Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

Thanks Wonka. You have been such a comfort and give me a calming perspective. I just sifted through some of RH's threads. Whoooaaaa! Bless her heart. She's one tough cookie. It's very helpful to read. Matter of fact W asked me the other day if I thought she was in a MLC. I answered, "Yes. I think you are in a crisis. I don't think it needs to be labeled as mid-life. I think we all experience crisis through life as we grow. I had one as an adolescent/young adult. You did not. Now you are having this growth spurt in your forties and I may not." I think she didn't want to be labeled MLC. I think she sees it as a weakness so I tried to give her an alternative label with the same definition.

I take comfort in the thought that it is ultimately my decision to end the M. It sure seems that way logically since she's waffled for going on 2yrs in an A. But it absolutely does not FEEL that way most days! I don't want my M to end but I really absolutely don't want to go on in this triad any longer. I have offered her a chance at reconciliation, forgiveness, love, and stood for us alone all these many months. My boundry now is that I need reciprocity to continue. She just doesn't seem willing to give it. She may want to, but the hold the A has is too strong. So I just keep pushing myself forward. Grieving all the way to acceptance is the plan.

I recognize that what's best for me isn't always what I want. I can't allow her indecision or lack of action to hurt me anymore. I am not perfect. But at least I am taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back now. So I am getting somewhere unlike the mountainous backslides I've felt in the past.

I've been thinking a lot about something my younger sis told me yesterday. She said that during her visit here what she witnessed was me showing grace, forgiveness and love to my W making her feel wanted. She said in terms of my W she never seemd like she really wanted to be here with me or the family, including my W's brother and niece. She said my W was just disconnected and distant.

Which brings up a new habit my W has. She is constantly on her smartphone playing a solitaire game. At all times. No matter who is around or what we are doing. She gets very upset if you ask her to disengage from it. She will... but pouts. Then within a few minutes she will pick it back up again like a rebelious child. I've asked her about it. She says she 'just wants to beat her best score' or that she 'likes it because it clears her head and stops her thinking.' At one point after a few scuffles between us over it, one night I asked her to show me how to play it. We sat together and she showed me a few things. She's really good at it so I couldn't touch her score. But it was a moment to connect rather than nag. I still don't get it though. Hours upon hours she does this. Why?