One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

Oh man T I'm thinking if FIL opens his mouth with even a hint of "what is wrong with you" all hell will break loose. This is how I see that going:

Me: H, really listen to what you dad is saying, and when he is done, repeat back what you heard him say.
FIL: You've are lucky to be where you are and I can't believe you abandoned your family like my father did to me. Get your act together. You have a great life and have no idea what real depression is.
H: F*** you! What about you, Dad?!
(Insert John Bender's scene in Breakfast Club.)
Me:FIL, is what H repeated back what you meant to say? Do you have anything to add to it, or correct?

Okay not that bad, but the imagery came to mind and made me laugh. I had to paint it for you.

I think I could jump in like that and keep things calm and make sure each is being heard, but actually having one of them start the convo, I don't know if that will happen. I might be able to get FIL to if I tell him some things like H having a hard time with x,y,z and it would help him if he could resolve those things and be heard about them. How can it happen without me instigating anything? Maybe if when H brings up something relevant I can say to him he really needs to resolve things with his dad. Three months is a lot of time to plant some seeds. I think I like that route better. Rather H is not mad at me for pulling strings with his dad or anyone.

FIL is a big drinker. I think he uses it to numb. H doesn't drink at all, cause he knows that's why he would. In the end of this, the addiction to the bottle might be harder to drop than the addiction to the boob. (See what I did there? With the whole baby vs mlc addiction play on words?)

If having them here gets too big for my britches and shovels, I'll just tell them to head to Vegas, and don't worry, I'll stay back and watch the kids. "No, no it's okay. I really want to go, but I want you guys to have a good time..."

I think he is getting there too, slowly. But I guess it wouldn't be a crisis if it was fast and easy. Fast and easy is what is keeping him in crisis. Yes, that was yet another other woman joke (yaowj). Ba doom ching!

Thanks for the props. I think so highly of you, T. It means a lot!

[TSquared2]

lol Raine, you crack me up...

You know, fathers and sons sometimes have this dynamic that seems to involve a huge "head butt" at some point to get each one to realize that they are both NOW men, with their own paths, and male way of doing things. I had that with my Dad. But now I get my Dad, he gets me and we can leave each other to our own manly paths:

I just say to the Colonel "So, would Prussian military tactics be useful in modern warfare?"

The Colonel, "No, of course not..."

Me, "Exactly"

The Colonel, "You should do X"

Me, "I'm sorry that you feel that way"...

And my oldest and I had quite a few head butts. Now, my son and I now have an excellent, deep, and honest R...but during that head butt time poor W was at such a loss, being the smoother-overer of all things...I finally told her it was a man thing, but she couldn't help herself, it is in her Mom nature...

At the end of the day, their R is their responsibility, but you can have some influence, behind the scenes...you said it best:

Maybe if when H brings up something relevant I can say to him he really needs to resolve things with his dad. Three months is a lot of time to plant some seeds. I think I like that route better. Rather H is not mad at me for pulling strings with his dad or anyone.

See, you're a natural!

T^2

[RosaLinda]

You're too funny Raine! Your rendition of the probable diaIog betwwen your H and his dad if you try to interceed with T's suggestions for reflective listening is hilarious. Sad but so funny at the same time. And I laughed when I read "I felt this electric, oh my gosh he touched me. And then I laughed at myself inside that something like that was all it took. Maybe I'm back in HS too?" The other day when I was leaving for work my H reached out his hand and I said "cheez he's going to shake hands goodbye" to myself. But he held my hand in both of his for a few seconds, and my heart did that I-love-you-so-much flip. I often feel like my H acts like an 11th grader, but maybe you're right and we're back in HS too, having a crush on a dorky MLCer

I'm so glad that your H has softened up and seems worried that any wrong move and you'll ask him to leave. He SHOULD be protective of you and concerned about your feelings. It is sort of surprising that he is able to describe that "fog," but my H has told me things, described feelings (like his descriptions of his depression I told you about) and then afterwards denies he ever said it!!! But I'm so glad that Wonka thinks your H might be waking up out of his fog. The fact that he is even aware that you HAVE feelings seems to point to it too. What a relief!!

Your H's description of his new crowd of friends is pretty interesting. They probably show him a lot of respect and make him feel important, like a bunch of 9th graders looking up to a senior at MLC High. "What better way to feel better about yourself than to be around people you feel superior to?" I think this works when it comes to OW too!

"I think he is getting there too, slowly. But I guess it wouldn't be a crisis if it was fast and easy. Fast and easy is what is keeping him in crisis. Yes, that was yet another other woman joke (yaowj). Ba doom ching!" 

Yowsers! We all think pretty highly of YOU Rainey!

[Takevowsserious]

Hey, count me in on the Raine fan club too!

I had to chuckle when you mentioned the addiction to the boob! Oh so true. Though if you ask me, I think our MLCers are acting like a couple of boobs!!!(should we develop an MLC binky to help break them of this addiction? I shudder to think what the female version would look like LOL!!!!)

I think anytime your H chooses to open up to you, it is a good thing. I imagine them trying to put their thoughts and feelings into words can be a pretty daunting task with all the confusion in their minds.

I recall a fight H and I had about 1 1/2 months post- bomb when I found an 8x10 picture of he and OW in his golf bag. (Yet of course I was the bad guy because I was snooping!) Anyway, he told me a lot of things about how he was feeling. One of the things he said is that he wants to be around people who make him feel good about himself.

They don't want the true friends who might question them or hold that mirror up to show them how they're really acting. Only those that are willing to take the trip to la la land with them will do!

You're doing great Raine, keep that awesome sense of humor along the way

[uRworthy]

Ok Raine, this time I spit out my water. Too funny.

I think you are exactly right. Better to plant seeds in your H's brain about his father.

Even without jello MLC brain, I think men have some difficulty having someone interfere in their relationships with their parents.

And I think the father-son adult relationship is a tricky one.

Add in MLC, alcohol and rocky past stuff and oh boy - volatile, right?

T, an MLC binky - hmmmm. I am going to add it to my new MLC line - along with the MLC patience shovel, OW phone and webcam clothes and caskets.

Look at me - an entrepenaur.

Keep going, Raine. You got this.

[Wonka]

I came across a batch of funny jokes, letters that an old friend of my father's sent to him over the years. There was one section about MLC that I thought I'd post just for a good chuckle.

Cure for a Mid-Life Crisis

After being married for many years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said---"Honey, many years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year old gal.

"Now I have a $500,000 home, and a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 53-year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

[Raine]

Oh my holy...I almost broke. I almost just completely broke.

So great that my last posts states its been several weeks without an accident. So of course it will happened today right? I told H I need to get some stuff from the store tonight since his friends are coming over. He says he doesn't want to go with. I say that's great and tell him I'll go in an hour. He comes upstairs an hour later and says he'll go. I said I'm all ready I can come with and he says no no, he can so we don't need to deal with the kids. Big red flag. I take all the kids to the store with me alone. They're always great. So yup 15 min visit to ow1. I'm so annoyed. And the thought that pops in my head is don't be here when he gets home. I pack the kids in the car and take off. No way is he coming home to a waiting wife. I go and grab movies with the kids so it looks normal. I read wonka's post and think yeah, you better believe it. That is so how I feel. It's funny cause its true!

So H gets home. He calls. I ignore. He calls again a few mins later and he is in a panic. "Where are you?! Why didn't you text? I thought you were here and I pull up and you're gone." I just said sorry I went to grab movies. I'm coming down the street now. He said its okay but he was panicy still. I cant remember exactly what he said. I was caught off by how panicy he was. Get home and he comes right out. He would have been home about 10 mins based on the calls. He won't look at me. He helps the kids in and brings stuff in from his car. He has been home the whole time and hasn't done that yet. He won't look at me. He then goes and sits on the couch to watch TV. Normally he'd try and help me get food ready. I tell him sorry I upset him and he stiffens up and says its fine. Not a big deal.

So here it is. I went to the bathroom and saw my phone had a voicemail. It was h from the first time he called. The phone must have been in his pocket or not near him, because it was muffled a lot. He didn't hang up and thought he had. He is hysterically crying. All I hear is the f word over and over. It goes on for a minute and then drops.

He needed that. Whatever the reason is I felt to leave, he needs to know that reality is coming if he can't pull it together.

[uRworthy]

Ah Raine, he is spiraling, starting to lose it a bit. It is all catching up with him, all getting to him.

I'm thinking that you are going to see some stuff. Some anger, maybe, some fear.

Time for you to dig in here. Get out the shovel.

You can do this. We are here.

[Takevowsserious]

Sorry you had to deal with that Raine

Sometimes I feel like they can only hold it together for so long, then BANG - they revert back to craziness.

I do believe though, that it's all part of them working their way through. They're going to be up, down, and all around.

Deep down, he KNOWS what he has with you, knows how lucky he is to have you as his wife, knows how lucky he is to have your beautiful family.

So the confusion for him might be... Why aren't I happy? Why can't I stop myself from needing the OW?

I see it too, my H spiraling down, down, down.

I've come to believe rock bottom may not be such a bad destination for these guys. Maybe after visiting there, they'll be ready to work their way back.

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you

[reachingHigher]

I'm so sorry, Raine. That must have been so painful. How do you know when he does these visits? Is it better for you to know? Or would it be better for you to not know and live in ignorance?

It is so hard when they are moving along a little and then backing up a little. But each time they are moving a little farther forward, and a little less backward. And you are there as the rock all the time.

He is still powerfully connected with you. He needs you and wants you. But there's a lot of garbage in his head still.

I agree with Tvs and uRw, take care of yourself and be prepared for more out of control emotion from him as he works it through.

Thinking of you too
rH