"Your alternative response is pretty close to right on. The differences are irrelevant. I'm afraid that halfway through my saying that, H would have just heard, "blah... blah... blah... criticism... blah... blah... blah. superiority... blah... blah... blah... and shut down. "
So what? Why are you predicting and controlling his response? IF he were to respond in that manner, THEN you could respond in an authentic way: "H, I'm trying so hard to share my feelings and it is scary. It seems to me that you are checking out and I feel very abandoned by you and even more hopeless about our R."
Actually, there are lots of ways to try to change this. You could by a journal, label it "Conversation in our Marriage," and on page one write: "H, I'm lucky that you are better at forgiving than I am. Let me try our earlier conversation again. This is scary for me, and I find this way of sharing less threatening and it allows me to be less reactive."
Or you could email the same thing.
Or you could talk to him.
Suppose he replies: "What do you want me to do?"
That seems a very loving question. Why are you scared of it? How would you answer? How can he meet your needs if you don't know them yourself?
More important, is there anything he COULD do? Methinks not, or very little. The place to start is with you working to be in a healthier place out of denial.
As for logic, your misdirection tactics will not work with me. But, you might notice that your 50% argument works just as well for H as it does for you, which is not very well (logically speaking). Yet, I'd be much more attracted to and interested in a person who looked at what it took to make 50% of marriages healthy, loving, happy, vibrant partnerships than the one interested in exploiting the other side of the argument to stay stuck, withholding, and punishing.
"Would it have been alright if I simply responded, "Yes, that's correct, I don't you to garden with me", and have that be the end of the discussion?"
Sure, nothing wrong with acknowledging that you don't like to garden with him. I guess that could have been the end of the discussion, but why would you want to shut that down rather than exploring it further if he wanted to?
Try to get back to a humble place. It is the most healing place to be. Hugs.
