This is a REAL oldie, Bonnie Raitt! We've been talking about what is required to truly LET IT GO and detach. I'm hoping that when I am truly able to lay it all down, I'll finally feel the power!
I can't make you love me if you don't You can't make your heart feel something it won't Here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power But you won't, no you won't 'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
The conversation where I tried to get H to leave with RT occurred the day he gave me BD #2, April 12 2013. I had forgotten about this site during his period of sanity, and was definitely NOT DBing. In fact I did everything as badly as I did back at DB#1 on Jan 9 2010. I was so broken hearted Beatrice, but honestly wanted him to be happy. I was such an idiot, instead of just letting it go, I actually tried to find a way for him to make his "dream" come true. Such a dope.
[color:#3333FF]My friend, you are so hard on yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Now you know better, so you are doing better.
This is such tough stuff, Linda and we love so deeply. Letting go also means letting go of the past, so that you can move forward in the future.
Who knows what will happen on this trip or even if the trip will happen? And you are wasting valuable time thinking about it instead of working on you, sweetie. You have a wonderful trip planned. Start researching places you'd like to go. Go buy some new clothes.
And it doesnt hurt for him to see you excited, ya know? wink
I know how hard and hurtful it is to be in the same house with them and treated as if you are the hired help. It succcks, big time. Eventually, you will start to get to a place where you are just living your life without regard to what he is doing or not doing.
To help me get there, I used to practice. I did. I would say to myself, when I go in the house, if he is there in his freakin chair, I am walking in and going to do my thing. I would challenge myself to do it in a way that showed I am living my life, mista, and you are missing out. LOL!
Know what happened for me? I really began to believe it. He was missing out, because I was awesome. smile While he was sitting in that chair waiting for her to text, I was growing and learning and finding myself. Him, not so much.
After awhile, ok it was a long while (lol), I didnt have to give myself that talk. You will get there, sweetie. I just know it.
UW, I remember you talking about that chairs in old threads - you hated that chair - weren't you ready to drag it into the driveway and burn it? Lol!!!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T, that chair is looonnnng gone! Funny story. Xh came by to see son not too long ago. He usually meets him somewhere, dont remember why he came to my house.
Anyway, he was standing outside waiting - looking like a lost sheep. I went to the door, asked if he wanted to come in.
First thing he says - I kid you not - what happened to the chair?
It was all I could do to not howl with laughter, I swear.
I just looked him in the eye and said, "Oh why, did you want it", smiling ever so sweetly.
He said, "Um no, it was kinda new and really comfortable. Why'd you get rid of it?"
And then I waited for it. Stood there with my smile.
Thank you uR you are very kind "This is such tough stuff, Linda and we love so deeply. Letting go also means letting go of the past, so that you can move forward in the future."
It's the past that's hard to let go of, I think. You know, how my H used to treat me in the past. He still has moments when I can see his old self, many many moments every day, almost like a light bulb flickering on and off. It is very disconcerting. But I need to learn to accept the bulb being on or off on his terms for now, and certainly not to expect that damn bulb to stay lit from one moment to the next. He makes more of an effort to be sociable with other people, but isn't completely successful even there.
So....you're right. Worrying about about what may or may not happen on his trip is a ridiculous waste of time and energy. Worrying about RT's nefarious plans is a waste of time. Worrying about how he'll act or feel when he returns is sapping my energy and happiness. What will be will be. I can just trust God and continue to do the best I can.
I have been researching hotels and things to do in London. It looks like a lot of fun! I heard an airplane crashed or set fire there but don't think there's much chance of that happening twice in two months. My friend lives on the Isle of Wight and claims there's a lot to do there too, including eating in cute pubs (good!) and shopping (better!) and looking at the beautiful scenery. There are castles and gardens and museums and a donkey sanctuary, a vineyard, manor houses. And....golf. Grrrrr no golf TVS!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I do know exactly what you mean, Linda. It is hard to remember what once was and to think it might not ever be again.
The thing of it is, that no matter what happens, your old marriage is gone. But that doesnt mean that a new, stronger marriage isnt possible in the future. There is always that hope.
That's why I always say to put your marriage and the memories safely in a box. No one can take them away from you.
The Isle of Wright sounds glorious. So very happy for you. Really and truly.
My xh and I talked about all the travels we were going to do. And sometimes I get sad because I dont think I will ever be in a position financially to do much of it. And that is one of the things I love most in the world, seeing other places. But then I think, there is always hope.
Linda, Take comfortable clothes and walking shoes. There is a lot to see and do. The pubs are fun and the food is great in them. You'll have to do some afternoon "tea times" too. Plenty of museums and castles to go around. History is everywhere. Just be sure that if you are standing on the curb you look for cars in the right direction or you'll get hit! LOL! I love it across the "pond".
As for letting go, yes, it is tough work, but in the end, it's the only thing that you can do at the time. It's not giving up, it's just another way of getting on w/your life while your spouse is growing up. Each individual will learn how to let go in their own time. It doesn't happen in a day and/or month, but gradually. In some cases, you don't even realize you've done it until one day you wake up and realize that you aren't reacting to the mlcer's nonsense like you use to. I have faith in you. You will get there when the time is right. For now, you are right where you need to be.
I'm very happy that you've made your reservations and are going across the "pond". You will definitely enjoy yourself. If you opt to purchase some things, ship them home if you don't have room in your luggage. When I travel, I usually take one fold up piece of luggage and fill it. If that one is full, I ship the rest home and by the time I arrive home, my packages arrive a day or so later.
Look to the future and know that God is watching over you and your h and he will take care of both of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh uR, this is a hard truth. "I do know exactly what you mean, Linda. It is hard to remember what once was and to think it might not ever be again. The thing of it is, that no matter what happens, your old marriage is gone. But that doesnt mean that a new, stronger marriage isnt possible in the future. There is always that hope." My marriage is dead. My H's love for me is dead.
I'll still have my happy memories, ss you say, but there's a chance that he'll always remember me as the lying cheating bitch who stole the best years of his youth from him.
Thanks for your encouragement too Snodderly. And for making me laugh Mz. J, at the thought of visiting a donkey sanctuary filled with braying MLCers! Like those hooligans in Pinnocchio!
I'm going to start practicing too, uR, mentally rehearsing how to act and what to say before I see him. Between that and snapping my elastic Snodderly band on my wrist as a reminder, I should be in good shape in no time! Thanks!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
