Many apologies for going radio silent. I have had a crazy roller coaster ride over the past week or so. After a few days where things seemed to be going really well, I got a mini-bomb from W that she was ready to sign a lease the next day and move out within a couple of weeks. I guess this got triggered (by my own fault) from my discussion of D a couple of weeks prior. I guess Sandi is right . In any case, that sent me on an immediate downwards spiral as it became very real for me. I managed to explain some very valid logistical reasons why the timing was terrible for everyone (there were many) and she decided not to sign the lease. But, as a result, I think she is very angry at me and waiting for the next opportunity to do so. The reality is that as much as I didn't want her to go, the other reasons would have made the situation an absolute disaster for all.
My initial reaction to all this was to become deeply upset and depressed, probably lower than I have ever been (and that takes some doing). My W and kids are my whole world and I saw it caving in right in front of me. If W leaves, I am done with things. I know that might be short-sighted or stubborn of me, but I believe that if things are bad enough to disrupt everyone's lives (especially the kids), then it is bad enough to call TOD (Time of Death) on the M.
However, sometime yesterday, I came to the realization that I could either wallow at the bottom or pick myself up and move forward. I've done the latter and, to my own surprise, become super positive. I am looking at everything differently all of a sudden and have already started a couple of new 180s (and continuing the prior ones). I am feeling like a different person (my old self maybe?). I'm not sure how this happened, other than to compare it to the addict who hits rock bottom and only then snaps out of it. I do have many mental tools that helped me beat my initial depression with which I am quote adept at now, so that has helped, as well and given me hope that it's not a temporary blip (like the dead cat bounce in financial markets - google that if you're interested).
In any case, I will be making every effort to be the S that anyone would be silly to leave. I don't imagine I have much time (maybe a month, although I would hope for more like 2 or 3). In the back of my mind, I have the realistic possibility that it's hopeless and I'm trying to push that thought aside. In the meantime, I'm pulling out all the stops with a SPMA (S is for Super) and going for broke with a rash of 180s. Surprisingly, it doesn't seem I have to force myself at this point, but it's only been a day.
I would love any words of encouragement or other thoughts that will help me keep my momentum.
Thanks!
p.s. as an interesting aside, during the discussions, she mentioned that she noticed a lot of positive changes in me and that it made her mad, but she wasn't sure why. I have read this many times on this site
. In any case, that sent me on an immediate downwards spiral as it became very real for me. I managed to explain some very valid logistical reasons why the timing was terrible for everyone (there were many) and she decided not to sign the lease. But, as a result, I think she is very angry at me and waiting for the next opportunity to do so. The reality is that as much as I didn't want her to go, the other reasons would have made the situation an absolute disaster for all.
