Quick overview: Last August I threw my arms up in the air and told H to go live his single life since he was just doing that anyways after moving in with me after we got married (not infidelity, just making choices about how he was spending his money and his time without regard for me/our family. Not helping with family finances and leaving me with a bunch of half finished or not started household projects on top of doing all of the cleaning and cooking). Since then we've gone back and forth with him moving in and out. One minute he wants to reconcile, have a child together, build a new home together, do anything for us, make us more of a priority the next he's packing his things and rolling out of the driveway. Can you say roller coaster! Somewhere in all of that I got pregnant and our son is due in a matter of weeks.
Our current separation has been the longest to date (previously it would only be a week or two in between 'getting back together'). It is approaching 2 months of not seeing my H in person and we've spoken less than 3 times via phone.
To say this time around is different is an understatement. This time he's taken on an OW and has become a complete lock box. He doesn't reach out at all even when I pull back. Our text/email conversations have been strictly about visitation/child support and our son. I don't ask about his life and he most certainly doesn't ask about mine.
What's working: Going dark and GAL - The longer it is between having to contact or hear from him the better I feel about life. With a baby on the way I'm making the most of every moment this summer with my 2 kids (from a previous relationship) knowing our lives are about to get a lot more complicated so we are staying busy. I'm also spending lots of time with family and friends. Lastly, I feel like this separation has been great for rebuilding lost confidence and in defining what I'd need to see/hear from him before considering trying to work things out again.
What's Not Working: Surviving contact.
This week was the first time in 2 months that he asked how the baby was doing and we exchanged a handful of joking text messages. I about fell out of my chair since he never reaches out for any reason but reminded myself not to read into it.
The past week or so has also involved a lot of back and forth trying to set up a bank account transfer so he could pitch in toward expenses. Part of me was furious with him for it taking 2 months to finally do it after saying he would, the other part of me was really happy to see how quickly he initiated the transfer once the ground work was laid out.
I find its almost worse to hear from him, even for administrative stuff, because it feels like 'old times' getting regular messages and very fast response times to texts or emails.
For those that have been here, is this just a matter of 'time' being needed to not have every message, call or email 'take you back' and be a setback from moving toward being detached?
We don't argue, he shows no signs of wanting anything to do with me and I know that having an OW is a complete distraction, so I don't see this being worked out anytime soon. I'm just wondering how to balance keeping the lines of communication open with being able to feel detached.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
