Emotional Connection and Attraction

[MrBond]

First of all, let me make something very clear. You're not in PIECING. Piecing is when the WAS ACTIVELY participates in getting the marriage back together. And that means a willingness to see to YOUR needs as much as hers. That if you said you'd like to go to C, she'd be like..."let's go!". Right now she's not doing that.

"I thought I was being told not to talk to her about it, I must have miss understood."

Yes you did.

"I'm waiting for the opportune time to bring up C. I'm confident she'll apprehensive."

Of course she will be. But ultimately if your needs aren't being met and neither are hers, you will remain stuck in the same place until one of you decides to leave. If she's serious about Piecing, she'll go.

"The differences between DBing and piecing has been a big stumbling block for me. I was already piecing when I came to this forum."

Have you actually read and UNDERSTOOD DB? DB is an ongoing process for life. The primary philosophy of DB is to do what works and stop what doesn't. If what you're doing doesn't draw back your W, then do something else. Simple as that.

And again, you're not in Piecing.

"My W has said she wants to work on our marriage since I've been here, but there's times when I've questioned or had doubts about that."

Of course because she's been giving you alot of lip service. She's been doing little things here and there, which is fine, but until she takes ACTION to actually correct the mistakes from the past, you are not in piecing.

"Its those times I'm doubting things that I'm not sure I should be DBing or piecing."

Again, DB is ongoing. There's no difference.

"She mentioned during BD a year ago that she thought she lost respect for me, she hadn't been proud of me for a long time etc"
"Her actions show she does, but the attraction is still missing and attraction and respect are intertwined."

No it's not. You respect your teachers and your boss and a world leader. But it doesn't make you attracted to them.

"And that's when I start thinking about the whole MMSLP thing..."

Let's get a few things out of the way about MMSLP.
1) Athol is NOT a professional C. He is just a guy who started a blog and makes money off a book he wrote saying that he knows the "key" to a great M'd sex life. He has been accused of fraud in the past and basically uses the site to make money and has no face to face interactions with any of those he claims to counsel.

2)Even in his blog he claims that he's never problems in his M, so he's not exactly the best source of reference for those dealing with issues.

3) There's something that ALL marriages have in common. Baggage and past issues of both the WAS and LBS. Things happened in your past and your W's past that are stopping that "attraction". Believe me, women can hold grudges forever even though they say they don't. Your W built that wall between you for reason. You can help her to slowly take it down.

"I don't have a plan. I guess I was referring to being more assertive and not sweeping my feelings under the rug. But you answered that for me above."

Now I'm not advising that you go all weepy over her, but just be honest. That's when you know you're in Piecing. If she says that she's willing to go to C and address your issues as much as you are willing to do for hers, then you're in Piecing.

"To be clear I think there are many good points in the book, but a lot of it is junk."

Because it's one man's opinion. Ever see his blog? 99% are all guys. Ask the women on here about it and they'll tell you it's all rubbish. I'd rather trust the women's opinion than the guy's as to what they feel is attractive.

"I just get the feeling at times I've been too "beta" the last year trying to "fix" my marriage. Trying not to rock the boat."

That's two different things. Bottom line is that your M did need fixing. But your W should have been doing the same if you were truly in Piecing.

"The message in MMSLP about women saying they want one thing (usually more beta) but actually want another subconsciously (more alpha) gets me thinking sometimes."

There's nothing wrong with taking the charge and leading. Sometimes that means to be honest with your W and telling her that YOU are not happy and that things have to change or else you are moving on. There's nothing "alpha" or "beta" about it. Women will do the same thing.

"I was (so I thought) more of the alpha type prior to BD. In retrospect a lot of that so called alpha was actually me taking her for granted, being aloof, getting complacent etc, which isn't alpha at all."

YOu were interested in her and did whatever you took to make her happy when you were dating. Then when you got M'd, you figured that you had her for life and started taking her for granted, instead focusing on your job or hobbies or whatever. There's no "alpha" about it. It's called marriage. It naturally happens to everyone.

"On top of that my whole anxiety/panic disorder inadvertently made W the leader of our household."

No, your panic disorder is what pushed her away and turned her off. No one wants to be with someone (male or female) who they think are going to go off on them at any time. It's like living with a bomb.

"I've changed all those things. I guess I stupidly hope that now that I've changed all those things that my W "attraction" would just magically come back."

Again, it's not about "attraction". Your W is afraid that you're going to go right back to the way things are so her guard is still up. There's a basic timeline that some people follow. They say that it takes 1 month of hardcore Piecing (counseling, sex, understanding, etc.) for every year of M to get things right. You're not close to that.