New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[MrBond]

Have the two of you ever discussed C? You need to come up with a roadmap to get out of the place you're in.

And when it comes to the sex, that's what YOU want. Not her. So you are going to have to go according to her pace.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks for the advice Mr Bond, my wife has flatly refused to speak to a C and i have to probably agree with her i am not that keen on it either we have always worked through our problems together so a C is not an option.
You are right about the sex and i just need to learn to be patient
I managed to discuss with her last night how we moves things along and it didnt go the way i had hoped, she seen it as 'pressure' to get things back to normal when she isnt quite ready for sharing a bed etc she thinks that we are doing just fine as we are laughing/talking and enjoying each others comapny and the rest will happen naturally in time. I could see she was getting mildly annoyed with the conversation and it hit a bit of a dead end but to fair to her she left the room for 10 minutes (i thought that she had gone to bed angry) but came back for us to clear the air which we did and both seen each others side, this was great as previously we would have let it slide and the resentment would build up. Again this morning she was very happy that we cleared the air and she said she was looking forward to the weekend together starting tonight, she said that since clearing the air last night she didnt feel pressured now and could see my side but again said it will take time and happen naturally.
All in all not a bad end although i wish i hadnt brought it up in the first place as i worry i might have undone a couple of weeks good work, i guess i need to learn some patience!!!!
Its funny 2 months ago i would have given my right arm to have been in this position but now i am finally here as usual i am trying for more and probably too quickly.

Thanks again!!

[MrBond]

"Thanks for the advice Mr Bond, my wife has flatly refused to speak to a C and i have to probably agree with her i am not that keen on it either we have always worked through our problems together "

And isn't that what landed the two of you here? What you don't seem to get is that you need a third party to bring out any issues that you CAN'T say to one another without judgement. If you and your W were as honest with each other as you say you are, you wouldn't be here in the first place. All you're doing is sweeping the issues that brought you here under the rug. At the very least, you should try to attend a M retreat.

I can pretty much guarantee you (based off years of what I've seen on this board and others who have tried to rebuild their M) that if you do not get some kind of C, you will fail.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks for your reply, i cant quite agree with your logic but i guess we all cant agree on everything. I am not convinced you can guarantee that we will fail without some third party help, our marriage has failed due to lack of communication amongst other things and we are working on them. I am nothing but honest in everything i do and i am here because i have read alot of people in similar positions to me and have taken comfort and advice in all i have read, some invloving C and some not
Thanks anyway for replying and taking time to read my posts.

[MrBond]

"Thanks for your reply, i cant quite agree with your logic but i guess we all cant agree on everything."

Not sure what you mean by "logic". I'm speaking from experience from being on here and other places for a long time. Those that have a coach to set the couple on the right path have a much better chance of having a long lasting reconciliation than those who don't. You'll even find a number of people currently posting here who thought their M was saved, but didn't get the right help to move it forward.

When my W and I went to C, a number of issues were brought up that we didn't even know were issues because we never thought of them. But in the end we discovered that they also hurt our M.

I can pretty much guarantee you that even if you think you're open, your W isn't. Like I said before, the two of you dealing with things on your own is what landed you here in the first place.

But that's up to you.

[Hadlee58]

I guess we are going to have to disagree on somethings...
Not every thing i have read on hear (or other sites) would indicate that things 'are guaranteed' to fail without C, thats the "logic" part. As i clearly said its not an option for us, if that was the answer to all our problems i would be right there but i guess if thats the case there would be no need for a website like this. I appreciate any help and feedback its much appreciated even if we dont always see eye to eye

[MrBond]

Have you and your W tried MC? Just curious.

[Hadlee58]

Hi Mr Bond,

No we have never tried MC, i think i could be quite open to the idea but my wife is totally against it

[MrBond]

Then why do you keep insisting that it will not work? Point is that it couldn't hurt and sometimes it takes a third party to bring out issues that you didn't realize may have contributed to your M failing.

[Hadlee58]

I would agree what harm could it do and I understand that however my wife doesn't want to entertain it. Like you have said, I would be willing to try anything that makes it less likely to get back to the darker times, unfortunately on that front I have to respect her decision even more so right now