How are things going? Just been thinking of you and hoping life is going along smoothly.
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I love you guys. Thankyou. Things are the same here. R with H is getting stronger every day. He even said himself recently how things have improved between us. Our job situation is unchanged, unfortunately we live in a part of the country where jobs are extremely difficult to get, it is a beautiful part of the world but relies heavily on tourism and construction, two industries very much struggling in this economy. I am feeling better personally, even though I was resisting going back on medication, I was becoming a pitiful mess and now I feel at least I can stop the panic about our financial situation and look at things a bit more positively. It was a good move. Hopefully, I won't need to take the meds for a long period of time.
Always keeping up with your posts and enjoying seeing the growth of you both. I am really proud of you two. Musketeers rule!
I am always happy to hear of progress in your R. I still remember thinking that your H was going to spontaneously combust between all the smoking and tanning lol!!
I'm proud of you too There is something to be said for character when one sticks it out through the bad times instead of bailing. I hope that one day, your H will truly come to appreciate you for standing by him when he needed you most - even if all he did was push you away.
We Muskateers are some fine ladies for sure!!!!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hahaha yeah so did I, funny how all that cr@ppola stopped soon after he left his job. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing with all his antics. Remember the skinny jeans episode!! He is a much nicer person to be around these days. It is definitely stress and depression that brought on his MLC.
I firmly believe now that there was a OW in the background somewhere, as far as I know it only got to the EA stage. I think if he had not left his job when he did, it could have been worse. Some stuff just seems to make more sense now. And of course the work I have done to address his issues at BD has helped hugely too. I am a different person in many respects and proud of it. Keep up the great work, and no. 1 make sure you take good care of yourself dear friend.
GAL, How much time do you and your husband spend each week just having fun? What do you enjoy doing together? What are his biggest emotional needs (usually the things he would complain most about if he didn't get them)?
When you were dating, before marriage, what did that look like?
Unlike many husbands, I happen to be a talker, which is one of the things my wife was drawn to. I have a long history of having female friends (or friend's girlfriends) fall in love with me (not my intent) just because of how I would converse with them. Since I have been with my wife, I have been very conscious to only be pleasant and polite with other women so that I don't lead them on. Even during my wife's EA, I stayed away from other women for comfort because of the danger. However, it was my ability to connect with my wife verbally that I knew would bring her heart back to me. I am keenly aware of just how important good conversation can be to a couple. Most folks start out talking all of the time- until the wee hours of the morning. They think "wow, this person really gets me, we can talk about anything!" then one day, usually after marriage, the husband becomes a deaf/mute (unless he's with his male buddies, of course).
If I were to offer any advice, I would suggest that the two of you schedule time every week to have fun together. He likes golf? Go golfing. Want to try skydiving? Go for it! But do it together, no other couples with you. These activities will give you a common language and experiences to share. I think you'll find you and your husband will be talking much more, and having an enjoyable time doing it. Do you think your husband talks to his guy friends about his "feelings " when he's with them? NO! They joke around, talk about their shared interests, ogle women (sorry, it happens). Why can't the two of you joke around!? Talk about shared interests? Ogle each other?
Don't wait to start enjoying your life together until your relationship is re-built. Re-build your relationship WHILE enjoying your life together.
HFS. You are completely correct in what you say. My H is not a talker, not to me anyway. Just the usual day to day stuff, not his deep feelings about anything. That's the way he is. He knows he's an "emotional cripple". He has always been that way. That is the man I married. I doubt he would talk to mates about his feelings. I know he never talked to anyone about our problems. Maybe only this OW who I believe he may have entered into an EA with. That is when I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I think she was feeding a lot of it because she was going through a D herself and my H became her emotional support. Funny how they can provide that to others.
Sometimes I just don't know where to turn with the spending time together stuff. Our situation was supposed to get better with regards to that, with kids finishing private school and moving on with their lives. Unfortunately, our job situations change suddenly and it has put us into some financial stress, where H feels he has to work 6 days a week in a casual job he picked up, just to make ends meet.
Yeah sure, I get hurt that the day he chose to have off each week, is a day I work. He could have chosen another day, but that is the day his golf buddies get together for a game. Hey I won't deny those actions of his hurt me. But I try to look at it differently and accept that as the place we are in now. We are working towards improving our job situation, but it is taking longer than hoped. Therefore, I'm trying to stay supportive and positive.
There's lots of history about how I have spent my marriage alone, due to H's job schedule. I just keep hoping it gets better. He is a good hard working man. He believes he is doing the right thing. That's why I hang around, even though I'm often unsatisfied because my needs are unmet. I know he is doing the best he can do.
You're posts are wonderful, and I take it all on board. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I have the benefit of learning and improving myself, H is stuck in a time warp as far as that is concerned. My changes are helping him along, but he does fall down in the validating and empathising department. I'm trying to get through to him, but its slow going. Thanks for posting on my thread.
I will look back on your thread, but are you considering MC? You know that of a solution based. I am also not a talker in my M but I recognize that now and that's part of my 180. But it took me to read books and mostly this boards to get it.
You also have some hurt feelings, IMO those need to be communicated otherwise it will turn to resentments...isn't that part of how we ended up here?
Anyway just some thoughts Galbaby.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Hey Newman, nice to see you here. My H wouldn't go to MC. That's why I've decided to work on this myself. I am seeing progress. Our R has never been the traditional type. We spend a lot of time apart. That has its good aspects and not so good.
I am reading a book which is helping me to get a different perspective on things, and I think it works particularly well in relationships like ours. I am learning to accept H the way he is. I spent a lot of years trying to change him. Urrggh men hate that don't they?? Its OK. I go up and down as we all do. I was frustrated with him this morning over something, then he turned around and did something that meant a lot to me.
Thanks for caring enough to offer support Newman. I appreciate it.
