him!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I am trying not to be drawn in and I am getting better again. I have noticed when I stop responding after a couple texts he stops.
Right! It takes two to argue. He'll quickly learn that you refuse to engage when he starts giving you his crap.
I can't believe he is still SO angry. I don't know that he has ever been in an angry stage so long. I really thought he was starting to move along his mlc.
I think when things were better I let down my guard a little and maybe pursued a little. Then anything I do that he considers "the old me" he goes off and says "you haven't changed a bit". Then he goes back to blaming the A on me and everything else bad that has ever happened in his life.
And then you defend yourself and the game is on. Am I right? DON"T ENGAGE WITH HIS RAGE! He'll tire of the game if you refuse to play.
Always remember to reward positive behavior. Thank him when appropriate. Do little things to show him you appreciate something he did or said.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I can't believe he is still SO angry. I don't know that he has ever been in an angry stage so long.
Hi complicated,
I understand completely what you mean. Mine is soo angry still it seems humanly impossible. Have seen a difference in the anger tho.
It's different every time, but it seems at times to fizzle out, or to end w confusion, or sound repetitive as if he has no new material.
FY- left some really good advise I am going to take along as well. I know H sometimes just likes to see if I want to come out and play, and when I don't his anger manages to pass.
Enjoy your pool side rest as often as possible, us midwesterners have a very short lived opportunity for sun
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
