OK, really need some insight about WAW, or from a WAW - or even a WAH if you have some insight.
Today was a mixed bag. I did fine in my LRT and DBing, but there was a big snag in the situation.
WHAT SHE DID: My wife had texted this morning asking if she could come visit the cat. I went out to the library because I had a lot of work to do, and figured she'd appreciate the time alone here. I took my DR book, but left my notebook next to my keyboard with the drawer pushed in.
Well, she snooped. She left me a note saying she saw my notebook and she found it creepy and it shows I'm not listening. Then followed more about how EA/OM is such a great guy (Unlike the OM from last time, who she said was a total jerk but she had played it up so I wouldn't think she "was a loser."). How she and this OM have tons in common, talk for hours, etc. But he doesn't take advantage, and takes it SLOW. Never quite uses the L word. Also said his ex was "verbally abusive, like me." She said I should hate her and if someone's in love, they wouldn't be looking somewhere else. No mention of D or further talk about separating finances, etc. or what we need to do about our 2 house situation and me needing a car, etc. (we were supposed to be moving before I hired the wrong painter for the new house - the OM). :-(
Believe me, I do know that I'm responsible in large part for her looking. If I wasn't a work-from-home recluse, I may have been the WAH. That's the only reason I'm not a quivering mass of tears over that (I've had a few breakdowns, but....)
As for my notes, I had only used the DB initials - never mentioned the book or site by name. I doubt she memorized everything in there, but I'm sure DB notes do look a bit creepy to the WAW. I wish to God I'd taken that notebook with me.
So the nagging questions. She has been adamant about me not snooping/stalking, but she obviously snoops every chance she gets. What does she care? Why did she first say "maybe I shouldn't trust her" and now "you should hate me?" If I am so bad, why the guilt?
WHAT I DID: I read the note, felt very sad, and simply texted her "I don't hate you."
I didn't mention the notes. I wanted to defend them, but realized I couldn't. I'm sure she didn't memorize every word. She knows I'm in counseling and should figure they're a part of that - which they are, even if DBing isn't associated with my therapist. I didn't mention all the things we do have in common. I most certainly didn't mention the OM, or the pain of being a LBS, etc. etc.
I'm at a loss. I don't know if I can last beyond the infatuation point of her relationship with this OM. I want to try, but.... I don't know how much I can take. I hate living in this crappy house in the sticks. I have to work here, too, and there's no place to walk safely around here, which is my best GAL activity - it's exercise and meditation all at once. We're in limbo with most of our stuff packed up and the house she's in unfinished. It's all I can do to stay focused and employed.
